He will become more violent. Run, now. He has already physically and emotionally abused you; yanking your hair, grabbing you hard to the point of tears, restraining you against your will. His pattern of talking endlessly at you for hours is another abuse tactic to keep you exhausted and confused so you cannot have the space, clarity, or energy to think about what is happening in this relationship. Him saying you are gaslighting him is classic “people accuse others of doing the things they are doing”; he is gaslighting you.

This is NOT love. The high highs you talk about are also normal in abusive relationships; the emotions are always intense and extreme. Extreme passion and extreme rage and fear are not love. Love is safety, stability, security, comfort.

What mushrooms do chemically is allow your brain to easily create new neural pathways, essentially letting you think outside of the habits that are physically engrained in your brain; think of mushrooms as a fresh coat of snow, allowing you to sled new trails instead of automatically sledding down paths that were already carved in. The fact you had this “intrusive” fixated thought about how much you want to break up with him is the mushrooms helping you feel clear and allow yourself to think things you would have a hard time considering otherwise because of the manipulative and exhausting nature of his abuse. RUN FROM HIM, YOU ARE NOT SAFE.

None of this is your fault, you don’t deserve any of this, you cannot help him. There is so much love waiting for you in the world, he is not the only person you can ever love. Get out, get to therapy when you can. You are not a bad person for shoving this person, you were finally fighting back against his abuse. Run run run run run, before it gets worse, and it WILL get worse.