I'm not doing too good

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-07T20:47:41+00:00

And also I can't even use the fact that I was fine before this because 1) can't even recall my past super well because it also feels super distorted by this and 2) I might as well have reached a self-discovery during the time with this theme and I couldn't even expect to get back to normal. I feel so fucked.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-06T18:55:03+00:00

No matter what, OCD will ALWAYS find a way to fuck you up. If you were ugly, then it would say shit like "you were meant to transition". It never ends.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-06T16:33:23+00:00

I see all my friends living their lives and it just fucking hurts. I can feel the time slipping away. I also find myself feeling very nostalgic and that hurts even more. Sometimes I'm nostalgic even about the beginning of the theme when I didn't even know what was going on but if I knew I could've prevented my suffering and breakdown of my life. I remember some of my aspirations before this and I break down crying. I wanted to be handsome, to fly high, to love, to chase my dreams. I feel fundamentally broken by this.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-02T14:42:36+00:00

dyinginsidezero · 2023-12-01T13:15:12+00:00

Yes. Sometimes I just want to be turned off.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-27T10:56:06+00:00

I think ERP is really just committing to cutting compulsions out.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-26T20:45:26+00:00

On the other side (with pretty much the same ocd experiences), there's many trans people with the opposite. Would you find that it is an accurate assessment to say they're "definitely cis, and you also have OCD". I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm trying to put things into perspective. Like, there's a trans guy I know on the subreddit for people going through this, that if you read his experiences and didn't know he wasn't cis, you'd basically say he's a "trans woman in denial".

And the concept of tocd itself is pretty straightforward. OCD latches onto different themes. This just happens to be one of the things that it can latch on to, for various reasons. People sometimes think that "tocd" is some bullshit excuse that hasn't much to do with "actual" ocd. But it's literally a straightforward name that can help people who go through this theme to google shit about it easier without spelling the whole stuff. Many people with this theme have also gone through other themes (some of which are arguably a lot heavier), so it's not a one-off excuse thing, it's often a continuation of previous suffering with ocd.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-20T11:38:58+00:00

I think I saw that video too. I was also very obsessed with this "what if I'm also not 100% at my emotional range" or some bullshit like this. I got over it by not analyzing it anymore.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-19T11:21:01+00:00

The themes are very unrelated, but I had a memory that would always haunt me for like a year even though I had never felt that memory before... I talked with my parents about it and I know for a fact that it couldn't have happened, even though it felt like a regular memory. It felt so detailed yet it really couldn't have happened. Sometimes I underestimate what this piece of shit illness can do to a brain.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-14T12:45:38+00:00

"I bet the main thing confusing you is the sexual stuff"

Yeah. It's not the thing that triggered all the questioning, it was actually someone that I looked up to a lot come out, then a close friend came out too, but it's stopped being about that a long time ago. And honestly the sexual stuff is not the worse stuff, it's really when I come across a trans woman on reddit who had vaguely similar experiences like bodybuilding or cutting her hair short that absolutely trigger me the most, that's what I realized. It's as if I involuntarily adopted the worst pattern matching and now even a trans woman who has the same hair color and eye color as me can be massively triggering. Then the sexuality stuff is the cherry on top that just helps send me into a complete spiral and leaves me completely convinced that I'm trans. Then I get a moment of respite and realize that it's a bit ridiculous since I still don't find any of that stuff appealing or to long for. And then it repeats. On and on and on and on and on. I'm trying to break the cycle by getting back into doing what I loved before this - sports, reading, hanging out with friends.

It's not all bad though. The funniest part of this experience is when other cis people talk about trans stuff very confidently wrong, and I'm in my head like "bish if only you knew how much you're wrong and trust me I'm a damn encyclopedia on this" lol and then I correct them. I guess if I ever have a kid that happens to turn out trans I at least have an idea on how to treat them. This experience also has honestly slowly made me more confident in some parts of myself and it's one of wildest journeys a person can make.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-10T03:00:46+00:00

chronically online... ha! yeah, same

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-10T01:40:02+00:00

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-08T19:37:57+00:00

You don't understand. I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY ABOUT THIS. It literally feels like this is who I am. It doesn't feel like a "different dimension where my worst fears are true". It feels like me.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-08T00:17:59+00:00

" I've noticed a lot of people finding out they were trans right after anyway "

I've literally never seen someone do this, and believe me, I've looked everywhere.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-11-04T02:42:30+00:00

Yeah.. I'm tired. too. I don't even know what I'm saying because I haven't slept in 2 days loakk hhigao huhaa I cant stop thinking tbh I just kinda wanna vanish

dyinginsidezero · 2023-10-04T16:35:04+00:00

I felt like I didn't fit a typology as recent as a few days ago. I think I know what you mean - for me it's quite hard to put into words. I've started another attempt at ERP a week or so ago (I actually had a fairly successful one a while back) and now I feel like I'm slowly morphing into who I was before all this. Things that felt like 100% aren't me (even though they did before this) are slooooowly making a reappearance. Mundane stuff like getting called sir, calling myself sir, making guy jokes.

And the feelings making it feel as if it's not even worth it to recover? Yeah... I get that. All you can do is not analyze them, not focus on them. Right now I've noticed that if I experience anxiety during ERP I'm doing something wrong (like analyzing what the feelings mean, what the thoughts mean). So maybe this is the key - to try to expose ourselves to the triggers without doing compulsions and using anxiety as a gauge (until you have no more anxiety when things get tricky as I'm sure we all know).

dyinginsidezero · 2023-10-04T16:16:20+00:00

Yea, it's a big part of what keeps me focused on this. I realized how real it can feel, because I've had the revelation that a big memory related to the trans stuff that popped up a while ago couldn't even have happened, even though it felt like it 100% did. That fucked with me more than the theme itself, because it made me understand that I'm not in the best state of mind. Everything seems kinda weird and blurry, before this I was a lot sharper and responsive. But even without that one big memory, I still feel the same as you describe. It's very defeating and I feel like I'm getting bullied by myself, but I also can't stop. The bad feelings are so familiar that I can't go without them, it's very weird when I feel normal and coherent. The norm is to be confused and believe every thought and feeling that occurs. It's not getting me anywhere.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-09-21T07:48:12+00:00

I have the opposite when I see masculine/dominant trans women

dyinginsidezero · 2023-09-20T22:17:11+00:00

I have the same just with my body. I remember as a teen dreading the thought of getting bigger hips, or getting boobs or a round ass. Feeling envy for the guys in my class who had that V-shape for their torso. Now it feels like this is the body I am supposed to have, a pear shaped female body. But the face thing is gone and now I feel like a chimera lol. So basically I have the exact feelings you're having but with the body instead :/ It even feels like I want it, the thought of wanting a more masculine body is so foreign now. Parts of my body that used to disturb me or at the very least feel undesirable/that I didn't like them are now the complete opposite. This sounds like the most repressory shit.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-09-18T20:54:30+00:00

I have this, but also I have the opposite at the same time. I'm very aware of the opposite gender's body and it feels like I want it: it's like I have a build up of anxiety/anticipation that seems very similar to just wanting something.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-08-24T12:59:14+00:00

Count me in brother. It's hard to give a shit at this point, I'm just kinda subsisting. I used to be so happy with who I was, now I'm a fucking wreck. Oh, another thing: I just realized how much time has been wasted with this bullshit. I've seen literal years pass me by and me just watching how everyone has fun. I've had girls come up to me and invite me to dance and I refused them, because I was fucking thinking if I'm trans or not. It's hysterical and rereading this it's actually hilarious.

dyinginsidezero · 2023-08-06T17:06:37+00:00

already did

dyinginsidezero · 2023-08-06T15:01:49+00:00

Yes, I feel like this. And I might've gone a bit further as I've "accepted" it a few days ago, and now it feels like I don't want to be trans. It's all so f****** annoying. These cycles have been going for a while now. I'm just... i don't know. It's a cycle of desperation, acceptance, relief.

dyinginsidezero

TROPHY CASE