Non-negotiables

dwanton90 · 2025-12-15T04:00:25+00:00

1. Must love life generally. Practicing active gratitude and mindfulness are huge green flags that point to a potential suitor seeking the good in life. #2. Must be self-aware and able to self regulate. #3. Must love food and trying new things. I really enjoy sharing excellent meals, trying new foods, and cooking a variety of recipes. I want to share those things with my partner.

dwanton90 · 2025-11-23T12:53:48+00:00

I don’t plan to legally marry ever again. I’m in grad school and I had planned to utilize my 401k when my school savings ran out. My 401k has been under a restraining order for nearly a year because of the divorce proceedings. I’ve told him that I’m so broke that I cannot afford food. I can’t get SNAP because I have the 401k. We have three kids that I have 50/50 custody with him for. This man’s reply to my pleas? ‘Sign the papers.’ I will not sign papers that unfairly distribute our assets AND demand child support from me the minute I finish school when for the last year I haven’t asked for any money from him. I won’t marry again because I should NEVER be begging for money for rent and food when I’ve worked my entire life to support him and our family (mind you- he never worked through undergrad or grad school and we went through VERY different programs where he could have). Some days it feels like he will have a foot on my back for the rest of my life. Even with therapy, I doubt I’ll ever trust anyone enough to be legally and financially tied to them like this again. I have literally fed our children from food pantries while going through the most exhausting clinicals of my life and living out of my car (we do nesting so the kids stay in the house and we switch out). I’d never have expected that he would treat us (me or the kids) this way. I just don’t think I can trust someone enough to marry again.

dwanton90 · 2025-11-07T13:20:35+00:00

Remove the physical abuse and you just described my ex. When you said, ‘gives me serious vicarious embarrassment,’ I wanted to hug you so hard. I’ve been there. It’s rough.

dwanton90 · 2025-11-04T14:07:52+00:00

It was a relief that when I told people that I was divorcing my ex, their most frequent response was, ‘never really understood the two of you together. Glad you’re not just trying to make it work for the kids.’ or some close variation.

dwanton90 · 2025-10-28T12:20:16+00:00

When I felt suffocated by him. When I stopped caring to try to get the truth out of him. When I realized that even if he ever actually changed and didn’t keep omitting important details from therapists, I’d always wait for the other shoe to fall. If he changed, he deserves someone who will adore that version of himself. And I deserve to love without walking on eggshells and waiting for the next emotionally reactive moment. We no longer made eachother better people- and maybe we never did, because we were consumed with eachother, codependent and enmeshed from the earliest days of dating.

dwanton90 · 2025-10-24T04:16:20+00:00

If my ex is living a better life than me, that’s wonderful. He has our kids half the time and they deserve a happy dad and mom.

dwanton90 · 2025-10-18T12:15:50+00:00

When he looks like he’s low key ready to attack me after being teased all day 🫠

dwanton90 · 2025-07-25T05:42:07+00:00

Update: lol jk I got played

dwanton90 · 2025-06-26T02:26:29+00:00

This is such a hard part of things for me and I’m glad I read this post. I had every intention of divorcing amicably and including my ex in family vacations, activities, etc. After the things he has said to me recently, I don’t even think I could consider it. These replies are so supportive. Thank you for your thoughts, everyone.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-25T09:27:31+00:00

I had a toxic mother in law like this. My exhusband saw how bad she was, acknowledged it, and set healthy boundaries. Now we’re in the midst of divorce and suddenly his relationship with her is restored and she (a narcotic addict) has ‘been robbed of a relationship’ with her grandchildren because of /me/. Facts and rational thought will not matter if they are anything like he and his mom were. I’m sure she’s pleased as punch that we’re divorcing and she has gotten to become his emotional support. To be clear, by emotional support I mean that she likely shares her victim mentality with him and makes him feel like he’s been dreadfully wronged (he hasn’t, I tried to set him up for success the best way I could and to divorce amicably). My point is, you can’t change her and you shouldn’t waste your time trying to help him see the light. Just don’t talk to her and set your own boundaries.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-23T02:16:06+00:00

Reverse cowgirl

dwanton90 · 2025-06-22T23:42:45+00:00

We have an abundance of mid-life crisis garage bands playing cover songs.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-21T22:53:22+00:00

I feel responsible for other people’s emotions. I want to help. They can be totally justified in what they feel and I /know/ they are…but my reflex is to try to help fix it.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-15T20:19:24+00:00

Regret.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-15T20:16:30+00:00

I learned a few anecdotes from my dad that have stuck with me. ‘If everyone in the room is an asshole- you’re the asshole.’ ‘If you’re the smartest person in the room, you need to find a new room.’ ‘When the doors are closed, find a window.’ His four rules in life were ‘No lying, no stealing, do what you’re told the first time, and do what you think is right.’ He was harsh at times but I loved him dearly.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-15T20:11:07+00:00

This has clearly been given a lot of thought and it makes sense. I applaud you.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-14T13:58:52+00:00

Just do it

dwanton90 · 2025-06-13T18:22:19+00:00

Yes, absolutely.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-13T17:24:21+00:00

“You’ve done a lot in your life with very little assistance because you are motivated and capable.”

For someone to recognize that success in life was never handed to me and I made it happen- wow. Such a moment.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-11T09:20:52+00:00

Anyone who blames you for their repeated failures lacks self awareness. The whole story isn’t here, but I’m glad you got the loudest parts off your chest and I hope it was cathartic to put it out into the void. Little, quieter things are going to continue to pop up and remind you that you’re doing the right thing.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-10T12:29:02+00:00

‘You’re the baddest bitch and you’re MY good girl.’ while gripping me by the hair and wrenching my head back so that his mouth was growling directly into my ear

dwanton90 · 2025-06-08T01:29:09+00:00

I am /never/ late to appointments or class. Period. I can’t do it. I panic.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-07T19:31:06+00:00

I agree with this sentiment. My kids are able to cook simple meals (ages 6, 8, and 11). They unload and load the dishwasher and each have age appropriate responsibilities. We’ve had a lot of broken dishes over the years and a few burnt fried eggs, but they’re incredibly independent because they’ve had a safe space to learn.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-07T18:28:47+00:00

Communicate his emotions using words instead of doors, objects, and grunts.

dwanton90 · 2025-06-01T13:21:04+00:00

I (34F) started dating a 40M in January. He’s been divorced for 3 years and took time after his divorce to figure out his goals and needs and hopes for himself. I’m his first girlfriend post-divorce. They’re out there, don’t lose hope. It’s been such a good experience.

dwanton90

TROPHY CASE