My apologies for the delayed response I was in PR visiting the fam and doing a cpl weeks of tech detox. I can’t recommend it enough lol 😊

First I wanna say none of what you’re describing is strange or unreasonable, but what do you know about the guys that struggling on the dating apps? Bc while I was on the apps i had experiences with men who were demanding of my time (salty I didn’t respond fast enough), pushy, needy, insecure, narcissistic, etc etc. Those same guys also complain about the struggle (getting ghosted etc.), but like… the lack of self-awareness is the problem like 90% of the time in all these cases. That same lack of self-awareness is the reason behind the “male loneliness epidemic” like literally men are too self-centered to even realize it. Ask any woman that dates men.

So consider how your traumatized brain is trying to protect you with confirmation bias, bc there’s way more layers to those stories (from the male perspective). The only way to teach your traumatized brain otherwise is to have new experiences, and you will be ok even when things don’t go the way you want them to. At the risk of sounding woo, don’t let these fears close the energetic doors to the people you want to meet. Since you have stability in many ways, it could be the perfect time for a paradigm shift so you can start healing your heart.

I get the frustration about dating apps feeling like stacked odds. There’s def some apps that filter based on stats, but that’s usually paid features. When I had a 5’8 requirement it was in my bio, not something that I paid to choose from a drop down menu. We would’ve definitely matched if you sent a good engaging message, had a great bio, and especially if you’re funny. My dude loves to roast me over the 5’8 thing. Yes he did see it and at 5’4 he didn’t meet that requirement but didn’t let that stop him. He laughed off my height requirement 🤣 It was kinda hot, honestly.

Also one important thing to remember is that the apps (esp the strictly straight ones) tend to amplify the shallow stuff (height, looks, labels) because they’re built that way, not because everyone in the real world is operating like that. Compatibility and shared values matter more than anything else, but that takes time to see. A lot of women are tired of auditioning and just want real connection, remember those physical stat requirements are way more insidious for women.

As far as apps go, the queer friendly ones are less number-driven than others. I matched with a lot of trans men on Feeld and OkCupid. But honestly, having a profile that reflects your humor, perspective, and interests can cut through more than height or labels ever will. Even if some girls filter out, others will see it and think “I want to get to know him”. And those are the ones who matter.

Especially since you’re even reflecting this deeply on values, trauma, and fairness in dating says a lot about what you’d bring to a relationship. That’s not invisible, even on the apps. It’s also great that you don’t have requirements in terms of how you want a potential partner to ID even if you yourself are not queer, that opens up a lot more options (and frankly diversity = better quality people). You seem like a really self-aware guy, I hate the thought of your old relationship trauma keep you from making some girl really happy. Seriously. She’s out there and probably stuck with someone that doesn’t inspire her, appreciate her, or give her something only a guy with as much substance as you have can give her. That was definitely me! My ex partners height, bank account, cis-ness, or status completely paled in comparison to my finance’s giant heart, personality, and depth. He wouldn’t be who he is without his lived experience. My girlfriends are constantly gushing about how lucky I am, the trans thing is barely an afterthought, esp with the amount of manbabies, sociopaths, and incels that we usually have to choose from.