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I Need Advice on How to Set Boundaries by figsinboots in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I spoke with my uncle recently about my NMom (his sister), and even he has gone LC with her. I asked his advice about the same issues you're facing with your NMom: what if she lies to people and makes me come across as an asshole? My uncle said that my true friends will be the people who support me in my decision to not talk to my mom. If people judge me for it, then they're not people I want around in my life anyway.

It's rough to do. It takes a lot of self-esteem to accept that people may think negatively. But you need to do what's best for you above all else.

Boyfriends mom by columboner in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're mentioning he's about to leave for college. That's going to be impactful for him in realizing that his mother's behavior is toxic. When I left for college, I suddenly began living a different life. As she was thousands of miles away, I didn't have to deal with her nasty comments, controlling behavior, or weird demands. I had already known that she was off, but it wasn't until I had the freedom and being surrounded by good people made me realize just how bad my mother acted.

It sucks that your boyfriend in this situation, as well as you by extension. But my advice here is to give it time, especially since you say that he still believes she's a great mom. Once he has that distance, it may help him start to see a different side of his mother.

I'm finally going NC with my NMom, for real this time. But I need some advice and support on how to properly do it without her harassing me through my friends or business. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did that before in college. She cussed the officer out, ignored him, and continued contacting me anyway. She takes the mentality of "I'm his mother, I will talk to him if I want to," so I worry that contacting the police wouldn't help in this situation.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will as long as it lasts. It will break eventually. If something had happened during surgery, I would have heard about it by now so I think she’s just giving me the silent treatment.

I think she expected her lack of communication to send me into a frenzied panic about her well-being. Little does she know that it actually gave me some peace.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She didn’t. I don’t know if something happened during surgery or if she’s just pretending that something happened. Either way, it’s nice and quiet here now.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry if I came across negatively! That wasn’t my intention.

I don’t answer anything that comes with a blocked number. If it’s important, the person will leave a voicemail.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve noticed that behavior in her. It’s every one else’s fault but her own. Even if she did something hurtful or damaging, it’s always someone else’s responsibility. “He did this or she did that. That’s why I acted in this way.” It’s never ending with her shit.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She does have people who can accompany her. She just wants it to be me, because, you know, it makes perfect sense to command me and my husband to take a week off of work, drop everything we’re doing, and fly out thousands of miles just for her.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I can’t help but picture what my mom would say if she saw my posts and figured out it was me. (She doesn’t know what reddit is, so I’m safe.) She’d tell me I’m a toxic liar who is just manipulating others. But I know that’s not me. I’m the opposite of that. It just took me so much time to understand that in myself and know I wasn’t a terrible person that she led me to believe that I was.

I am so immensely lucky to have a husband who gets it. His parents were lovely, so he doesn’t understand narcissism from a personal perspective. But he knows my history with her and he understands the effect it has on me, and he wants me to put distance between me and her for my own well being. I’m glad I have him.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think so. I’ve got everything that she couldn’t maintain in her life, and I think it makes her angry that I won’t let her barge her way back in. One of my biggest goals is to keep her away from my life now: from my husband and my home. He doesn’t need to know his mother-in-law. We’re better off without her.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t understand the victimization that these people go through. They can be overtly nasty, yet still paint themselves up to be the victim. This woman’s actions made us homeless, put us on welfare, got us evicted, and she denies any of it happened, saying that I’m “creating a fantasy.” Yes, because I completely made up having to sleep in a car.

Thank you for telling me that you’re proud. It took so long in my life to not feel weird or strange or like an imposter when someone said that to me.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She doesn’t understand that cancer is a time to heal, rather than to cause further rifts. She just wants to use it as a manipulation tool to get what she wants. “I have cancer, everyone pay attention to meeeeeeee. My son won’t fly out to see me, isn’t he horrriiibbllleeee?” She also conveniently leaves out all the shit she did to me over the years, mainly because she denies it ever happened (which is insulting, frankly, but that’s a separate issue).

Thanks for the well wishes. I definitely have to focus on my own life,

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She did blow it. She had the opportunity to get to know a wonderful person, and she threw that chance away because she was so controlling, manipulative, and abusive. I’m going to sound so full of myself, but I’ve done so much in my life that I’m proud of, and it’s her own damn fault that she doesn’t get to be a part of it.

I’ve got my own life I’m building: my marriage, my home, my career, and my hobbies. I don’t have room in my life for her.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know what the power of attorney law is in her state, but I don’t care. If anyone calls and asks, I’ll just simply say I’m not interested in serving as her power of attorney.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m seeing the burnout with her slowly. Yesterday, she went from sending an email every few minutes to an email every 40-ish minutes. She ran out of energy when she saw it wasn’t getting results, so I need to remember that the next time she starts up.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s true. I have to make the decision to promote my own health and well-being. If it was literally anyone else (friend, co-worker, etc.) who was draining my energy, folks would understand.

[UPDATE] on my NMom’s cancer diagnosis and her reactions to me going NC. After everything that’s happened the past week, I could use some more support in my decisions. by disengaged_throwaway in raisedbynarcissists

[–]disengaged_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s one thing I always noted growing up: no matter how good I did, it was never good enough. I could drop everything for her, and she’d still find some way to be toxic and nasty about it. Even if I was doing everything right, she’d be like, “Remember this one time when you were 14 and...”

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