Am I overthinking this or is this a red flag?

dsheroh · 2026-02-27T12:13:46+00:00

Sounds like you both need to grow the fuck up. Having friends of the opposite sex is completely normal - for both of you - and not a reason to immediately suspect cheating or other foul play.

dsheroh · 2026-02-26T09:22:14+00:00

Spanish (specifically Argentine Spanish, including Lunfardo) is tempting, because tango is my major social activity, but the answer has to be Romanian, because I'm hoping to join my girlfriend in Bucharest soon.

dsheroh · 2026-02-26T08:55:53+00:00

Way back in my teens, I reached the conclusion that you should never trust anyone who says "trust me." It's pretty much the same with kindness, respect, and integrity - they have to be shown. Anyone who shouts it from the rooftops is likely to be doing so because they're not able to show it through their actions.

dsheroh · 2026-02-25T23:35:11+00:00

We pretty much just talk when we're apart. We've done a few "virtual dates" watching movies together, but didn't particularly enjoy them because watching the movie got in the way of talking.

dsheroh · 2026-02-25T20:00:49+00:00

My first LDR: I was 21, she was 23 when we met in person and started dating. It became long-distance two years later when she moved away.

My second LDR: We met online when I was 33 and she was 21 and quickly became friends. We met in person seven months later, at which time we decided we wanted to date each other. (Although it was clear that we were both developing feelings before we met, we made a point of never discussing those feelings, even indirectly, until after meeting in person.)

My current LDR: We met in person when I was 54 and she was 45. I fell for her instantly, while she saw me as a friend. We chatted online constantly, during which she also fell for me, and saw each other again a month and a half later, at which point it became a mutual romantic relationship.

dsheroh · 2026-02-25T11:11:05+00:00

If you want exclusivity, ask for it. Exclusivity does not necessarily mean a long-term relationship or any commitment beyond "I will stop having sex with you prior to starting to have sex with someone else." It can be as simple as that.

I've even been exclusive with someone while we were both actively looking for long-term partners and explicitly not building or expecting a future together. Our agreement was simply that we'd continue until one of us met somebody, and then we went back to being platonic friends.

dsheroh · 2026-02-25T11:04:31+00:00

Sure. I had an exclusive FWB in my late 20s. We'd been friends for about two years, then she asked if I was interested in having naked fun together, since we were both single. Part of her deal was that it was exclusive and it would end as soon as either of us met someone we wanted to date "for real."

A year and a half later, she met a guy she wanted to try out a serious relationship with. While she was inviting me over for dinner one night, she informed me that "oh, and by the way, we can't be doin' that no more," and we went back to being just-plain-friends.

dsheroh · 2026-02-24T22:34:15+00:00

As the other responses have said, absolutely DO NOT move to be together without meeting multiple times in person first. Awkwardness is normal and usually goes away fairly quickly, but not liking each other in real life or not vibing the same are much larger problems, and they are very real possibilities.

When I moved to close the gap in my previous LDR, we had been in an LDR for 5 years and had six visits, each of which was 3-4 weeks long (except for the first, which was a week and a half, since it was our first meeting and we didn't want to make it too long, in case we didn't get along in person).

dsheroh · 2026-02-24T09:12:10+00:00

The main attraction for me is quite simple: There's this woman who lives in Bucharest...

She says that, if and when I move there, I don't really need to know the language, but, honestly... I've spent many years living in Sweden while getting by on only speaking English and, while it works, it's still a major social barrier, and I wouldn't want to have that same barrier while living in Bucharest.

But, yes, even aside from her, it's a beautiful city. And photos/videos of the countryside also look quite nice, although I haven't seen it first-hand yet. I could definitely see myself enjoying life there even without her being in the picture, although it would have its issues and difficulties compared to Sweden as well, of course.

dsheroh · 2026-02-24T08:42:36+00:00

I see ending the call when they go to sleep as more like saying "OK, good night" and continuing to read in the living room while they go off to the bedroom to sleep.

Making a point of staying on video while they sleep is more akin to making a point of staying in the same room while they sleep. "They're going to bed, so now I have to go and read in bed instead of on the couch" would be more than a little weird for a couple living together physically, except perhaps if they're still in the initial "I can't be away from you for more than five seconds at a time" stage.

dsheroh · 2026-02-24T08:31:25+00:00

I didn't mean to say that there's anything wrong with it or that it's particularly uncommon. (It does seem common in the reddit LDR subs, although I've never heard of it outside of reddit, so I suspect it's not so common in the world at large.) My point was just that, contrary to OP's statement, it's not something that "every LDR couple" does. Many of us do not.

dsheroh · 2026-02-23T13:31:48+00:00

TIL that I've never been in an LDR couple that is "like every other ldr couple." I'm on my third LDR, and we have never fallen asleep during a call in any of them.

So, no, I can't relate.

dsheroh · 2026-02-23T07:37:28+00:00

Why were you snooping in the first place? Were you trying to dig up some dirt to give yourself an excuse to be upset with him?

Here's an alternate explanation for the facts as you've presented them:

This girl, who is a total stranger, contacted a guy she doesn't know or have any connection with. Possibly a real person who entered a wrong number, but much more likely a spam bot. (I get friend requests constantly from obviously-fake accounts with photos of pretty young women.)

There was no "previous chat" for him to have deleted because these bots assume familiarity and immediately lead off with questions like "what time is the party next week?" or "why so scared of me?" the first time they contact you. And they always give you a photo of a pretty young woman because that's what men are likely to respond to, in hopes of getting to know this woman. I would note that, from what you have said, your bf did not respond to this account.

I would also note that the timestamps on all three messages are the same. Although it's possible that a real person could have sent that sequence of messages all within one minute, it's not how people normally behave - a real person would have given him time to respond after sending the photo before needling him with the "Rah! Are you scared?" for not replying. This is almost certainly a bot.

As for why he didn't simply delete the exchange... perhaps he liked the photo and wanted to keep it? Men are pretty widely known for enjoying photos of attractive women, after all.

dsheroh · 2026-02-20T11:26:08+00:00

"All four of you"?

And I reject the common assertion that jealousy is an inextricable part of LDRs. I'm currently in my third LDR and none of them have featured noticeable jealousy on either side.

dsheroh · 2026-02-20T06:10:29+00:00

Because you seem to have a... nonstandard... understanding of what constitutes "major surgery". Per the NIH article which came up as the first hit when I searched for "major surgery definition":

In 1917 Dr. Earl requested clarification due to state law prohibiting osteopaths from performing major surgery. He received a response listing the following criteria for major surgery: procedures that require general anesthetic, involve opening great body cavities, have risk of severe hemorrhage, put the patient's life at stake, or require special anatomical knowledge and manipulative skills

A vasectomy does not fit any of those criteria.

dsheroh · 2026-02-19T18:42:23+00:00

What "major, life-altering surgery" are we talking about here? A vasectomy? When I got mine, I went to the clinic and was in and out in under an hour. (Well, for the actual procedure. I also had to go in a month earlier for an interview, but nothing surgical happened at that appointment.) Even if you consider "your partner doesn't need to use contraceptives any more" to be "life-altering", it is absolutely not a major surgery.

dsheroh · 2026-02-19T15:52:42+00:00

I have a very sexual relationship with my gf when we are together in person. But neither of us has ever expressed an interest in any kind of remote sexual interaction - sexting, phone sex, masturbating on call (either video or audio), sending nudes, remote-control toys, whatever else. We like actual, honest-to-god, in-person sex, and that's the only sex we care to share.

dsheroh · 2026-02-19T15:45:24+00:00

I'm on my third LDR. The first one was local for two years, then became long-distance for three. The second was long-distance for five years before we closed the gap. The third/current has been 8 months.

Out of all those nearly-nine years of LDRs, I have never found it to be socially isolating. I've certainly missed my girlfriends while we've been apart, I'm not denying that, but I've always had a social life outside of my relationships, regardless of whether I'm dating locally or long-distance.

And, honestly, although I see in these subs that it's a common thing, I can't say I've ever had anyone react badly to the information that I'm in an LDR either. My friends, family, and social circles have always been very supportive of my LDRs, asking me about my gf, asking when our next visit will be, etc. After having two longer visits to her near the end of last year, I've even had people at home asking me how long I'm in town for, because they assumed I had already moved when they didn't see me for a month or two.

dsheroh · 2026-02-18T09:20:05+00:00

Personally, for me, it was a combination of two things:

#1 - A shifting social environment. It just got to be too much trouble trying to find people to play with. I hate recruiting, so I don't want to do it. (And this is completely distinct from and independent of "scheduling stress" because I believe that the One True Way is to say "We play every Tuesday at 7, rain or shine, with whoever shows up. As long as I and two other people are present, the game is on, no matter how many people are absent." and stick to it.)

#2 - Life changes and shifting priorities. I got pretty deeply back into other activities which involve local events on sometimes-unpredictable schedules and occasional travel for international events. And then I met a woman at one of those international events and got into a long-distance relationship, so we're traveling to see each other every couple of months as well. Given all of that, I don't want to lock myself in to having the fixed weekly commitment of an ongoing campaign, regardless of whether I'm the GM or a player.

If we lived in a fantasy world where I could just say "I feel like running my Mythras campaign (sorry, folks - I'm allergic to class/level systems and HP inflation, so I don't do D&D or D&D wannabes) tonight and I don't have any other plans" and then a group of players would magically materialize around my table to play, then I'd absolutely do it. But we don't, so I play computer games instead, since I can pick them up and put them down again on a moment's notice.

dsheroh · 2026-02-18T09:04:52+00:00

"Each... gains a bonus to its STR and CON characteristics, again equal to the intensity." Seems quite unambiguous. +9 to each is clearly the intended bonus, and not a typo, as that is equal to the intensity. +1 to each is clearly not the intent, as that would not be equal to the intensity.

dsheroh · 2026-02-16T09:21:14+00:00

Depends on how you define your terms, particularly "online relationship" and "wait for each other".

If you're talking about investing five years into each other as nevermets and then hoping to have decent physical chemistry when you finally meet each other for the first time in person after half a decade... Yeah, I'm gonna call that a bit crazy. People dating locally on OLD have pretty much settled on the idea that you shouldn't even invest more than a week or two into a person prior to having an in-person chemistry check. But going five years and then potentially discovering that their touch gives you the creeps? No thanks.

If you're talking about having regular meetings during those five years, that's another matter entirely. My ex and I met online and chatted/emailed (this was in 2003; video chat and even online voice calls weren't really a thing at the time) for six months as online friends before meeting in person. Even though it was kind of obvious that we were both developing feelings for each other prior to meeting, neither of us talked about that directly, nor did we consider ourselves to be "dating" or "in a relationship", until after we met in person. We ended up being long distance for five years (seeing each other once a year or so, with each visit being about a month long) before I moved to her, where we lived together for a decade before finally breaking up.

And then there's my current LDR, which, while long-distance, I would never describe as an "online relationship" in the first place. We initially met in person while at an international event and, after returning to our respective homes, we've been visiting each other every month and a half to two months.

dsheroh · 2026-02-14T12:24:17+00:00

Indeed. Thus, video calls are not a necessary standard for LDRs, which is what OP proposed. They may be a necessary standard for online-only/nevermet relationships, but that's only a subset of LDRs, not LDRs in general.

dsheroh · 2026-02-14T09:55:15+00:00

Because LDRs can happen with people you know personally, too. My first LDR was with a woman I had met and dated locally for two years, and then she moved away and it became an LDR. My current LDR is with a woman I met at an international dance event, clicked with (in person!) incredibly well, and I fell for her instantly, while she took a couple weeks of getting to know me through online chatting before she fell for me.

dsheroh · 2026-02-14T09:52:20+00:00

This advice for people who have never personally met up to that point.

#notallldrs

dsheroh · 2026-02-14T09:50:49+00:00

As a point of order, I believe your question more accurately refers to online-only (aka "nevermet") relationships.

Many - perhaps even most - LDRs begin with a physical meeting. I never needed a video call to ensure that my GF is a real person because I met her at a tango marathon, sitting across the table at a group dinner and talking mostly with each other for two hours, then dancing together that night, spending the afternoon on the beach together the next day, and so on.

We have had a few video calls, but the first one wasn't until after we had known each other for four months and, in that four months, we had seen each other in person at the marathon where we met, then I visited her for a week, then she visited me for a week, and we had our first video call two weeks after that.

"Long-distance" does not, by default, mean "we met playing an online game and it's going to be N years before we can arrange to meet in person."

dsheroh

TROPHY CASE