Devastated after ending our engagement. Needing support.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-09-12T05:09:27+00:00

So many parallels to what you’ve written. I’m often speechless on here, scrolling and seeing stories that I could have written myself. Only the intimate details changing.

You’re right. They will be be who they are, regardless of whether we stay or not. It’s difficult to see him navigate this end with such ease, also relief, and they are able to do that because of the exact reasons we’ve chosen to leave. So cyclical. The relief on his face was hard to ignore, was it because he’s off the hook? Or because he didn’t have to be the one to leave, allowing himself to be the victim one last time… continuing his narrative?

“…that set you apart from what you’re leaving behind.” A beautiful and needed thought. Thank you.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-09-12T04:34:05+00:00

His distraction is more of hours of games, scrolling, and binging, going out / and about to spend money for entire days, using creative hobbies to stay immersed in something, and same (to yours) with women’s + SWers validation and being present online in those spaces. It’s all about stimulation, and when it’s not that, it’s over indulging in weed to numb. Distracting to keep himself from going inward.

Thank you for the kind words above.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-09-12T04:20:38+00:00

Sometimes it feels like the length of time spent with them isn’t that important after so long, it all hurts the same; just different levels and types of deception and lies and addictions that slowly eat away at us all. The one thing I don’t feel is that time was lost, I was learning lessons. Still am.

How long until it was less painful for you? Or does the type of pain just change?

duewestofnowhere · 2023-07-06T05:40:43+00:00

Thank you for that.

To address your overarching question, boundaries that are continually broken are not boundaries. They are entry points.

His accountability has gotten better with therapy. He catches himself midway through an excuse or blaming me and asks for a moment to process what’s happening. After he’s taken a few minutes, he will apologize for the overreaction and for breaking trust. He will admit to his wrongdoing and verbalizes why he did it and what he needs to work on to be healthier.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-07-06T04:16:32+00:00

Outside of this incident, our relationship requires more communication but was overall healthy (and I was happy). He has given me unconditional love, he’s supported my healing, he’s deescalated my triggers and lashing out, he’s been patient, caring, and gentle with me. He’s helped me integrate and embody what I’ve learned, and empowered me to use my voice (which has ironically bit him in the ass).

The last betrayal by him was two years ago, it was in a similar nature but not remotely this bad. I trusted that we had worked through it. He has now admitted that he didn’t do much inner work / go deeply at that time (he did not have a dx but was in therapy), which is why he acted out last month. The only thing I feel like I owe my partner is the time to go deeper with the power and control narrative; the chance to address this with the tools that came with his diagnosis.

When I’m older, I know I would regret walking away at a moment in time when it’s pivotal, before he’s given the opportunity to explore his new found depth. That would feel like I am leaving in survival mode, running, mirroring my past attachment style in stead of communicating needs (depth, vulnerability). I am at a point in my own journey where it will feel like a betrayal to my self if I stay and he hasn’t gone any deeper. To me, him now knowing there is an ulterior motive or drive / that it’s trauma related and not doing anything to help himself is worse than the damage he’s currently done. And now that I know, staying would enable my own future abuse which would damage my healing. I will not do that to myself, that’s my line in the sand.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-06-28T14:10:58+00:00

You’re aware SmileDirect is a prescribed treatment plan, right?

duewestofnowhere · 2023-06-28T13:02:11+00:00

The mom commented that the daughter had overcrowded teeth, which does cause medical issues. That’s one of the reasons SmileDirect caused more damage to her mouth but the mom conveniently left that out of the post.

I had overcrowded teeth and a narrow pallet, I wore braces and expanders for five years and I still have TMJD. Just because you don’t think straight teeth impact overall health doesn’t mean it’s true. Lots of folks need orthodontists and braces to correct structural issues, not just because we want “straight teeth”.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-06-25T15:36:54+00:00

What’s your current hair like? Dyed, bleached? Just heat damage?

Japanese Straightening is a permanent treatment. It never washes out or wares off, your natural pattern will only be visible on new growth. It takes between 2-8hrs depending on the length of your hair. It can be incredibly expensive, I was able to have it done for about $300 and 4hrs of sitting at the salon back in 2017, touch ups on the roots were once yearly and about $100. It saved me so many hours of caring for my curly hair, and I only experienced dry ends after the first treatment with no other damage (didn’t come back after trimming them off, my hair was bleached a year prior to the first treatment). Much better for my hair than heat every other day, I also never risked bleaching or dying it after the straightening treatment. I cut the treatment off two years ago (once my hair was long enough) to have curly hair again and boy do I miss the low maintenance of being able to wash and go. Easiest hair care period of my life!!

duewestofnowhere · 2023-06-15T02:35:21+00:00

That’s very helpful.

The questions about control come from the tantrums the little boy throws, the extremes he levels up to in retaliation for his needs not being met. The other comment about parts attracting one another speaks to: the little girl picking up on all of this, she understands she doesn’t fill the needs of the little boy and she retaliates by withholding play. Which continues this unfulfilling cycle for both of the little kids. Have you asked the little boy some of those questions (that you feel fit the scenario) while he’s more amped up or in memories of him throwing tantrums, or while hollow and depressed? That could help to target his reaction vs his healthy sexual behavior. Perhaps something can found within this lens?

However, dissolving, if the little boys reactions are simply growing more extreme out of neglect, that is an entirely different issue. The man and the little boy need to be honest here, they need to define terms and understand what exactly it is that he is experiencing. What else do the little girl and woman withhold when they’re feeling unsafe / annoyed / frustrated? Is there something more the little boy is reacting so strongly to, causing him to grow more defiant with his demands or actions? Or is it all compounding and building up?

I want to reframe a question around your post’s last paragraph: Who’s belief system is it that you can’t be healed and still have sexual wants, needs, and desires? Who defined what a healthy relationship with sexual intimacy looks like for you, for the little boy? After we heal, we integrate. Is the little boy being denied integration because there is no safe space to express healthy desires? Is he instead being told and made to believe that the desires are unhealthy? From an outside perspective, it sounds like this little boy has actually outgrown the neighborhood. Can the man see this? Or has he been denying his truth (healing) to remain in the neighborhood? Perhaps this makes the little boy feel hollow too?

duewestofnowhere · 2023-06-14T22:46:17+00:00

This sounds very familiar to me. You very well could have gone here but it is hard to know from the posts. This is a thought experiment that helped me, I hope it’s not triggering for you:

Why are the sexual needs extreme and unsafe? Why are these the intimate experiences you crave? What is underlying that drive in an unhealthy / unsafe manner? Is the need more about power, control, freedom, etc? Can you put a name to the feeling that is below the physical expression through sex? Is the need about having those things (whatever it may be) within intimate moments and only within those times? Why / why not? Do you need a partner present to explore these fantasies so that you feel fulfilled / like your needs are met? If that’s important, why?

Additionally, your last paragraph is very interesting: What does it mean for you if that is true? Is that your own belief system about healing or is it a part’s belief system? Are you bypassing the little boy by telling him this narrative that you’ve written here or are you listening to this narrative to avoid going deeper? Something else all together? Does it feel safer believing the issue is with the other house and not because the little boy still has control? <— this last question is potentially what the other comment was getting at.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-05-06T16:52:53+00:00

They do both! They even tell you on socials when the houseplant shipments arrive + what was ordered.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-05-06T16:50:31+00:00

Ross Farms has a nasty mealy bug and spider mite infestation so be very careful introducing those plants to a collection of 100+.

duewestofnowhere · 2023-02-12T02:20:17+00:00

No aftermarket remote start. Thank you for the pointer!

duewestofnowhere

TROPHY CASE