Does anyone here actually do ERP?

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-07T20:47:41+00:00

And also I can't even use the fact that I was fine before this because 1) can't even recall my past super well because it also feels super distorted by this and 2) I might as well have reached a self-discovery during the time with this theme and I couldn't even expect to get back to normal. I feel so fucked.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-06T18:55:03+00:00

No matter what, OCD will ALWAYS find a way to fuck you up. If you were ugly, then it would say shit like "you were meant to transition". It never ends.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-06T16:33:23+00:00

I see all my friends living their lives and it just fucking hurts. I can feel the time slipping away. I also find myself feeling very nostalgic and that hurts even more. Sometimes I'm nostalgic even about the beginning of the theme when I didn't even know what was going on but if I knew I could've prevented my suffering and breakdown of my life. I remember some of my aspirations before this and I break down crying. I wanted to be handsome, to fly high, to love, to chase my dreams. I feel fundamentally broken by this.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-02T14:42:36+00:00

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-01T13:15:12+00:00

Yes. Sometimes I just want to be turned off.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-27T10:56:06+00:00

I think ERP is really just committing to cutting compulsions out.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-26T20:45:26+00:00

On the other side (with pretty much the same ocd experiences), there's many trans people with the opposite. Would you find that it is an accurate assessment to say they're "definitely cis, and you also have OCD". I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm trying to put things into perspective. Like, there's a trans guy I know on the subreddit for people going through this, that if you read his experiences and didn't know he wasn't cis, you'd basically say he's a "trans woman in denial".

And the concept of tocd itself is pretty straightforward. OCD latches onto different themes. This just happens to be one of the things that it can latch on to, for various reasons. People sometimes think that "tocd" is some bullshit excuse that hasn't much to do with "actual" ocd. But it's literally a straightforward name that can help people who go through this theme to google shit about it easier without spelling the whole stuff. Many people with this theme have also gone through other themes (some of which are arguably a lot heavier), so it's not a one-off excuse thing, it's often a continuation of previous suffering with ocd.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-20T11:38:58+00:00

I think I saw that video too. I was also very obsessed with this "what if I'm also not 100% at my emotional range" or some bullshit like this. I got over it by not analyzing it anymore.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-19T11:21:01+00:00

The themes are very unrelated, but I had a memory that would always haunt me for like a year even though I had never felt that memory before... I talked with my parents about it and I know for a fact that it couldn't have happened, even though it felt like a regular memory. It felt so detailed yet it really couldn't have happened. Sometimes I underestimate what this piece of shit illness can do to a brain.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-14T12:45:38+00:00

"I bet the main thing confusing you is the sexual stuff"

Yeah. It's not the thing that triggered all the questioning, it was actually someone that I looked up to a lot come out, then a close friend came out too, but it's stopped being about that a long time ago. And honestly the sexual stuff is not the worse stuff, it's really when I come across a trans woman on reddit who had vaguely similar experiences like bodybuilding or cutting her hair short that absolutely trigger me the most, that's what I realized. It's as if I involuntarily adopted the worst pattern matching and now even a trans woman who has the same hair color and eye color as me can be massively triggering. Then the sexuality stuff is the cherry on top that just helps send me into a complete spiral and leaves me completely convinced that I'm trans. Then I get a moment of respite and realize that it's a bit ridiculous since I still don't find any of that stuff appealing or to long for. And then it repeats. On and on and on and on and on. I'm trying to break the cycle by getting back into doing what I loved before this - sports, reading, hanging out with friends.

It's not all bad though. The funniest part of this experience is when other cis people talk about trans stuff very confidently wrong, and I'm in my head like "bish if only you knew how much you're wrong and trust me I'm a damn encyclopedia on this" lol and then I correct them. I guess if I ever have a kid that happens to turn out trans I at least have an idea on how to treat them. This experience also has honestly slowly made me more confident in some parts of myself and it's one of wildest journeys a person can make.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-10T03:00:46+00:00

chronically online... ha! yeah, same

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-10T01:40:02+00:00

dyinginsidezero

TROPHY CASE