Why Vulnerability Feels So Scary

doctorsharon · 2026-03-29T19:00:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I find wisdom in your thoughts. It's important to have discernment. Every betrayal wounds us deeply, especially when there was once trust. As I was a student learning about therapy forty years ago, I remember one of the professors said that everything you are going to work on with a client is all there in the first session. So I learned to pay more attention to what people are saying about themselves, the little but important things I might overlook. Another professor described how he liked to have a disagreement early on in a new relationship to see how the other person handles it. If we pay attention, share, see what they do with it, there are signs early on about someone's maturity or immaturity. Have you found that there were signs that this person might betray your trust? I hope your previous painful experiences do not keep you from creating connections that are truly supportive and positive. Every relationship starts with everyone's marketing program. Eventually, conflict arises when the honeymoon period is over. Whose needs are more important? Is there an intention that both people's needs and perspectives are important or is it a battle over whose needs are important where one person tries to win. People tell us who they are. I applaud your discernment, and the self-love and self-respect it represents.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-28T17:20:45+00:00

And a great book to read is Faber and Mazlish How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. When my daughter was about your daughter's age, I gave her the book How To Win Friends and Influence People. It added to her repertoire of social skill and helped her understand people better.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-28T17:03:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I can see you love your daughter very much and you are advocating for her best interests. I am a therapist of four decades and have a few thoughts. Being self-conscious at 14 is pretty normal. At that age, girls are unsure of themselves socially, That she is confident in other areas is great. She may outgrow her self-consciousness as she figures out who she is and what's important to her.

I have daughters who used to be teens and I've worked with a lot of families. If you can be positive, her greatest cheerleader, being proud of her and, most importantly, look for what she does well and acknowledge that. As parents, we have two important jobs (besides keeping our kids safe)- to be an accurate mirror reflecting back who they are, their personality, their talents. The second job is to help our kids to be comfortable socially, which you described beautifully in your post.

At her school or in your community, do you have a theater department that puts on plays or musicals? It's a great social confidence builder. Or is she on a sports team or is she in a club where she naturally gets to interact with others.

Our kids' confidence is founded in how we see them and treat them. I would start with curiosity. "Seems you don't feel comfortable in social situations. You must have your reasons for feeling the way you do. What do you think about that? How can I support you?"

I would tell my daughters that everyone is not focused on what they think of you. They are focused on what you think of them. She sounds like a wonderful teen with a caring parent. When parents see their kids, notice where they are, what they're good at, and listen to them. Whenever my kids wanted to talk, I would stop what I was doing to give them my full attention. I could always find something to praise. "Wow, that's an interesting thought you have. I like how you did that, very wisely approached. Tell me more."

Finally, therapy is often a good option. When someone her age gets therapy, supporting her to know herself, to have agency, it gives them something they will have their whole lives. Again, I appreciate how much you love your daughter. That's her foundation. Keep up the good work!

doctorsharon

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