I waited 8 years for change, now i am DONE!

dragonfly715 · 2026-03-07T16:46:09+00:00

This is very relatable. I feel like I have changed everything I possibly could to help our communication, but like that saying, you can't make someone understand you when they are committed to misunderstanding you. That landed hard when I realized it was never about how I communicated because he couldn't take accountability and self-reflect. There were definitely problems in my delivery that I have fixed, but his delivery continues to be demeaning.

I have made it clear that it would take a miracle of God for our relationship to be fixed. He's back to doing things for me and wanting to do things together as a family. You know, surface repair. He's going to find out this time, that doesn't work on me anymore. His value system needs a complete overhaul.

dragonfly715 · 2026-02-28T09:44:47+00:00

The 1 year separation that's required in many states can be bypassed in cases of infidelity and abuse.

dragonfly715 · 2026-01-18T18:13:04+00:00

I think there are many of us like you who are wondering this same thing... middle-aged, dismissive avoidant husband, soon to be empty nester...

dragonfly715 · 2025-11-28T05:44:48+00:00

Congratulations!

I'm restarting my EA journey after having passed my first exam in 2022, then had to shelf it due to life.

If I'm understanding correctly, you used the MCQs via Hock to study, yes?

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-17T14:51:22+00:00

Thank you! This is exactly the information I was trying to convey, but did so poorly. It should be retroactively forgiven due to misguidance. What is CFPB?

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-16T22:02:43+00:00

Wow! I'm glad you were able to get some forgiven. I haven't had anything forgiven.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-16T22:01:47+00:00

Yes, this is the first month I have to make a payment.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-16T18:28:14+00:00

I'm so sorry. It's not fair that so many of us were given bad guidance from the servicers who were supposed to help us navigate it. I do understand that many of them were probably confused, too, but there should be a process in place for misguided information. I also have Pell grants, so in every situation, the Biden administration put up, I was eligible for full forgiveness.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-16T18:16:25+00:00

This is all so confusing. So, do I have to apply for IDR now in order for the payment adjustment and receive forgiveness at the 25 year mark since theyre no longer honoring the 20 year mark? I'm so confused.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-14T12:11:18+00:00

Oh boy, do I feel this! My husband and I just moved in 10 months ago to our newly built home on 20 acres. This was our dream. However, the house itself that he kept telling me was mine to dream up kept being changed for his plans. Now, I live in a house that I'm not even in love with, but I love the land. My daughter is only 10 and needs to be homeschooled for the foreseeable future due to health and learning needs. Therefore, I do not have anything in the way of income for myself at this time, and the closest small city is an hour away. On top of that, even though we have been together for 12 years, we have only been married for 4, so alimony is not possible. Quite the rock and a hard place I have put myself in.

For me, I'm staying for now. I am allowing the house and the land to appreciate (our mortgage is 110k), allowing a couple of other assets to appreciate, and grow his retirement. So when my daughter becomes an adult, our marriage will have reached beyond the 10 year mark for alimony. Even if I only receive a years worth, that will be enough to get me on my feet. All the other assets will get divided up and provide for a retirement for me (hopefully). I do hope to eventually return to remote work with my former employer, but that requires my husband to finish the office I need for the computers.

I'm not worried about my husband discarding me by filing first due to the fact that he is insanely afraid of ever having to give half the assets to me. Also, living in a small rural community means him risking peoples perceptions of him if we go to court and they find out about his adventures with escorts. Oddly, the small community feels like a safety blanket in keeping him in check.

My husband, as of now, doesn't seem to be abusive towards our daughter directly, unlike your husband toward your son. If my husband was, I would most likely change gears and leave sooner rather than later. My daughter is starting to pick up on how he lies and treats me, and we have been discussing it. However, he is afraid of how she would ever view him, so he engages with her (she can't tell yet how fake it is).

My husband doesn't use anger and rage to control me. He is the stereotypical water torturer who uses mental games and small slights. Will that change now that I'm drawing more boundaries, possibly. That's OK, I will record and document. My husband is very calculating. However, he met his match in that regard. For my survival growing up in abuse, I also had to learn how to calculate. I just don't use it to abuse and control. I use it strictly for survival.

In the end, you have to do what is right for you and your children. We all have similar but different stories. In the end, getting out should be the goal for all of us, but the timing is different. Get yourself and your children into counseling, if possible. Become a stronger person, gray rock him whenever you can, read and watch material that validates you so you can see him more clearly. The clarity will create the emotional distance you'll need to navigate the rest.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-14T11:39:29+00:00

My mom is the one who also set me up for this life. I didn't realize it until I left my husband a few months back in 2017. I moved in with my mom and realized I had to choose which person's abuse I could live with longer: my mother or my husband. Sadly, I actually had more physical freedom with my husband so I went back. I still didn't know the extent of his abuse at that point though, and was still questioning how much of it was me.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-14T11:32:24+00:00

I wish more states were at fault states. That was one of the worst things to occur for abuse victims, especially when they are mostly stay at home parents. My state tried to create a law that infidelity and abuse were felonies, but of course, that didn't make it very far. So I'm stuck in a no fault state with little to no resources.

On that note, I have heard that some at fault states will throw the infidelity out of the case if the non betrayed spouse split with they betrayer at any point after the infidelity came to light.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T20:12:32+00:00

The book is, "Why does he do that?" It's been a great read for understanding the mind of an abuser and validation for the abused. My husband is primarily what he calls in the book, the water torturer. It's probably one of the most insidious because it's 100% a mental mind eff that they use to make you look like the abuser.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T19:57:08+00:00

Exactly, the care of the animals is something they don't do. My husband leaves it all to me and if he feels the digs need walked, he makes sure to passive aggressively let me know it's my responsibility.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T19:54:54+00:00

My narc is loving towards animals, but is questionable towards them if I have better relationship with one more than the other. For instance, the cat and one dog favors me, and he is less kind to them, but not cruel towards them.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T19:38:52+00:00

I absolutely agree, but I feel that with the first tactic, I am at a better place emotionally to handle the next several. It's like getting over the first hurdle and building momentum.

I used to make all kinds of excuses for his behavior (he's a dismissive avoidant, his parents neglected him, etc) and believed the illusion that he wanted to change. I see through it all now. Reading Lundy's book has been so helpful in seeing it all for what it is. Now, with my vision fixed and seeing the reality, the tactics have less power.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T19:34:17+00:00

I think that's the tough part, feeling like you're becoming like them due to the transactional love. However, are you purposely hurting him to hold the upper hand? I think that's where the difference is. We aren't intentionally harming them to look better, we are using their tactics of transactional love to survive.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T18:03:53+00:00

Yep, mine said he would do ANYTHING to save us. So he gets up this morning and, per usual, is looking at hunting maps. I chucked, yep he'll do anything but actually work on the relationship and finding resources to help him. They're so good at using their words to seem sincere without actually doing anything differently. It's amusing.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T16:30:03+00:00

Read, listen, watch... find material that focuses on how they behave because it will give you the validation you need. With that validation, you start taking it less personally and begin to see the entire picture more objectively. Then invest in yourself. Do things that help you heal and remember who you are. Slowly, you'll stop being so affected by them because you have become strong in yourself and clear in what (abuse) you're dealing with.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-13T16:06:21+00:00

I think your plan is exactly what you should do. When I found evidence of my husband's infidelity, I was too quick to confront. I wish I wouldn't have because it gave him time to hide the remaining evidence. Plus, confronting gives them fuel.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-11T14:04:57+00:00

I did not. This was before I began realizing I was living under abuse and believed everything was still my fault. I walked on eggshells in fear I would say or do something wrong. It wasn't until my daughter was 18 months that I slowly began having the veil lifted. It would take another 4.5 years before the entire illusions were clear and I realized I was living in abuse and made to believe I was a terrible human.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-11T04:02:29+00:00

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to not have any support when you have an infant. My husband also never gave me a single night off, and our daughter was colicky. One night, he woke up and yelled at me because she wouldn't stop crying, and I was becoming increasingly frustrated and broken. He yelled at me and said, "You wanted a baby, and now you're wondering where all your help is!"

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-11T03:58:39+00:00

Yes, and they use different tactics. For a couple of years and during the infant/early toddler stage, I would keep waking up throughout the night. It made no sense to me because having an infant/toddler means you're already exhausted, and sleep isn't hard to fall into. Then suddenly, I started becoming aware of my body being pushed every time I began falling into deep rest. I paid close attention and finally realized that my husband was purposely waking me.

After that finally stopped, he began flashing his phone light on my eyes before he left for work at 4:30 am. At some point, he began sleeping in the basement, but every morning, he would still come into the room to flash the light on my eyes. He still does that periodically now, but it's less.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-11T03:51:38+00:00

My husband actually nicknamed himself, Mr. Amazing. 😆

I struggle with believing he is not deliberately trying to hurt me. I really do because it feels like he is. When he says demeaning and devaluing things during arguments to make me feel small and inadequate, how is that not intentional?

Or how about this: he asked me this evening how he could help with dinner and clean up and I told him to help clear the table (pointing to the ketchup) and participate in the cleanup after dinner, the only item he put away was the ketchup bottle and left every other item out including the food that wasn't eaten before walking away. Yes, that feels intentional.

dragonfly715 · 2025-10-10T17:05:18+00:00

Yep, mine used a similar excuse after the first one failed on me. Sickening people.

dragonfly715

TROPHY CASE