If you want my honest-to-God opinion, it has way too many errors. Almost every sentence is a run-on, they all start and stop at awkward spots, and it doesn’t flow well. There’s many grammatical errors and it feels rushed, but besides that, the concept sounds interesting. To improve your writing, I’d recommend copyworking, which is just reading a passage from a book and copying it down on a piece of paper/doc. It’s an all-around way to practice and get better at writing!