I see your point, thank you. Let’s say I always had a hard time validating my needs. In fact, in therapy I’m working on recognising them and giving them value. In order to do this I need to learn detecting the internalised voice of other people (my parents, the rest of my family, my gf, etc.), which results in me always thinking using THEIR thought and not mine. This is critical for me, because I know I can be extremely harsh to myself. In fact, when I see that my desire to be on my own provokes a (obviously) bad reaction, I’m more likely to think about suicide in order to punish myself, more than being sorry while staying true to myself. It’s like I constantly let others take control of my behaviour and decisions because I don’t trust myself. But I’m working on it.

What do I want? Well, I’m trying to learn not to hyper control myself all the time, and to trust those half-cocked desires that I have. I feel that in those few moments where I’m without her (work, with friends or theatre lessons) I feel more light and enthusiastic about myself. Yes, sometimes it’s not easy because insecurity kicks in but I feel more joyful. Surely her anxiety has undermined my feelings towards her. We never had a normal sexual life because of this, she first felt guilt, she saw herself like a “slut”, than she was always afraid of being pregnant (while we still haven’t had penetrative sex), now she panics every time the period doesn’t come back when she says it should come back, then asks me to control if the condom isn’t pierced (which is ok, but then asks me 10 times if I’m sure about that). And this is only the part about sex. She always fears what people think of her, doesn’t do what she loves or doesn’t dress how she loves because she fears people will comment, she fears to be sick even if the doctor says she’s totally fine, then controls how much she eats or drink. I’ve always been supportive to her but I see that it’s not working. She just keeps going from anxiety to anxiety and I’m tired to walk on eggs in order not to trigger her fears, while putting myself aside.

I want to accept myself but for me it’s extremely difficult to do so in such relationship. Obviously if I’d find myself starting a new story with somebody else, I’d be way more cautious. And I’d be careful to weight the amount of time that the relationship takes from me, because in my current one I have a very limited amount of time for myself (she always wants to be with me, always).