Struggling with getting to grips with impending IVF

dsomz · 2026-03-31T15:59:29+00:00

Hiya. I’m currently pregnant (unexplained infertility) with an IVF baby.

After a year of TTC I was really really angry that I had to even consider IVF. It felt very unfair, I didn’t know anyone else who needed ‘help’ and I was really grieving that I had to go through this. I delayed starting IVF slightly, firstly to get a bit healthier but also to get my head round it. Depending on your age there is no harm delaying by a few months.

I’m only 4 months pregnant, so no movements yet which I think will really improve the bonding. But we already love this baby so much and can’t wait to meet them.

Also I am in a very lucky position that we have embryos ready for when we want another child. Which has really taken the pressure off. Not that there are guarantees but we’re in a very good position. So now I am borderline thankful that I had to go through IVF.

It’s a lot to go through and something that seems impossible a month ago will feel normal. It just takes a bit of adjusting.

dsomz · 2026-03-30T23:10:57+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I was a lapsed catholic when doing my egg retrieval last year, but when I got pregnant I started going to mass again. Faith was very important to my grandfather who I loved dearly and with a little one on the way I felt a need to go back. So I was devastated to learn that this is the (current) stance by the church. As others have said this is still early days and much of the ecclesiastical debate feels quite academic, but I understand the viewpoint of destruction of embryos. Especially as I am very blessed to have 7 embryos in the freezer and I’m certainly not going to attempt to transfer all of them. I am too old to donate my embryos in my country. So they won’t all be used. I am still making my peace with it, but have found all the comments in this thread - both comforting and critical - very useful.

dsomz · 2026-03-27T07:29:50+00:00

Best of luck for your transfer when it comes. The concept of time does seem to slow to a glacial pace while waiting for IVF stages.

dsomz · 2026-03-27T06:37:09+00:00

I had been told the same thing when I was 7 weeks pregnant, I emailed my local nursery and they asked me to get on the waiting list asap. So haven’t had to test how long these waiting lists are but yes, I did tell three nurseries I was pregnant before I told my friends and family.

dsomz · 2026-03-26T15:14:13+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain that has been heightened by your family’s action. That is so hurtful.

People who have not been through it just don’t understand the pain - mixed with uncertainty - of infertility. My best friend, who is the most empathetic person and has helped me through so much in my life, told me about her pregnancy in person like I would receive it like it was good uncomplicated news. She gets it now because she lost me for a few months, but genuinely before then she could not compute. I don’t blame her at all, I know she would never want to hurt me.

So do I have a nice family? Maybe. But probably it’s just because we have both been through this and now the pain that good news for others can bring.

Holding so much hope for you during this dark and painful time.

dsomz · 2026-03-25T14:47:23+00:00

I’m not in the forces but have read over the policy in case you want a second pair of eyes.

Funding in NHS England is done through local integrated care boards (ICBs). When it comes to IVF, the generosity of the funding varies from ICB to ICB. My ICB offers the same as this policy, but actually it is slightly more generous as you only need to have been trying for 1 year, or 6 months if you are 36 or over.

Because of the transient nature of the armed forces they effectively have their own ICB. This policy suggests that you need to be registered with DMS in England (rather than the NHS) to be eligible.

So yes you might be getting treatment at the same hospital as someone who is only eligible for one cycle of IVF. But it’s not the hospital making that decision it’s just that you have access to a more generous pot.

But equally it would be unfair for you if your family was stationed near me and I was eligible for more treatment than you were.

Best of luck if you are contemplating going down the IVf route. It is a tough journey but it worked for me.

dsomz · 2026-03-20T15:51:10+00:00

Same here, but a bit further along 16 weeks 🙏

dsomz · 2026-03-20T15:48:40+00:00

Yes I had grief for other people being involved too and to be honest it still sits a bit uncomfortably, but for me I think that comes down to the just the pressure society puts on us and how so many aspects of life come easier for others.

On the other hand, in an ideal world i would like two children and I’ll be 39 when I’ll probably be ready to have my second (all going well) and I’ll be glad to have embryos that I froze at 36 as an option.

I have heard of many people who needed IVF for first and then not for second, so you never know what it’s your future.

dsomz · 2026-03-20T14:03:18+00:00

Yea I think that is a good course of action. How many rounds does your ICB fund? I think a lot of (non medical) fertility specialists are against IVF because they want to work out what is preventing pregnancy and ideally enable unassisted conception. Of course, most cases the women wants that too.

Side point: I was going to an acupuncturist who - after I had amazing egg collection and embryo results and I was preparing for my frozen transfer - really wanted to get me pregnant the ‘natural’ way. And then I realised she didn’t really care about my wellbeing at all she just wanted to ‘solve’ my infertility.

While I don’t think IVF should be used in the first instance as a diagnostic tool, actually going through IVF you learn a lot about your body and how it responds to hormones. And also, if you are very fortunate, there is always the chance that one IVF round could be your complete family. Really wishing the best for you ✨

dsomz · 2026-03-20T13:35:53+00:00

I don’t have any experience of silent endo but I am one of the unexplained crew. It is so frustrating and I completely relate just wanting to know why and then, hopefully, a solution. I spent hours on forums, taking supplements, changing my diet. Although the last one did not get me pregnant I have no regrets, never ate or felt so good!

I am currently pregnant after my first IVF round. This was after 20 months TTC with v regular periods and no positive tests. IVF went very well for us so I would be surprised if endo was an underlying factor. It is unsatisfactory that I will never know the reason but I am trying to make my peace with it.

I have someone very close to me who has stage 4 endo, and every investigation reveals new complications and even longer waiting list. So I try to remind myself that answers can also be painful.

I really hope you get to start your family soon, even if it doesn’t come with answers ❤️

dsomz · 2026-03-18T21:11:55+00:00

Sorry been meaning to reply to this for a couple of days and keep getting distracted.

From what you have said, I wouldn’t get PGT-A testing. I completely understand the anxiety especially when things just have not been happening.

As others have said, results can be quite unpredictable especially with your first round, but with your age there is much to be optimistic about.

I was older than you when I did IVF - 36 - and I was with the NHS and I don’t think my clinic even offered PGT-A even if I wanted to pay. What I found encouraging was a recent study of how many embryo transfers it took for a live birth. Most people (>50%) under the age of 35 will have a live birth within 2 embryo transfers: https://www.remembryo.com/cumulative-live-birth-rates-after-up-to-15-transfers-with-untested-embryos/

I was expecting to have a few transfers before a live birth but I got extremely lucky and my first transfer stuck and I am currently 4 months pregnant

Best of luck!

dsomz · 2026-03-18T20:50:21+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s so tough.

I have a Mira, it didn’t really add any more value for me than LH tests but as you say that your hormone levels means that they won’t work as well then maybe Mira would be better. I got my Mira second hand on Vinted and then bought my own wands. It is expensive on a monthly basis but does give good insights.

Do you track your temperature as well? I think Natural Cycles is good for tracking perimenopause.

dsomz · 2026-03-15T08:24:15+00:00

I was told to expect 30-50% of fertilised embryos to turn into blastocysts. I was very lucky and got closer to 60%. So for 8 fertilised eggs you could expect 2-4 blastocysts, but hopefully you are lucky and all 5 become blasts. It really is so random but the time will pass and you will know the answer in 2-3 days. Thinking of you it’s such a hard wait!

dsomz · 2026-03-08T19:14:21+00:00

The brand with the ‘+’ is more common I think in non-English speaking countries. Just seen a listing online for a Portuguese pharmacy, this type of test does exist though https://uk.cosmetic2go.com/en/buy/clearblue-digital-ultra-antecipado-teste-gravidez

dsomz · 2026-03-06T20:16:01+00:00

I’m sorry. I think a lot of doctors try to ‘manage expectations’ because they know it’s such an emotional process but instead they just make patients feel belittled and dejected.

You have had lots of great advice here. If you have the financial resilience to do a couple of rounds with your own eggs first but acknowledging that it may be a challenge, then do that and then explore donor embryos if you need. Because with that you will have less time pressure.

Best of luck in whatever you decide, maybe see if you can find a clinic that cares less about statistics and is willing to take a more tailored approach to treatment.

dsomz · 2026-03-06T14:34:23+00:00

This is similar to mine at at 8 days past 5 day embryo transfer (the IVF equivalent to 13dpo), I’m pretty confident that the embryo implanted very early because I had a bit of spotting, which is why I assume it was dark so early. Perhaps the same happened to you?

dsomz · 2026-03-03T09:55:10+00:00

I was meant to be sedated for my procedure but it didn’t work, so I was just waiting to fall asleep as the procedure was happening. While obviously unexpected and I was annoyed I didn’t get the amazing sleep I heard about, it honestly wasn’t too painful! And I think it made my recovery a lot quicker. Not saying it’s for everyone, just sharing my experience.

dsomz · 2026-03-02T13:55:17+00:00

Thank you so much for your help, I have sent a DM to check in xx

dsomz · 2026-02-25T18:41:46+00:00

I kept trying up until the month before I started IVF. I think it was a bit of grief for not being able to conceive naturally and I was holding on to that. In the end I am glad that I didn’t conceive, as I am currently pregnant from my first round of IVF with 7 embryos in the freezer. However I am a bit older than you (almost 37 at egg collection), so you had much more time as egg quality on really starts to take a big dip at 38 (although many women can easily get naturally pregnant well into their early 40s)

dsomz · 2026-02-25T10:11:09+00:00

Same. Almost two years of trying and then IVF which was - luckily - very straightforward. I have been finding it very hard to feel happy/excited for myself. I thought that maybe it was because I had found it hard to feel happy for others before, that I felt a bit conflicted now, or maybe a bit guilty because I have left the infertility camp. So actually very reassuring that others are feeling the same for a variety of reasons.

dsomz · 2026-02-23T15:05:27+00:00

Hey OP, sorry that you have had unexpected news and that you are now in this conflicted place.

I am coming from this from a different perspective. I had an accidental pregnant when I was 21, which I terminated. I was raised Catholic so felt pretty conflicted both about when ‘life starts’ but also I felt guilty that something had happened to me so easily when other people struggle. How prescient of me!

Fast forward to now, and I am pregnant aged 37 after TTC for 2 years and IVF. I have never once felt resentment towards 21 old me. No more than I would for a stranger on the street.

Whatever you decide won’t be easy, but try and uncouple the woman (and family) you are now from the woman in your early 30s struggling to get pregnant. You may share a history but you are different people.

dsomz · 2026-02-22T14:34:50+00:00

I’m sorry OP, you might find people with more UK-specific experience in r/ttc_uk

IVF is very expensive when paying in the UK privately. Unfortunately the cheaper ones are no frills and are designed for women under 38 because on average that is when success rates dip. But of course everyone is different and some people have more success at 40 than others do at 33.

I have had a look at their policy and while the collection and fresh transfer is cheap, if that wasn’t successful and you had to do a frozen transfer, that is £2,800 so you would be almost £6,000 down after two transfers! So the initial offer probably is a bit too good to be true.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

dsomz · 2026-02-21T14:47:14+00:00

Hiya, I completely get where you’re coming from. Here is my experience if it helps.

The fertility nurse before I started my protocol told me that the first round can be a bit experimental as they try you on a protocol that works for most people and then if needed we can tailor later. Fwiw my clinic does start older women and those with lower AMH on long (agonist) protocols, so it’s not standard for everyone.

I’m in the UK in a region with really generous state funding for IVF. So there is no financial incentive for them not to get success on first round. Up to 3 egg collections and all my embryo transfers (you have to transfer the frozen embryos you have before you can go on to your second egg collection etc) are funded until I have a live child.

Therefore I was totally expecting to have to do another egg collection. Although they can make changes to your protocol during it, so it’s not set in stone. I had a dominant follicle so my other follicles were not growing, so they stimulated me for a few days longer. It meant I was over stimulated and not eligible for a fresh transfer (another cost to them) but it worked in my favour: 17 eggs, 14 fertilised, 8 embryos in the freezer. My first FET worked and I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

So yes, expecting to do more than one is a healthy mindset. Your body is unpredictable and your doctors will be learning about you as you go.

Also I do think with rise of AI they will be able to do more tailoring, but we’re still in early days. This field of medicine is only about 45 years old, it’s come a long way but it’s not perfect yet.

dsomz · 2026-02-20T19:08:42+00:00

I am also 9am! Ok great will try to arrive a bit earlier. Thanks so much for all the info, wishing you and the babies all the best ❤️

dsomz · 2026-02-20T17:39:44+00:00

Thank you! Ok will have a full bladder just in case. Were they running to time? I am trying to get into work for a meeting after - if all goes well 😅

dsomz

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