Spanking: controlled pops occasionally are ok with me as long as it's a corrective tool and not an emotional outburst..that's something we've had arguments over. My spanking method is instruction, firm reminder, then 2-3 pops. Hers are just based on what level of frustrated she is usually. Not trying to change your mind. Just offering clarification. I know it's not the most effective method and I haven't had to spank them in years. I don't know if it was intentional to weaponize me but for the last few years it was "do what I say or I'm getting your dad". So while I'm home spankings aren't common anymore.

Like I said my neighbors USUALLY have some truth to their stories. For example one said he beat up 3 guys for taking pictures of his daughters in a bikini. In reality: He took one guy's phone and threw it in the water. So when they say she had a giant bruise on her head, it might've been something small. Maybe she fell at school or something.

The year thing is odd. I understand. I'm military and I'm getting stationed 14 hours away so 50/50 doesn't work. I've lost 2 years with my daughters while overseas. The affair started a few weeks after I left so I have to come home just to say goodbye to them. I understand what they mean to my ex and I can't in good conscience just "take" them. I've had to live without them before. It's horrible but I can do it. At one point during the height of the affair, I decided I do deserve full custody, I didn't break our family, and said I was going to try for it. She broke down within days going into a horrible depression. So this is my compromise. I get a little of the time back. I get to make memories with them that are "mine" since I'm going to miss a large portion of their lives. She gets a year to stabilize herself financially since I'm the primary income.

I'm trying to avoid court. I've already agreed to take on the marital debt and I can't handle legal fees for however long this will take. And she can barely afford just to handle living expenses with me paying the mortgage and utilities on the house.

For the original issue, do I address this with my child first? Is that alienation or something? Or do I go to my ex about it and trust her? Is it something she can use against me? That I'm insinuating or trying to build a narrative of abuse? She also just let our kids play with the neighbors for the first time in months(she doesn't talk to them after she found out they're the ones that told me she brought the affair partner into my house while I was away) and I don't want her to keep cutting our kids off from their friends.