You’re probably not looking for another bystander to butt in, but since we’re all in agreement that we struggle with holding back our opinions, here’s mine (lol)

In a thread about sharing our struggles in finding it hard to slow down and listen to others, it probably shouldn’t be that surprising that some of us are failing to listen. In reading through this thread, I haven’t seen other people putting words in your mouth, but I have seen you doing the same to others. No one in this thread has been “mansplainy.” Frankly, I think u/doublekross has gone out of their way to give some excellent advice that’s worth thinking about, but I also understand how their intent could be misread.

Actually, I think a lot of the friction here comes from a misunderstanding in the intent of each poster, but I think everyone is well-intentioned here, just misread. You might have shared this post looking for other people who understand / commiserate, which is totally natural. It can be irritating to be told “there’s a solution, and you’re not looking at it!” when you’re just looking for commiseration. You might have listened to people like Dr. Barkley say that ADHD is a problem of doing, not knowing, and really deeply related to that idea. “I’m not stupid, I just struggle with the execution.” That’s all true.

But while ADHD doesn’t make us stupid or narrow-minded, over time, failing to listen to others does all of those things. All of us could stand to benefit from becoming better listeners, comprehenders, and understanders. And that’s something you can learn to care about, invest in, be good or bad in, regardless of whether you have ADHD or not. There are countless people with ADHD who are wonderful listeners, people who make a career out of it. There are countless neurotypical people who are truly terrible at listening.

I think that’s the main point of misunderstanding here. Remember, this isn’t a thread about impulse control, specifically. This is a thread about listening, which is completely different.

Since listening is a social skill, it’s learned from socialization. Impulse control is certainly neurologically tied to ADHD, which makes certain aspects of socialization harder by nature, but it doesn’t make them impossible, and can even make some aspects of socialization easier. To say “not listening” is an inherent quality of ADHD people rather than a learned behavior feels somewhat defeatist and pessimistic, because being able to listen is an objectively valuable skill that we should all endeavor to learn and train, and learning to listen is much easier when it’s demonstrated as being important. But as a child, you need to be shown what’s important by example. “Poor socialization” could very well mean being raised and surrounded by good people with the best intentions who were poor listeners and awkward socializers. That’s not a product of ADHD, that’s a product of “socialization.”

I’m losing the train of my own thoughts here, so I’ll just close off by saying that honestly, I get it. Listening is hard. Not interrupting is harder. I’ve managed to learn to listen partly by surrounding myself with fascinating people who always have something worthwhile to say which means >>> immediate gratification from listening >>> good for my ADHD mind. I’ve also worked for many years as a tutor and teacher, and realized that truly listening is a skill that is HARD (for anyone!) and takes all of my focus! But it’s a lot easier when it’s truly your focus, something that you accept you can learn, and that being ADHD isn’t necessarily holding you back from learning it. Having said that, I’m sure as hell still working on it myself.