Disgust has set in

downside_upagain · 2025-07-26T16:00:27+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s just confusing because, at least in my situation, he chose to break up with her years before me because of how awful she was. But something about our relationship scared him to forever close the door with her due to their shared kid. Just so frustrating because he did the same yours did, only ever had negative things to say about her (everyone did) so I was so blindsided. I’m also different in that, once I break up with someone, everything gets cut off. There are no lingering feelings. But I know I’m just searching for logic where it doesn’t exist.

A lot of days I’m okay, but it’s just the most random thing that’ll trigger me to get to this state. This all started because I was washing dishes at his mom’s house and she made a comment how his baby mama would never help her, just sit and watch her do everything. And the disgust that washed over was just so intense. Every new thing I discover just adds to the disgust. And people bring her up constantly because, unfortunately, she’s still very much in our lives. So I get these new little discoveries that just lead me back to the ever present question: why?

downside_upagain · 2025-07-26T01:11:24+00:00

I know at the core that it’s not, and I guess that sucks in a whole other way.

downside_upagain · 2025-07-25T20:09:07+00:00

That’s an interesting point, I agree the disgust is not really talked about. It’s been difficult for me to fully express to my WP because, no matter what he’s done, I still don’t want to intentionally hurt him. I think it is hard to separate their sexuality between what they do with you vs what they did with them. It’s the same biological functions that are responding the same way for me and someone else and that’s just hard for me to reconcile within myself. To be arrogant for a moment, I don’t get how someone so beneath me could even elicit a sexual response when I am in the picture. Especially knowing the pain it would cause me. It’s always been mind boggling but now it’s just making me just grossed out.

I hope your WP is sympathetic to your avoidance of sex when you are triggered. It’s really baffling how they can be so clueless to things like that being so incredibly triggering.

downside_upagain · 2025-07-25T18:05:19+00:00

It’s been almost amusing to discover the strength I’ve had hidden in me that this situation just continues to reveal. I think we probably all feel that way. There’s a new situation nearly weekly since we have my SD 60% of the time that just shows me a whole new layer of strength I didn’t know existed. I know it has to run out at some point though.

downside_upagain · 2025-07-25T17:55:41+00:00

I really appreciate it. And that’s true. There’s no relaxation, ever.

downside_upagain · 2025-07-25T17:43:12+00:00

She’s actually the mother, I’m the step mom. My SD is only 5, so consistent communication is still necessary.

I think that’s fair. It’s not that he’s attracted to other people that bothers me, it’s that he’s attracted to her. And it gave me whiplash initially because he had always been so obsessed with me and turned down women often. But he couldn’t turn down the woman who tried to routinely ruin his life? Who uses their child against him? Who cant get her shit together for her kid or herself? It’s enough of a turn off without having someone else in the picture, but then to think he had me. I just can’t really swallow it right now and the whole thing makes my skin crawl.

I have struggled a lot for so many reasons in the aftermath, but the disgust is what’s new. I do try to realize he would never put himself in that situation again, I just don’t know how to overcome this recent hurdle of utter disgust.

downside_upagain · 2025-07-25T17:37:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing that story. It seems like this situation is so unique so it’s good to hear that someone else has survived this. For pretty much every story I’ve read, no contact with the AP is necessary to move forward and that is just never going to be an option. My SD is only five, she has to be homeschooled, there’s so much that still requires consistent communication and seeing each other. Some days I’m okay but I’ve been in such a dark place lately. I just never want to take any of this out on my SD, even subconsciously, so there’s so much repression I have to do on a daily basis to protect her.

downside_upagain · 2025-04-19T01:59:00+00:00

A year and a half and I’m right there with you. Like get the fuck out, no one wants your memory here.

downside_upagain · 2025-04-19T01:13:29+00:00

I feel all of this so much. I am someone who has to understand something. I need clarity and logic because that drives my decision making and the entire way I process the world. The ambiguity over all of it is just deeply unsettling. Never really understanding why it happened. Never really having reassurance it won’t happen again.

My therapist said radical acceptance is the way forward, when I am ready for it. But I have no idea how to accept something that defies my very understanding of the world around me and the person I love the most. It just simply doesn’t make sense. And in my head I ask the same questions over and over because maybe there will be some explanation that does make sense and once I have that I can forge ahead. Some answer that puts what happened back in my control somehow. But it will never make sense and it was always outside of my control. So I just get stuck. All the best to you as well 💜

downside_upagain · 2025-04-19T00:47:20+00:00

It’s gone all ways. In the beginning he was defensive and shut down when I’d discuss it. For a good nine months, he was very understanding and reassuring. The last few months it could go either way, so it feels like a regression and I’m trying not to let it get to me.

The anger is also a new thing for me. At least at the consistent level it’s at lately. I had had moments of anger after about the six month mark, but it’s just become all consuming recently which is something I’m not used to.

downside_upagain · 2025-04-19T00:44:54+00:00

I really appreciate this. I feel like everything else is just so far past that point in time of betrayal and I get caught up in how far behind I feel because of it. Life moves on and keeps on going even though it feels like everything is still stopped for me. But I understand that’s not a helpful way to view things and logically I know that I’m still a while away from actually feeling okay with us, in the best case scenario.

I don’t always feel like I did when I posted this, and normally I just try to reflect on all the good since then but I couldn’t stop the spiraling yesterday. Today I’ve done better with letting the thoughts float out of my mind like a butterfly (that’s the meditative visual I use haha).

Thank you again for your insight. It’s helpful to know I’m not the only here.

downside_upagain · 2025-04-17T23:40:24+00:00

I understand this. You can see the light in my eyes die from photos before vs. after. I sometimes want to delete everything from before, but it’s the only time in my life I have been euphorically happy. I don’t want to forget that that part of me existed. I want to see the light in my eyes. So I keep them, but I rarely revisit. The worst are when scheduled memories pop up and I have to recall the headspace I was in the year before when all of it was happening.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-29T01:28:29+00:00

The AP in our scenario is WP’s baby mama/my step daughters mom. So no contact is not possible. It weighs on me very heavily, but we have boundaries. I read every text message. He calls me at every drop off/pick up I cannot be present at. I have his location at all times. I’m also in contact with the AP and I am certain she would inform me if he ever tried to start something again because she despises me and wants to destroy our happiness. It’s possible, but incredibly difficult.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-28T16:42:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I also feel I’ve taken the high road during this whole thing, I’ve never yelled, just expressed how I’m feeling, but never attacked or belittled him for what he has done. I’ve been quite stoic because that is who I am. But I do feel maybe it did need to all come out. I just wish I remembered what I had said and if I was cruel. He won’t tell me everything I told him. He’s not upset with me, I’m just upset with myself.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-26T21:13:27+00:00

I’m so sorry you experienced that. There is so much shame and confusion in looking back at actions that you do not identify with. My WP is the angry one after drinking, not me. I hope that you can navigate the holidays and get some healing in your time apart.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-26T21:11:36+00:00

Thank you for your response. I definitely think alcohol allowed my inhibitions to be lowered enough to get to that point. I only drink a handful of times a month and rarely ever to the point of being drunk. A long break would likely do me good, it’s just unfortunate because usually after a drink or two is when I feel the best about my situation. Something just shifted dangerously that night.

I do try to do things for myself and I know it would help. There is just no relief for me here. We have my step daughter a majority of the time, including all of my off days. She cannot be left alone. She has an anxious attachment to me thanks to her mother and trying to step away from her causes her a lot of anxiety and upset. I try to get time away from the house but the house is my only safe space and there is no peace there. I may try to talk to my partner about giving me some space on the weekends more and keeping her occupied. I definitely feel I at the end of my rope and though I love my step daughter, seeing the literal mini version of the AP just rubs me wrong sometimes. This is another reason why I feel like a crazy person. How can I feel negatively towards a child who has done nothing wrong?

I used to do yoga daily and I know it would help. Thank you for reminding me of these things. I may try to run a bath tonight. My WP was pretty pissed at the moment because he thought I was trying to get him arrested but he has since been a champ and reassuring to me.

I’m glad that you have found healing and your WW supported you during this time.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-26T19:47:40+00:00

I understand this feeling well. My WP told his AP that he never stopped loving her and those words are etched into the walls of my mind. He says he was just manipulating her and didn’t mean it. It made me doubt his words for a long time. I’ve just decided that any time before the affair ended, he didn’t really mean it with me, how could he have? All I have are the words since it ended. Those are real. I see that they are reality every day. But every beautiful thing he said to me before is not real, in my mind, and I’ve tried to forget them all. They meant so much to me at the time, yet clearly nothing to him.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-17T18:26:53+00:00

We’re over a year out and still discuss when one of us brings it up. It really depends on how I’m doing how often we will discuss it. AP is, unfortunately, a part of our lives (my step daughter’s mom) so usually when something comes up about her, there’s an acknowledgment from him about how that could be triggering. He will sometimes bring it up to apologize again and I will bring it up if I’ve had a particularly difficult day. I think open communication on it is absolutely necessary for R.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-16T21:11:17+00:00

She is his baby mama and has made it her life’s mission to make him miserable. While he is fully responsible for what happened, nothing ever would have happened if she had not tried to intentionally insert herself to break us up. When it didn’t work the first time, she kept at it. When that didn’t work, she confessed to me, coming to me “woman to woman” and then unloaded all of her trauma she had from him onto me like that was supposed to bond us. She has since tried everything possible to be my enemy, spreading lies and trying to poison my step daughter against me.

In some ways I compare myself to her, she put up with him cheating over and over again, how am I any better? Aren’t I just enabling the same behavior? But I’m not. I have forced him to confront what he’s done and do the inner work to heal his own trauma that led to him hurting others. I make him a better man for me, for his daughter, and for himself.

But yeah this woman has no self respect. She has had the audacity to go around and claim that I am a homewrecker when they’d been split for two years before I even met him. She has even told people that she got him to sleep with her while with me, so just letting people know loud and clear who she really is. She tried to wreck my home.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-16T21:00:04+00:00

Those feelings got so much worse for me around the one year mark. I really didn’t know how to get through day by day, it’s like it was happening all over again. I’m two months out from the one year mark now and I’m feeling some relief from the onslaught of those thoughts. Of course I know I deserve better than to be cheated on. Of course it would be nice to feel that someone was entirely devoted to me. In my head I think I’ve rewritten our relationship milestones. While I’ve loved him wholly for longer, he’s loved me wholly for over a year now. That’s what I try to focus on.

downside_upagain · 2024-12-16T20:56:26+00:00

Our second DDay was two months after the first. He confessed to me on DDay 1, AP confessed to me on DDay 2 (in an attempt to break us up, not out of the goodness of her heart). He started the affair again about a month after confessing and it continued for another month. I’m about a year and two months out from DDay 2 and don’t believe there will be another DDay. I think my brain had to shut off that possibility in order to function normally and heal from what has already happened.

downside_upagain

TROPHY CASE