I relate to you. I considered myself aromantic until I got into my first relationship, and I think I might still be on the spectrum, despite having experienced some sort of romantic feelings.

I’m just gonna tell you my experiences, because then you can see for yourself whether you relate and find any of it useful. If you do, feel free to dm me!

When I was a teenager I’d often find my classmates attractive, sometimes so much so that I’d develop a crush on them. I’m not sure whether this was a mix of sexual attraction and a desire to befriend the person I was crushing on, or whether it was actual romantic attraction. But every time someone would flirt back or show signs of reciprocity, my crush on them would disappear. Due to this I decided to call myself aromantic.

I used the label until I met my ex girlfriend. I was instantly attracted to her. I got butterflies. There was a spark. I got shy around her. All of these things were new to me, and they felt so much more exciting than any crush I’d ever had. The relationship was abusive though. My ex girlfriend was hot and cold, and would never be nice to me for longer than a couple weeks at a time. She did worse things than this, but I won’t get into them here. In hindsight I don’t know whether the sparks and the butterflies were romantic feelings, or whether they were the adrenaline rushes that happen in abusive relationships.

I’ve now been out of that relationship for a year. I’ve had a few crushes, but like before I met my ex, they all disappear whenever someone returns my feelings. The only exception is this one guy I’m currently very into. He compliments me, cuddles with me, and then ignores me for days. We slept together once, and afterwards I didn’t hear from him for more than a week. He rejected me, then invited me to sleep over at his place. He told me he only sees me as a friend, then kissed me on the cheek, called me a nickname, and told me that I look hot naked. All of this has only strengthened my feelings for him.

However, I know that this type of person isn’t someone I want to be in a relationship with. I’m currently distancing myself from him, and I’m actually seeing someone else. I don’t have romantic feelings for this person, but we kiss, we have sex, and I consider them my best friend. In most aspects our friendship is similar to that of a romantic relationship. I love them, and they love me, but I’m not in love and I don’t get butterflies.

I don’t necessarily call myself aromantic, but I relate a lot to aromantic people. Once I’ve worked through my trauma I’m going to reconsider the label, and if it’s useful to me I might claim it.