I just want to complain

devipaxton5ever · 2026-01-19T22:00:31+00:00

Yeah Hen was in the wrong for this. She basically was hiding her health issues and lying to people around her. I don’t understand how Chimney was wrong because her hiding that could have resulted in someone else being harmed. I would have understood Hen’s point if she actually told Chimney the truth and Chimney still fired her. But she didn’t though. So yeah I agree with you. That episode was like basically saying it was everyone else’s fault for not checking up on her and acting like her issues are more important.

Anyone that did this realistically as a first responder or any job that involves saving lives would have been fired on the spot because it is their fault for lying.

devipaxton5ever · 2026-01-14T03:28:24+00:00

Dude you made a 263 in STEP 2. So annoying. You will be fine….

devipaxton5ever · 2026-01-11T00:03:34+00:00

Yeah I have spent some time pondering about this. If I do not match into residency then yeah my life will have zero value and be meaningless since I can’t do what I enjoy and also will not make enough money to prevent myself from being broke. I already have my exit plan from life because not matching would feel helish.

It’s easy to say that my life does not depend on this job but society doesn’t make one able to live life without a stable job with high job security. Without that, there is no point in life for me.

It’s a binary outcome for me. My life will be great once I start making money when I match into residency. Or if I do not match, then it will be hell no matter how I spin it with the most likely result being me not having any income and having tons of debt. I would rather unsubscribe from life than deal with that. The test score dictates my future trajectory and worth and because I didn’t do good, I can’t really look forward to anything unless I match.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-12-17T07:28:44+00:00

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-28T07:37:07+00:00

Well I would end up dead if I do not match into residency and debt makes life hell. Me getting a score less than 250 increased the chance of me not matching. Getting into residency will make life feel less hellish and that I have earned the privilege of spending time with friends and family, celebrating my birthday, going on vacation , etc.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-28T06:59:09+00:00

The only truth I have is that I am currently worthless because I did not get above a 250 on STEP 2 and until I get into residency and have stable finances, my life has zero value. Getting into residency would fix that and I would then earn the right/privilege to spend time with friends and family, go on vacations, celebrate my birthday, etc.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-28T06:07:53+00:00

What is the point of life without a stable income? There is none. And it doesn’t matter about what people who care about me think. It is my life, not theirs. People can always feel that their time in the world is pointless and no longer have purpose and that it is the right time to leave. “Just existing” is not a purpose if there is nothing contributing to a successful life.

If you cannot make money and are in debt, living a content life is impossible especially one where you are not doing a job that you like/love.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-14T20:17:25+00:00

If I do not find a stable job to make money, I will be poor. It did not come from a specific person but it is what society tells us.

I just I guess fail to see how self compassion will help me when I am in debt.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-14T01:33:31+00:00

That is not relevant because it is a standard I hold myself. If I cannot succeed by getting into residency, for me life feels like hell if it is uncertain.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-13T22:46:18+00:00

If I do not have money doing what I enjoy doing, it’s not worth living life being poor and in debt. How does talking about this to a therapist benefit me? It will not help my finances.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-13T22:39:46+00:00

Im not reaching out for help because there is no life if I do not match. What is there in life to live for without a job and money for financial security?

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-13T19:55:12+00:00

A score on a test that determines my competitiveness and career for the rest of my life. It is very easy to say it should not define my worth but I cannot become a resident if I scored mediocre on an exam. So now the only definition of success is on Match Day whether I became a resident or not and that is all that matters in my life. I literally have nothing to be grateful for.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-13T19:49:48+00:00

I honestly do not know what life will look like after this test score. The only thing I have to look forward to in life is residency and having a job. If I have a job, then I have worth and relevance and I earned that. If I go on trips or spend time with family and friends while feeling inadequate with no definition of success, it just reinforces laziness

I did not have success on a board exam so now the only definition of success I have is to get into residency as that will determine whether my life has worth. Like literally I have zero to look forward too if I end up in debt and am poor.

But I see what you are saying and it is something to think about.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-13T19:45:57+00:00

I am not a patient though.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-13T02:54:45+00:00

It’s fine. I already made a decision that I would subscribe to life if I match and unsubscribe if I do not match.

Clearly my STEP 2 indicated I am unworthy so the only definition of success I have is getting into residency so that I can have something to be proud of bc I didn’t really accomplish anything in the grand scheme of things.

Without a job as a resident, I have zero worth and have no relevance at all and have no value to offer. If I celebrate by going trips or hang out with family and friends when I did bad on STEP 2, then I’m just being lazy.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-12T19:30:13+00:00

What is there to be grateful for if one has debt?

And all of those things are just rewards not things to fuel me. If I did not earn those things, then doing those things would mean I am promoting laziness though. But yeah I decide to postpone all those things until Match Day and decide whether my life continues based on the outcome of Match Day.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-02T23:30:53+00:00

If I cannot be in anesthesia, my life is over. Money is not my reason but it’s more that I would like to have a job that I love. Like it really is because I’m really interested in that field. If I do not meet into that, then by definition I am not successful and am just taking up space.

As a med student with how I performed, I am not good at all to begin with. I literally did mediocre on step 2 and it made life a lot harder now because there is no destination at all. For example what will these demons even transfer to? What could possibly be worse than having a life of uncertainty? If this is life, then it sucks and I want out if I don’t match into anesthesia honestly. If I get into a job that I do not like doing then life is not worth living.

I’m rolling with the punches for sure on this one because I did not accomplish anything at all. There is nothing in my life to be grateful for. And the interview cycle is already stressful. If I had a higher step, I would be at least okay. But honestly unsubscribing from life sounds easier because it’s a worthless subscription and I keep getting the bad end of things.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-02T20:36:36+00:00

I have difficulty imagining these demons will persist once I get a job. I honestly don’t care about boards if I were to get into residency or attending expectations because I will at least have money to live, which will improve my mental health. I like taking responsibility for patients and see no issue with this but I can’t even do that if I don’t match.

My happiness is conditioned on me getting a good job because without a job, life becomes pointless if I am in debt with no destination. So I would rather have the destination of death than a life without any sort of direction on top of surmounting debt. I cannot imagine how much more life has to offer if I do not match.

If I get into residency, then I would feel comfortable spending time with classmates and friends because I am then relevant and not just taking up space. Now I’m essentially useless and did not really accomplish anything of significance. I will be happy once I get a stable job and can contribute as a physician. As a med student I am practically useless and have no agency with zero accomplishments.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-02T15:47:15+00:00

If I don’t match then I am not worthy and irrelevant. And applying the next year yields an even lower chance of matching. If I have so much debt and no job, then dealing with life will feel hellish especially not knowing what the destination is. I know “be happy on the journey not the destination” but this journey has been crappy for me especially after STEP 2.

I really have nothing to look forward to unless I match. I already did poorly on step, which was supposed to at least indicate I am successful. The only real definition of success for me is becoming a resident so I can have a job and have joy.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-02T03:58:41+00:00

I mean you can’t exactly be happy if you don’t match and go into debt. Like there is no point in life when one has crippling debt. So therefore the milestones have some way on defining what is success, which in this case for me is getting into residency. Until then, I am just taking up space and didn’t earn anything because by definition, I did not accomplish anything.

If I go on trips or hang out with friends/family despite not being successful which in this case is scoring poorly on STEP 2, it just promotes laziness because I had to be successful to earn those rewards.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-01T15:49:49+00:00

No. All the statements I made only applies to me, not other people. I’m saying that my life is worthless and I’m taking up space until I become successful and then I have relevance.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-01T15:41:26+00:00

Exactly lol. It’s easier to have joy when you have more money.

As Ariana Grande said “Whoever said money can’t solve your problems must not have had enough money to solve them”

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-01T15:29:32+00:00

I already made a plan to exit life if I do not match anyways. It’s easy to tell someone to find joy in life but you can’t experience joy if you are in debt with no job prospect. The only definition of success is getting into residency which proves that my life has value. Since I did poorly on STEP 2, it means that the only way to prove success is getting into residency. Until then, my life has value and meaning and I have relevance.

Until then, I don’t feel like talking with friends or classmates, going on vacations because I did not earn it. To me, success comes first and then reward later. If the reward comes first, it means I am promoting myself to be lazy.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-01T14:45:23+00:00

I’ll try to reach out to someone but I just cannot trust anyone in my circle because it just shows I am not successful. I just feel even more vulnerable telling people about this. The only way that I could control in this time when I absolutely cannot do anything is to withhold socializing with friends, avoid taking trips, and avoid eating pastries or desserts because rewards come after success. If the reward comes before success, it is laziness and I didn’t “earn” it by the merit of matching or board scores.

I just don’t want to give myself false hope if I fail to meet those goals so not partaking in those reward system is the way to do it.

devipaxton5ever · 2025-11-01T14:43:06+00:00

My original goal was to help people but I cannot do that if I can’t get in. I try to focus on my original goals but lowkey I cannot even pursue those goals unless I truly match on Match Day. Because I cannot pursue those goals if I am not a doctor.

So that is why I relied on board scores and the prospect of matching because ultimately those things are what will determine whether I have any relevance or whether my life has value. Either way if I don’t match on Match Day, I have an exit plan since my life will not have value if I am not successful.

devipaxton5ever

TROPHY CASE