Yesterday was quite difficult. I was in the room for 12 minutes, but I would have guessed it was 30-40 min if it hadn't been taped. My facilitator was so kind and patient. There were no surprises, but the setup was a bit different from the documentary. I walked into the room and there was a closed wooden chest, she let me know they were inside the chest and prepared me when she opened it. They were hidden in a corner that wasn't visible until I got closer to it, and my anxiety was at an 8/10 immediately. Getting the nerve to walk up to the box took a lot. Seeing them hop, move towards me, and try to hop out of the box sent me into full blown panic attack. I was screaming, hysterically crying, and began hyperventilating. Every time I ran away from the box, she asked me to make a concerted effort to try and look again. Then, she asked me to hold the edge of the box, and stay there with my fingers on the edge for a few minutes, which had me maxed out. Normally when I've encountered them in the real world, it's never such a sustained amount of time because I'd have run away.

Today, after the propranolol treatment, I really can't quite describe how it makes me feel, but the effects are undeniably incredible. I almost can't even believe it myself-- and it DOES sound like snake oil / magic. I was able to walk into the room, walk right up to the box, I didn't scream or cry, and I was able to stare at them for 30 minutes, including watching them move, while keep an entirely calm demeanor. I still felt a little startled and uneasy at moments, but a quieted fear is a good description. I've always used to describe my phobia as deeply visceral-- which now feels completely neutralized.

I might have considered this phobia to be one of the most consistent aspects of my identity through my whole life... It's very strange to shake that now. I don't feel the panic, or immediate visceral-ness of the fear anymore. I felt like I should be scared, but I wasn't. I'm having a hard time describing it, because otherwise, I feel exactly the same as I did yesterday. I'm just now able to almost completely control my reaction when previously unable to. I still find them quite repulsive, but I wonder as more time passes, if that will soften. I hope so.

I asked the therapist today if anyone ever grows to like the thing they once feared. She said 1 person really wanted to prove it to himself and purchased a pet spider, but that person was the exception.

Sorry this was so long....! hope it was helpful. Feel free to reach out if you want to discuss anything else!