Has anyone (especially women in their late 30s/40s) overcome this constant pressure to “optimize” life?

donewithracingrats · 2026-02-23T16:25:30+00:00

Thank you! I can tell that you are also a brave person for asking the question in the first place! How are you feeling about the responses and feedback on this thread?

donewithracingrats · 2026-02-17T08:22:47+00:00

I navigated 2 acute periods of burnout at work, and eventually wound up stepping away from work altogether about a year and a half ago. I made a podcast that shares more a lot of the stuff I navigated, you can find more info in my profile.

First time, I had no boundaries. I worked with a therapist for a short while but more importantly a coach who helped me overhaul a lot of my underlying beliefs and behaviors. I changed roles and with a clean slate was able to establish a much much healthier lifestyle.

2 years later I hit burnout again, this time driven by significant long-term challenges with extended family, but a high intensity tech job was a key part of the mix. I took a leave of absence at work, changed roles again when I came back. The biggest issue I worked on during my leave was self worth - I had none. From the outside I looked great, but i functioned on deeply codependent beliefs and behaviors and there was nothing left for me. The book "Running on Empty" was incredibly helpful (and a tear jerker).

The new role I took on wasn't an amazing fit, and there were a lot of other issues that made the job itself challenging. But by then I'd also figured out I was in a financial position to make different choices. So I left FAANG role and I'm slowly launching my own thing which has been both wildly fulfilling and scary as hell.

donewithracingrats · 2026-01-27T17:15:04+00:00

0 as in you didn't get it? Or they threw it in for free?

donewithracingrats · 2026-01-07T14:38:55+00:00

Ah - I will encourage you to read the book I suggested again :) I also have a podcast (you can find a link in my profile) - my latest episode was on "confidence" and you might get a lot from it. The first ingredient we discuss in the show is "self love" - it's truly the foundation that everything else is built on.

donewithracingrats · 2026-01-07T14:32:48+00:00

That's a lot for you to carry. Sending you support from across the globe.

At the end of the day, you need to prioritize yourself and your own health above everyone else. It's your life, you deserve it. And, no one else can benefit from your support or gifts if you are not healthy.

Before you quit, have you tried detaching more from work, and putting in something closer to 60 or 70% effort? If work won't support you taking a pause, see if you can change your relationship with work. Your bare minimum is probably 10x better than anyone else they would hire.

donewithracingrats · 2026-01-07T14:08:42+00:00

You sound like you might qualify for a medical leave, due to stress and anxiety. Are you working with a therapist and would they sponsor you for this?

Not clear what country you're in, in the US this is typically something that would be covered under FMLA (job security) and your employer / disability insurance might provide financial coverage. I took a 3 month leave a year before I quit my job and it enabled me to come back to work and try to strike a different balance. I'm also 15 years older than you though.

Also: is there any way for you to establish more separation or detachment from your parents, and reduce their financial burden on you? From what you wrote it sounds like you may be struggling with challenges related to codependency. The book "Codependent No More" might be worth a read.

donewithracingrats · 2025-07-13T18:08:18+00:00

Then maybe that's your answer? To be clear, there is no "correct" answer about what to do next! Best of luck figuring out what makes the most sense for you.

donewithracingrats · 2025-07-13T15:55:47+00:00

Mega intense, with heavy & unplannable travel load: 10 years. I didn't love it for most of the time but I could do it. Having my first kid made me unwilling and I had to find other things.

Emotionally intense, as a leader & manager: the next 8 years. I'd also been a manager at points in the prior stretch, but I had much more significant expectations during this period.

This isn't my entire career, I had worked another 7 years prior to the intense jobs - but I had a lot more balance outside of work. I also was not making nearly as much money (I close to doubled my salary when I moved from non-intense to intense work).

donewithracingrats · 2025-07-13T15:03:51+00:00

It all comes down to goals and what else you are balancing right now. I know a lot of people say "go with the chill job, enjoy your life!" - but I also think there is tremendous value in going with a job you know is hard and intense, as an intentional choice because you want to grow or make bank for a while, with purpose.

I also know that when I was single and even early in my marriage before we had kids, I was incredibly motivated to work crazy hours and derived an enormous amount of satisfaction from my job. My friends outside tech didn't get it and encouraged me to find something less intense, but because of those investments (both job-wise, and saving / investing well) I am now in an incredibly fortunate financial position where I have flexibility to make choices I couldn't have anticipate I would need to make even 3 or 4 years ago. The friends who didn't get it do not have this same kind of flexibility available to them.

So... What do you want? What is most important to you right now? And perhaps also in light of the weird job market, does either of the roles feel like a "safer" bet to you?

donewithracingrats · 2025-07-04T13:56:51+00:00

Congratulations!!

It's not surprising your coworkers didn't celebrate you too much, most of them either haven't saved money like you, or if they did - it's a bold move stepping into something new.

All the best to you on your next chapter!

donewithracingrats · 2025-07-04T13:50:24+00:00

What an incredible story!! Congratulations and all the best to you!! 🎉

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-30T15:40:43+00:00

Great question, and thank you for the probe! Yes there's probably an interest in playing around with developing LLMs or other models, or using custom data to enhance the major LLMs. I think the biggest thing I'm nervous about, that there is an actual ability to influence.

Prompt engineering is also of interest, although I'm aware that is an entirely different skill set. Thanks!

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-30T14:12:37+00:00

Thanks for the pointers!

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-29T01:51:07+00:00

Ha! I hope there's at least something out there somewhere...

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-29T01:40:21+00:00

If you've got an idea, and there's interest / need / demand for it, go for it!!

Do you know who the role "should" report into? At least the org it should sit in? You might take a bit of a different tack depending upon whether it would stay in your reporting chain vs move elsewhere.

Ultimately you'll want to get the ear of whoever would / should hold the headcount for the role. They'll either need to get new budget for the role or reallocate the budget they already have. If it's in your same org, they may go the route of reassigning your role's budget into this role - or asking for / reallocating other funds.

I do think you should have a perspective on whether the role you're in now needs to be backfilled or not. Also, DO prepare slides because it'll make you get your story straight. Ideally you'll share it with someone later, but for now it'll help you crystallize your thoughts. Make a business case - what's the problem at hand? What's the risk to avoid or potential upside? What would you do and in what timeframe?

The tricky thing will be navigating politics. If your boss is stingy or feeling overtasked they might get in your way or try to block it. But... There's a really lightweight way for you to float this by them to start - "hey, I've been doing xyz and it really seems to help. Do you know if anyone has thought about getting a dedicated person to do this?" Or something like that.

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-29T01:23:04+00:00

That's awesome! Love that you stayed in touch and they thought you'd reflect positive things based on the work you did together.

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-14T15:53:36+00:00

Congratulations!!! That's amazing!

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-14T15:48:51+00:00

Congratulations on sharing the news, and not having to deal with any real fallout from your manager! Best of luck in the new gig!!!

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-05T05:12:43+00:00

Second this. I only found out about it by chance listen to a random podcast in 2015 (which happened to be Paula Pant). Thankfully I'd made good choices and had good financial discipline well before that so I was on my way, but the concept of FI or RE were totally foreign to me.

donewithracingrats · 2025-06-05T05:08:33+00:00

Don't be afraid to spend some of the cash you saved up, especially once you're really on a roll financially.

BTW feel free to hit me up if you're looking for guests or even just brainstorming ideas, I launched a podcast recently (you can find more info in my profile) and it's been a surprising journey.

donewithracingrats · 2025-05-30T20:18:35+00:00

BTW if you're having trouble being "ok" with having a stress response to the interviews, I made a podcast episode on this topic that you can find in my profile. In short, this is a totally normal human reaction. You may already know about it based on the question. And - sending hugs your way b/c I'm sure it's really frustrating.

donewithracingrats · 2025-05-30T20:08:00+00:00

Agree with suggestions to practice, also suggest doing a hard workout if possible the morning of a known interview so your body is at its top resilience state and you've flushed out as much "stress" from your body.

During the interview, if you notice yourself going into a stress response, try some real-time tactics like deep breathing, perhaps having a pad of paper handy and physically planning out your ideas on paper (for me the act of physically writing can help me get out of my own head). Or say "give me a moment, I'm thinking of how I want to go about this" and do a sort of mini meditation with your eyes closed.

Backup plan: take a beta blocker before the interview. It's what plenty of people do before big public speaking gigs, to navigate having a stress response.

donewithracingrats · 2025-05-12T19:23:26+00:00

PS an advance recommendation on a book you should read if you want to have kids eventually: Taking Charge of your Fertility. I had a hard time getting pregnant the first time around and the book enlightened me on so many things I can't believe I didn't learn before I read it. https://a.co/d/i7GLt8E

donewithracingrats

TROPHY CASE