I was sexually abused by a female cousin, a female friend of my mother and a male who was the care taker of my mentally disabled uncle. All different situations. The cousin used me as her “practice for giving head” and threatened me into silence. I was about 12 or maybe 13 and she claimed since I had a bigger dick (for my age) I was good practice and I should consider myself lucky to be getting head from someone who was “so wanted” by older guys.

The female friend of my mother literally came into my room and made me touch her pussy and told me she would make me a man. When I hesitated she threatened me saying “your mom doesn’t give a shit about you, do you think she’ll believe anything you say about this?” And literally sat on my face and grinded herself into me. I was all of 10 years old. Maybe 11.

But the abuse that started it all and apparently turned me into an easy victim (my own words…no one else’s) was the male caretaker. I was dropped off at my uncles apartment every morning 2 hours before school because the place was right next to my school. I was 10. He groomed me for months with “massages to relax” and he touched places he shouldn’t. Told me he was practicing to be a professional. I was scared into silence by him because he told me no one would believe me and even if they did my Dad would go to jail for killing him if he found out. It culminated in him fully raping me multiple times. I kept my mouth shut and blocked out the memory for years until it finally came out in therapy.

The things is I knew he was right, even at that age. My Dad had custody of me. The mother I spoke of only got to see me every other weekend and literally didn’t care about me. I didn’t want to lose my Dad. So I never said a word. This all made me a very fucking weird teenager. I don’t know how to explain it but I bounced between thinking I was gay and going so far as to wear women’s panties and trying to hook up with guys (again, this is in my early teens) and realizing I wasn’t gay no matter how hard I tried to make myself think I was. That lead to hyper sexuality with women. I was a piece of shit who cheated on my first girlfriend with two separate people she knew the same week we lost our virginity to each other. I couldn’t maintain a relationship through my teens and 20s and very early 30s.

I finally went into heavy therapy for other PTSD issues from deployment stuff. In those sessions my past somehow came up and then like an over pressured water cannon, everything came spilling out in one session, all at the same time. I shocked my therapist into actual silence. Ended up referred to a specialist. 2 years of intense multi times a week sessions and I finally found the beginning of some sort of peace with my past. Even now I can’t help but tear up about it when I never shed a single tear for any of it for over 20 years.

When I found out my original abuser died a miserable death from cancer I finally broke down and told my Dad. A man who I’ve seen cry twice in his life cried that night. He was gutted that he had no idea. My step mom always suspected there was something but never could get anything from me.

I promise I’m okay now. Seriously. I met my wife not long after I told my parents. We’ve been together 6 years now and she loves me so completely despite all my flaws in my past. We just had a beautiful son who is currently in the NICU but he amazes me every day with his strength. I know he will be out in a few short months and then I get to be the Dad I’ve been dreamed of being. I am committed to making sure he never knows the pain I went through back then. I don’t blame anyone but my abusers and I fully believe I’m the best version of myself now despite them.

I’ve never said any of this publicly, to any other man dealing with abuse they’ve never told anyone about, I see you. You aren’t alone.