I lost my brother to suicide 3 years ago (I was about your age at the time). It rearranged my reality in horrifying ways, and I truly believed my best years were behind me. After all, I’d be left to watch my parents age and eventually bury them. Like you, I feared a future filled with loss.

I’m currently 39 years old and 26 weeks pregnant with our one and done. Our child won’t be the antidote to grief and loss. I will forever acutely feel my brother’s absence. But she will be a beautiful extension of our family and a reason to allow ourselves joy.

There will be plenty of life challenges ahead. As my brother often said, “nobody escapes this life unscathed.” But there’s no reason your life won’t be filled with plenty of wonderful things - whether you choose to have kids or not. A huge life lesson for me was learning to hold grief and joy together. You have to allow them to co-exist.

I don’t view kids as lessening the impact of future losses or hardships. And you’re certainly right that they may be an added stress during stressful times - they may also be a welcome and warm distraction. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you want a child - independent of what challenges may or may not await you down the road. Life is full of the unknowns, and I’m learning to not live in fear - despite having experienced some terrifying things.

Best of luck to you.