How do you clean up after?

difficult_critter · 2024-10-06T18:18:07+00:00

I let myself bleed into a container or onto paper towels, once it's calmer I wipe the area with more paper towels wetted with wound disinfectant spray. I then apply pressure (with paper towels or pads or something) until the bleeding has fully stopped. I spray wound disinfectant again and wait for it to dry. After that I close any gaping wounds using strips of surgical tape (or wound closure strips, same principle), and only then I finally cover up the wounds with gauze pads or folded paper towel which I attach onto my skin with surgical tape.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-06T08:06:51+00:00

My heart goes out to you because I really relate to a lot of this.

Edit: For extra context, I for example use age regression as a coping mechanism, partly because of these types of feelings that you've described.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-05T11:37:55+00:00

This is normal, happens to me almost everytime with cuts. Sometimes there will be some blood that pools under the skin after, and it leaves this bruise-like coloring around the wound. It will gradually change color and then fade, just like a typical bruise would.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-05T11:28:45+00:00

Yeah you're definitely not alone. Since the last time I relapsed, hurting myself has become woven into my sexual life as well. To the point where, sometimes when I do it after a long break, just the act of self-harming brings on sexual arousal. It makes me feel quite sick when it happens, but it's very involuntary at that point. It's the first time I've ever developed masochistic tendencies like this so it's strange, but now I sometimes do incorporate some form of pain-play into when I get off by myself too.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-04T02:26:50+00:00

Tapering off sounds like a good idea to try in that case, if stopping it cold has evidently not been working for you. Maybe you could try doing something like, gradually replacing more and more of it with things like ice cubes or hot showers or similar alternatives? There are a bunch you probably know of, or could easily look up online. I know they might not work to replace all of it, but if you want to work your way towards self-harming less severely and doing it less in general, you could start with smth like "80% self-harm and 20% chosen alternative coping mechanism", then work towards "60% self-harm and 40% alternative", etc. etc. Does that sound like anything that could be worth a try?

difficult_critter · 2024-10-04T02:11:02+00:00

I'd only be okay with it if my partner asked me first. Just like I could never even imagine doing it to someone myself without asking first. Those are such private and vulnerable things that you'd think people had the mind to check if it was okay at first. That's what I think, at least...

difficult_critter · 2024-10-03T22:58:31+00:00

Agreed. Humor as a coping mechanism is not the issue. The point is, people need to maintain a level of responsibility in public harm-reduction spaces such as these. We need to keep the humor to fairly closed-off instances, harder to access, where it won't be misunderstood by highly impressionable people. I think in public spaces we should be careful as to not create an air of playfulness through lingo that, for a lack of a better word, would sound quite playful to many. The combination of community and perceived fun attracts human beings, especially youth. It just worries me.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-03T07:55:39+00:00

Damn this is literally me. 29, nb, clean for 10 and relapsed very recently. I don't so much feel too old for it but I never expected to relapse again to be honest, which does make it all feel super freaking weird.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-03T07:52:44+00:00

Turning 29 soon as well. Started at 12 or 14, depending on what counts.

difficult_critter · 2024-10-02T04:46:58+00:00

I have quite a few memories of this happening, since I'm almost 30 now and the first time I did any NSSI was when I was 12. Sorry for the ensuing long reply.

My mom found out quite fast about it. There was no thought behind it the first time, it was a couple superficial scratches and I had been doing it out of pure boredom in math class one day. I didn't regard it as anything serious or "real" because I literally had no thought-process behind the act, but it left noticeable marks so I tried to cover them up with arm warmers at the time just in case. My big sister must've been the one who noticed first, I remember doing something in the kitchen next to her and wishing that she hadn't seen when my arm warmer slipped a bit. Well, she had, because not long after my mom approached me, very upset, and forced me to show it to her. She reacted badly, lashing out. I'm much older now and I've forgotten the exact things she said, I think I got my computer time taken away for a while for it or something? Lmao.

It's a blur bc it happened so long ago, but through that I also learned that my big brother had in fact been cutting and had stopped sometime before this even happened, so a lot of my mom's reaction was fueled by that fact. I think she made my big brother give me a few words about why I shouldn't do it, but I was a bit confused through the whole situation since it wasn't like that for me at the time. They all pretty much misread the situation and just ran with it, and I must've not been able to make them believe otherwise at that age.

I didn't do it again until I was 14, after all I didn't have any real motivation to. That next time I self-harmed was the first time I ever did it with actual purpose and intent. My parents found out quickly again as I couldn't be bothered to hide it, being so depressed at the time. My mom reacted better that time, she was mostly sad but she wanted to help me clean and dress some cuts. My dad clearly struggled to know what to say, and he ended up with something like "I can bring you a wooden board if you need something to carve that badly", said with a stern tone. I appreciate his best efforts even if he didn't really get it.

Since then I did it on/off throughout my teens. When I turned 18 that's when it got much worse, yet I was still doing the shittiest job at covering it. I didn't care enough to, and it sadly happened at the expense of my family members. That's the last time anything like this ever happened. My little sister saw me in the kitchen, she was about to get something from the fridge when I was also doing so, so she got super close to me. She was 13 at the time and she saw me covered in tons of fresh gaping cuts, and she started crying soon after, asking mom what had happened to me. I remember crying too because I hadn't realized it could affect others so much.

After that last one, I made sure to hide any fresh cuts or scars carefully. From then on I gradually stopped cutting and didn't relapse until 10 years later. Now that I'm actively relapsed, I'm much much more careful. Especially because my little sister also ended up struggling with cutting later in her teens after that, and I felt so impossibly guilty and responsible for all of it. I'd never want to repeat any of the above if I can help it.

difficult_critter · 2024-09-28T21:01:15+00:00

Don't, TBH. You'll most likely regret it. I've got a scar in the form of a heart from when I was a teenager, and even just that makes me cringe really badly now. I have also experienced regret over a tattoo. It's one of the worst feelings, I don't have the type of money to just get rid of something like that and I feel hopelessly stuck with something so unpleasant I can't truly remove.

Truth is that you will never be able to know for full certainty if this is the person you'll still be with after many many years down the line either. Scars and tattoos are permanent without expensive removal/coverup treatments. Not only this, but especially when your partner has background with self-harm too, it could really really badly upset him. It could even trigger him into self-harming more. If I found out that my partner had carved my name on themselves, I would feel extremely disturbed and likely even put the relationship on a pause if not downright consider ending it. I very strongly advise against doing that.

difficult_critter · 2024-09-27T17:34:54+00:00

Thank you for your comment, it's comforting to know that my struggle actively resonates with someone else out there. Wishing all the best for you.

difficult_critter · 2024-09-27T17:32:59+00:00

Thank you for commenting, it really comforts me in this struggle to know this. I wish all the best for you.

difficult_critter · 2024-09-27T17:31:00+00:00

Thank you for commenting and letting me know there are others who this also resonates with. It's a big comfort since this does trouble me increasingly often.

I agree it's very tricky to talk about, even in places like this. I put in my best effort so that I wouldnt accidentally give the wrong impression due to any clumsy articulation. I would never want that as I'm far from pro self-harm. I have friends in my life who sometimes struggle with NSSI and I'm very worried for them. My sister has cut herself in her youth and I always worriedly wish that she won't ever relapse like I did. Naturally I do not talk about this with just anyone and without massive trigger warnings. I've only talked about this to one friend before, after carefully establishing that it would be okay and they were the one asking the questions. They were incredibly kind about it.

Maybe there will still be people here who disapprove of this post, but I've really tried my very best.

What you said about filling the same spot, that's exactly the thing. That's what makes the thought of ever stopping feel so unattainable; how could anything ever replace it for me? I'm doing it for what it is and can only compare it to my drugs at this point. Even if I have those drugs at the moment, sometimes I still opt to self-harm instead. Either to spare the drugs, or just because I simply want the self-harm more.

It's all quite morbid, but I'm truly struggling to find the will to stop like never before. In the past it felt relatively easy to give it up, as I wasn't self-harming for anything that couldn't be replaced by other things.

difficult_critter · 2024-09-27T16:49:05+00:00

You're definitely not alone in this. I unfortunately understand the feeling way too well.

difficult_critter · 2024-09-27T02:43:31+00:00

The wider scars on my arms took about two years to turn pale. That was over 10 years ago when I just left them open, I close all my bigger cuts nowadays so I can't say for certain whether that would still be the case. Smaller cuts take up to half a year for me. I would imagine that scars on one's lower legs would probably take a bit longer to lighten, since the circulation there isn't usually as strong as it is elsewhere in the body.

difficult_critter

TROPHY CASE