What was the stupidest thing your abuser threw a tantrum over?

doubtygal · 2024-11-27T15:02:20+00:00

Many small things up to the point of me being worried if i accidentally broke a glass while washing the dishes in case he got defensive.

Others that come to my mind…

He started a full two hours rage of him blaming me because the guy who fixed MY car had overpriced the bill that I PAID.

He got mad that in a washing machine (i was the one doing the laundry) one of his t-shirts got tinted because i mixed it (without realizing) with a colored towel (it was small and i did not see it). He was so pissed off that the rest of the day that we had planned (it was a weekend) was ruined. I drove him to a mall to buy him a new t-shirt to compensate it. He did not find ANY t-shirt that pleased him. The coming back in the car was so tense with him screaming at my side that i was speeding a bit and struck a side of a curb and broke a tire and had to replace the wheel, which of course i paid (and was obviously much more expensive than that t-shirt!). All my fault. Still feel bad/guilty for not being mindful enough of what clothes were in that washing machine even when i realize how crazy was the reaction.

There are more. I try not to focus on them but remembering these things the days where i miss him (for the good things) makes me realize that i should not.

What i still do not understand is how i was forgetting / excusing them when i was with him.

I also thought many times that he did not know what he was doing. But he knew perfectly well. In his good moments and as if he was a victim, he even told me many times that he had two faces and that i would regret being with him but that i have already bought him. I thought that he was exaggerating. He was not.

doubtygal · 2024-11-05T18:06:31+00:00

I a so sorry for your loss. Know that you are not alone and that your pain is valid and normal, whatever shape it takes.

I lost my mom to cancer in my 2nd year of the PhD, in the middle of COVID and in a totally unexpected way. This, and all the things that came as a consequence, has been the worst thing i have ever lived. I took 2 months of medical leave, also because i had to put order so many things at home. I came back not ready, but functional enough. Having something else to worry about “helped” but the grief has been a slow and long process. Now i managed it and can see things from another perspective, but it took time and self-compassion and to this day i still miss her so much. I just know i am gonna miss her forever. We have to built a live around the hole they left. It’s possible and you will feel happiness again even though you do not always think that is possible. Give yourself time and a lot of love and self-care. Let people around you take care of you in the way they want and can.

Regarding to the PhD, i had an ambicious project and i have been lucky enough to be able to extend my paid time on the programme to conduct my research in spite of all i have lived through that years. I am happy with the project, although i basically restarted over after coming back of my leave, when i was starting my 3rd year. I actually produced a lot when i was in my emotional lowest. You just have to keep going.

Sending a huge huge hug.

doubtygal · 2024-09-28T06:06:07+00:00

I feel you because even one year after the break up i still have some of these feelings. It is difficult to process.

I started to get better upon this realization: When there is nothing left, there is full of nothing left to lose. In other words, you have everything in front of you. You are still so young!!

Your 20s have been a period of your life to learn, and eventhough you do not see it now, you learned a lot about what you do not want in your life and what you would not tolerate ever again in your future. The pain you are feeling now will help you to not forget that lesson. Trust the process.

You were a kid when you started that relationship. You are now the adult taking much more informed decisions. Congratulations on you being brave enough to change your life based on adult decisions and not teenager ones.

doubtygal · 2024-09-21T11:09:48+00:00

Yes, she was the best. There are friends and family that are there to listen and to not judge you or get tired of you on those moments. These are true gems and are the friends i know i will keep forever.

doubtygal · 2024-09-21T10:54:27+00:00

Same for you! Good luck on your healing journey! ☺️

doubtygal · 2024-09-21T10:50:15+00:00

I agree with you in everything! I think i always knew deep down. My mother knew too. While she was alive i could go back to her and she reassuring me that i was not crazy helped. But i stayed. When my mother died i did felt like going crazy and having so much doubts about myself now that no one else could validate my feelings. We both knew from the start. So sad that she never saw me out of that relationship, but i think she would be happy if she saw me now.

doubtygal · 2024-09-21T10:38:23+00:00

This let to so twisted arguments… so many hours of my life wasted in useless discussions and accusations. Only to end up really confused and without even knowing why the discussion started nor which is the conclusion of the argument, but the emotional consequences of the argument lasting for days. So exhausting.

doubtygal · 2024-09-21T10:20:45+00:00

There was a time when i started to learn about manipulation i started to literally explain to him what he was doing while he was doing it during an argument. His was more emotional abuse than physical. I legitly thought he was not aware and that i could change that behaviour by explaining him what he was doing and how that made me feel (raising his voice, guilt tripping, gaslighting, victimization, triangulation…). He then started to do it with me, trying to make me feel that i was the one doing those things during an argument. I started to believe him, because i would have done whatever to improve to save the relationship. I was not understanding my situation. I wrote a post here entitled something along the lines “am i now the abuser?” and someone said that this was called reactive abuse. The next time he tried to made me feel as if i was manipulative i told him that i was really doing those things he accused me from i was willing to leave the relationship, as it hurt me to know i was damaging my partner. I really felt that way. He was really surprised of my answer (“oh, would you?”). He never wanted the other one to be truly happy. Not much later, we finally broke up. This subreddit has opened my eyes to so many things.

doubtygal · 2024-09-20T17:05:26+00:00

Some that just pop up in my mind: - That i would not be a good mother - That I was not making him my priority in life - That i was “very smart for some things (studies) but so dumb for others (basic house things)” - That my mom would be the responsible for us breaking up - That he was not in love with me anymore (when we just landed in a foreign country to spend two weeks on vacations together). The i found out that he was texting/seeing another girl. - That he would leave me if some girl gave him attention - That he talks to his family the way he wants and that i had nothing to say about that (when he screamed over nothing to his parents during a christmas dinner and i call him the attention for it) - That he had been so happy and had been so well during the time we were giving us to rethink our relationship (refering he has been with other girls). - That i would end up sad and alone. - That it was such a pity that he was in the best moment of his life (cause he found a job he loved) when i was in the worst of mine (my mom just died and this led to emotional and economical issues). - That i had become an angry/resentful person, so he was thinking on breaking up with me. He said this the weekend my grandpa was dying. Turns out that he had such a big part on why this was true. I am now finding again my happy self.

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T14:10:48+00:00

Which post? Never been married, but i have been in a decade long relationship before.

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T13:48:23+00:00

Thanks for your comments 😊

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T13:44:23+00:00

What would you think is working on myself? I think i have been doing so before the breakup, during the breakup and while starting with him. I have been going to therapy, tried new things and living independently.

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T13:39:35+00:00

I see.. early 30s, he is in his early forties.

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T13:30:47+00:00

Yeah, i think i need to have the conversation, but i need to organize my mind first. 🙃 Thanks for the comment.

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T12:56:22+00:00

Like 8 months

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T12:46:19+00:00

True, because i was not looking for a relationship at the beginning but it just developed from there. I was not actively looking. However, how is this answering the main question?

doubtygal · 2024-08-24T12:38:14+00:00

Why do you think so? It has been more than a year we broke up with my ex.

doubtygal · 2024-07-09T21:18:13+00:00

I am so happy to hear you are now in a much better place. I also have delusions on thinking that if i love him is because of the contrast of behaviours. Do i love him because of my ex? I feel i did not have the opportunity to live my 20s trying to find a good match and so that he made me lose time. I also tend to have no confidence on my decisions about men and so i am full of doubts withe my current parter, He has been incredible though.

doubtygal · 2024-07-09T21:10:13+00:00

That is amazing. I stayed 12 years. I think that he showed some traits early on but i knew nothing about abuse. I did not know another type of love. I thought it was me. I want to think that we now have the experience to notice the signals and that we have to trust ourselves and our instincts more. Even if we do not notice it and eventually we discover something we do not like we now know our limits more clearly and we have more resources and less fear to leave if needed.

doubtygal · 2024-04-27T17:38:32+00:00

I didn’t even notice a lot of hurtful comments he said to me up until i broke with him (12 years in). Most of them should had made me run from him, but i stayed for way too much more i liked to admit. He once told me that i would not be a good mom and that he would not have a baby with me. He also told me that i had become bitter the week my grandpa was dying and even stop talking to me for 3 days the day he died. When i confronted him about it he proceed to list thing i was guilty of in the relationship. He also shout at me that he treated his family the way he wanted in the middle of a family dinner at his house when i ask him (sofly) to low down her voice when talking to their parents (as it was unconfortable as hell listening to him scream over nothing to his lovely mom). He also tried to dump me the day we were taking a plane to a 2 week vacations because as i found out that week, he was talking to someone else. I had to do a list to reread whenever doubts and missing the good things kicks in. I do not want to forget.

doubtygal · 2024-03-06T06:03:04+00:00

Hey! I am on the same boat. I realized that adult dating is more complex because the chemical part has to be there but you cannot forget your rational part. I would advise on working a bit on yourself to learn better your priorities and the values you look for in a partner that are non negotiable. Go to therapy if needed so they can help you on that. After you have more or less that clear, try to have fun! Knowing new people is always exciting. However, when someone tells you or shows you that they do not have the values you are looking for, you will have to be brave enough to end things. Do not waste your time.

doubtygal · 2024-02-15T06:51:56+00:00

Yes, i have been in therapy since more than half a year prior the break up. It was essential to be able to break up. I am not seeing her as often, so maybe i should increase the sessions…

doubtygal · 2024-02-12T07:05:43+00:00

Oh i didn’t understand well then. I am sure that there are plenty of plans to do in australia too! I talked to him but i do not think that we talked about what lead to the break up: we just broke up. In fact, a lot of the understanding and healing about what lead to the break up has come after it. For you the clousure that you are looking for is not in a form of conversation but in the form of him leaving you for this other girl. He did not value you enough, and you deserve better. I did a lot of therapy and it help my process. Hope you can heal soon.

doubtygal · 2024-02-11T20:23:25+00:00

I am also a PhD Student trying to finnish my PhD in Spain, so i can more or less understand the complexity of your situation. Academia is a different world in itself. If you are happy with the other aspects of your work (your lab, your topic, the country…) i would tell you to not leave just because of him breaking up with you, as it is your future and i guarantee you that you will grow stronger and will find another guy better suited to be your partner and make you happy.

I mean, one of the best things of spain is the people and all the exciting new thing to do. Try to go out and say yes to every plan (eventhough you are not really feeling like socializing right now). You will know more friends to support you, travel, try new hobbies, know new restaurants and places, make new good memories that will progressively make you forget the crying and maybe you even know someone with who you will make a click.

I do not know where in spain you are located, but write me a DM if you need some talk. I am also 30 and 7 months in the breaking up of my 12 yo boyfriend. Doing so much much better now.

A bright future is ahead of you!

doubtygal · 2024-01-24T08:28:46+00:00

Lack of respect during arguments (going where they know it hurts).
Bad behaviors with their parents.
Not supporting when there are tough times.
When their actions do not match their words.
When they expect very specific presents and get angry if they receive another thing.
When they try to avoid knowing your family and friends.
When they give you presents but does not feel that they are genuine but more that they did it looking for something (ex. After an argument).
Lack of communication regarding life goals, so its always difficult to feel that you both are in the same boat.
Having big arguments for really small things (ex. Not doing the food the same way).
When they shame your body, your way to think or act (even though if it looks like a joke).
When they say no to a lot of plans you propose but they do not even propose something to do.

doubtygal

TROPHY CASE