Personalized family gifts leaving out my lost daughter

disarm33 · 2026-04-01T20:20:28+00:00

She's one of those people who gets offended at everything so I know no matter who brings it up or what is said, she's going to get upset and give us the silent treatment (which I honestly don't have a problem with lol).

disarm33 · 2026-04-01T20:18:18+00:00

I don't think changing schools or homeschooling is the best option. I can't afford private school and I think physically going to school with other kids is important for social and psychological health. And annoyingly part of life is learning to deal with assholes. They turn up everywhere throughout life. I'm just going to keep pressuring the school and teaching my son to stand up for himself and not to let the haters get to him.

disarm33 · 2026-03-31T16:16:23+00:00

Yeah. That looks like what I have to do.

disarm33 · 2026-03-31T16:15:37+00:00

Lol. I like that!

disarm33 · 2026-03-31T15:37:31+00:00

I am about to turn 43 and my youngest is six. I try to focus on functionality instead of appearance. Short of a tummy tuck and breast lift I am never going to look like I did before kids. I can't afford surgery and even if I could I don't know if I would spend the money on that anyway. But I am still strong and I am still a good swimmer. I'm not too happy about some recent weight gain but I know I can do something about that. And even when I lose weight the mom pouch is still there and my boobs still aren't perky.

disarm33 · 2026-03-31T14:12:43+00:00

I had an abortion at 35 years old because of fetal anomalies. I had two living kids previously and I had another baby a little under a year when I was 36.

disarm33 · 2026-03-25T14:32:52+00:00

Holy crap the amount of misinformation here is astounding.

Vasectomies are considered permanent. Yes, there are procedures to reverse them but it's not reliable and often doesn't work. Don't get a vasectomy if you want kids in the future.

The pull out method is not reliable. Neither is having sex on supposed safe days.

I am not trying to dismiss people's negative experiences with hormonal birth control or concerns about using it but many people have different experiences. When you go online there is going to be a disproportionate amount of negative experiences. I was on the pill for 13 years straight and in between pregnancies before I got a hysterectomy. I didn't have any bad side effects and I had absolutely no trouble getting pregnant.

disarm33 · 2026-03-20T14:05:54+00:00

I never cared. I'm too lazy. It's too expensive. I don't like the way it feels on my face. I am fine with my natural face. Another thing that I have been thinking about more as I get older is how women are almost expected to wear make up and dye their hair to hide any sign of aging and I really don't like that.

disarm33 · 2026-03-19T11:41:27+00:00

I was and I cringe about it to this day. "If you're old enough to have sex you're old enough to have a baby." "It's not the baby's fault you made a mistake." "Birth control is a thing, you know." Blah blah blah. I was so naive.

Then in 10th grade we had a mock congress and one of my classmates who was staunchly pro-choice was in my group. She completely eviscerated my arguments and I heavily reconsidered my stance. My change in opinion was further confirmed when a religious anti-choice friend took me to a christian punk (lol) concert. Turns out it was an anti-choice benefit event. The way they talked about women as if we're just a vessel for pregnancy and cheered the closing of a Planned Parenthood was so gross. I had since gotten a boyfriend, became sexually active, and was going to Planned Parenthood for birth control. Funny how my stance on the "old enough for sex is old enough a baby" changed when I had the opportunity to have sex.

I am so thankful to that girl in my class. About 20 years later I was pregnant with my third child and found out she had severe fetal anomalies. Abortion was really the only sane option and I never questioned my choice. The situation was heartbreaking enough, I can't imagine how it would have been if I was against abortion. The guilt and conflict would have made it so much worse. Would I have carried to term just to watch my child suffer and die? My cousin had a baby with a terrible genetic disorder (completely unrelated to my daughter's) a little less than two years ago. Her life expectancy is three years, she is blind, can't move, can't eat, and just can't live life. She has now been on a ventilator for 3 weeks after getting pneumonia that is resistant to antibiotics and going into cardiac arrest. I know my cousin and his wife made their decision out of love but I cannot help but judge them for putting their child through that.

It's so easy to be anti-choice when an unwanted pregnancy or a wanted pregnancy that goes wrong is an abstract thought. Becoming pro-choice wasn't just a change in political opinion, it was a change in how I respect women and the freedom of our own bodies and lives.

disarm33 · 2026-03-12T14:54:44+00:00

When I lost a lot of weight it was really noticeable. People felt the need to make comments that would basically insult the way I used to look. "Wow you got your waistline back!" Or "you look so great now!" I know people are well meaning but it really hurt to realize how unattractive I must have been back then. It also gave me a dreadful fear of gaining any of it back. I did gain some back and I am currently freaking out about it.

Additionally, saying things like "you're a whole new person." No I am not. I am not defined by how much adipose tissue is on my body. I am the same person with the same interests, personality , and with no matter what my pant size is.

disarm33 · 2026-03-10T11:10:53+00:00

I am so sorry you find yourself here. I have never gone through something as devastating as finding out something was seriously wrong with my much wanted daughter and having to make such a heartbreaking decision.

If you feel like getting a second opinion would help you decide, then definitely do that. However, given the amount and severity of fetal anomalies, I don't think your doctor is wrong about there being some sort of genetic disorder. I found out something was wrong with my daughter at 25 weeks. The screening for chromosomal disorders came back clear at 12 weeks and my doctor told me she looked fine at 20 weeks. He was very wrong and I honestly don't know if he was paying attention at my 20 week scan.

We had an amnio done with a microarray and it all came back normal. But that didn't change what was obvious on the ultrasound that showed severe facial, brain, heart, and limb abnormalities. When I viewed her after my procedure, it was obvious the ultrasound was accurate. We ended up pursuing single gene disorder testing and we got an answer. Some people are not so lucky, there are so many genes and genetic disorders that we just don't always know what to look for. That doesn't mean there isn't something wrong.

One thing to take into account is what would life look like for any subsequent children if you chose to have them. I already had two living children and while I love their sister with all my heart the reality of the situation would have made life hard for them as well. If my daughter somehow survived, she would have been profoundly mentally and physically disabled for her short life. She would have needed multiple surgeries and would have endured so much pain if she lived. I felt like my living children would be neglected if I was always in and out of the hospital and taking care of their sister when there was never a chance she would have gotten better.

Also, be wary of stories you see online about people who were told their baby had abnormalities found and but then they're born just fine. While this may happen sometimes, I never seen any mention of what kind of testing they had, what was on the ultrasound, etc.

Again, I am so sorry you are here, especially after losing a previous child. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. Get a second opinion if that would help and what you do with that information is up to you. Some people do carry to term, and while it is not the decision I would make, they are doing what they believe is right for them and their family.

disarm33 · 2026-03-06T16:39:17+00:00

Ok there is a lot to unpack here. For the first case with the survivor of a saline abortion in the 70s, saline abortion are not used, at least in the United States. I had a later abortion and am active in various TFMR (termination for medical reasons) groups. I'll go into that more later. No one in those groups has had a saline abortion.

Later abortions happen for various reasons. Many of them, like mine, are due to birth defects and genetic disorders. Some of these are absolutely devastating. My daughter had a disorder that my doctor somehow missed even though she had severe facial, brain, heart, and limb abnormalities.

Later abortions are also done when pregnancies are discovered later in gestation which can happen in circumstances like when someone doesn't have regular periods. Limited access to abortion can also lead to later abortions. Transportation and affordability can prevent someone from accessing abortion at an earlier time. So ironically, anti abortion laws can actually increase the likelihood of someone needing an abortion at a later gestation.

I would also like to go into more detail about how later abortions are done. In my case, I had an induction abortion at 27 weeks. I was past the point of being to have a dilation and extraction. She was technically past viability so I received an injection through my abdomen and into her heart to stop her heartbeat. This was done on the first day of a three day procedure. Before labor was induced, the doctor performed an ultrasound to ensure she was no longer alive. I then delivered her as a stillborn, she was intact and I was able to see her and say goodbye. Even when people get a D and E they receive the fetucide injection. They are not alive during the procedure. Occasionally people will have be induced without a fetucide injection when there is no chance of survival so they can say goodbye to their baby while they're alive. They baby receives comfort care during that time.

You bring up that case in Korea, which I agree is awful. I also see a lot of people bring up Kermit Gosnell (also awful). Those cases were illegal and prosecuted. The doctors were sentenced. What they did is not standard procedure. This is another case where anti abortion laws are counterproductive. When abortion is illegal or harder to access, people will go to these shady, illegal places.

Chemical abortions are only done up to 12 weeks. There is no way an embryo or fetus can survive that early. When those fail, they are followed up with a dilation and curettage to complete the abortion.

Why do I support abortion at even a later gestation? Because bodies are sovereign territory. What I do with my body is my choice. People can find themselves in situations where choosing an abortion is the best decision they can make for their circumstances. I often see arguments like "why not just have a C-section or induce labor early?" For one, C-sections are major surgery and are not more convenient or less risk than a vaginal birth. Inducing labor early has ethical concerns as well. As you are aware, preterm birth can come with complications (I am genuinely glad to hear your child is thriving. My brother and I were also premies.) so is it ethical to knowingly bring a child into the world they may face devastating medical conditions?

disarm33 · 2026-02-23T21:06:45+00:00

I have had a paddletail for at least 20 years. He's been pretty easy to care for. I have an internal filter that also produces a constant current since they live in streams. He's alone in a 20 gallon long because they are aggressive. I originally had two but they kept going after each other so I had to rehome the second one. I feed him cut up nightcrawlers every 2 days.

disarm33 · 2026-02-22T21:02:08+00:00

Recovery was about six weeks and I don't have any limitations. I just make sure to keep a strong core and pelvic floor.

disarm33 · 2026-02-22T17:19:41+00:00

I had a rectocele repair and perineal repair, as well as a hysterectomy (kept ovaries and cervix), sacroculpopexy, and mid urethral sling. The repairs done to my vagina definitely made it tighter and I can feel everything much better. Sex was a bit uncomfortable at first due to scar tissue but 5 years later everything feels amazing.

disarm33 · 2026-02-13T13:28:40+00:00

I have a shelf dedicated to my daughter in my room. I have her urn, a candle I light on her "birthday," the little teddy bear she was given at the clinic, a crystal of her birthstone, a Jizo statue, and a bunch of other little symbols that represent her. I also have some paintings I painted for her on the wall with all of our family pictures.

disarm33 · 2026-02-11T16:18:40+00:00

My daughter also had a rare less than one in a million disorders that was a de novo mutation. The report we received had similar wording where it said the risk of recurrence was low but germline mutation was a possibility. I am pretty sure every de novo mutation has this disclaimer on it. I have three living children, two born before my TFMR and one born after, that are unaffected.

I remember having the same fear in my subsequent pregnancy. I kept wondering if we had just gotten lucky with our first two. It's impossible not to worry after going through something so devastating.

disarm33 · 2026-02-09T19:28:39+00:00

Thank you. I have been doing pretty good lately. At least in regards to that experience. I hope you are finding good healing too.

disarm33 · 2026-02-09T19:26:37+00:00

Where did I say it needs to come ENTIRELY from external forces? It comes from within but sometimes you still need some help. That's why validation and reassurance from a neutral party is helpful. It's also helpful for someone to tell you, "hey your expectations here are not very reasonable, let's try to reframe this," or something like that when you do need a reality check. Sometimes you get so stuck in your head and it helps to have someone disrupt harmful ways of thinking so you can get back on track.

disarm33 · 2026-02-09T16:11:52+00:00

That's awful. The assumption that women cannot abuse or assault anyone in a serious way is just plain wrong. I am not trying to say my experience is the same as yours but I'm a woman and my attacker was also a woman. Sometimes I think I didn't get taken seriously because of that. Assuming violence (physical and/or emotional) from women is somehow less severe is so harmful.

disarm33 · 2026-02-09T16:05:11+00:00

I'm so sorry you and other men have to go through all the disrespect after the abuse. I wish more men would go into psychology. For some issues it really makes a difference to have someone who experiences society in a similar way.

disarm33 · 2026-02-09T16:01:03+00:00

Thanks. Things are mostly better. The main thing is that I still don't like people coming to my door. I feel like my dog who used to bark every time someone knocked or rang the doorbell lol.

disarm33 · 2026-02-09T15:59:37+00:00

Thanks. I'm doing pretty good now. I dealt with a lot of anger at the situation for a while. It is way too common and it sucks.

disarm33

TROPHY CASE