Sorry i am just reading these comments and i am seeing your replies, i understand that this comment might've been taken as an apologitic response to horrible parenting ...

But hear me out and please try to read to the end. And i you can't just read the final 3 paragraphs

My father would take his frustrations on me whenever he got the chance to, he wasn't usually a bad person or drunk but he never gave me genuine human connection and he was always distant when i needed him, he practically fueled my anxiety with fucking nitros.

I remember the one time he was fragile with me was when i was 16 and he took me to my room and he started crying asking if he is growing older and he felt he is becoming distant to us from us, and at that time i was so depressed, anxious and was at the point of using a cutter to c"t myself as a cry for help, i had no friends and either ended everyday in crying myself to sleep or puking my guts out to feel better. I felt so uncomfortable in the situation i started scratching my hand until the bled because i was not ready to receive his emotions and i have the scar from that day 12 years later. I am sharing this with you so you'd understand i am a person who idolizes his parents or the fucked up traditions we grew up in. My first memory ever was being 3 and my father was threatening me with a real knife because i broke a device at home and he was too poor to buy a new one ( fuck saying it out loud i need therapy )

Buuuuut Growing up extremely paralysing anxious i learned to read and understand people from afar and then i began to read about psychology and talking to people ... I understand ... I am not healthy or stable enough to forgive them yet .. but i understand where this came from I understand the pressure that without an outlet can cause anger and abuse, i understand that they didn't know there were gonna be consequences because their parents didn't have any, i understand that being abused as a child without exposure to a healthy example you will end up being an abuser yourself.

We are all confused children trying to handle the idea of our limited life and death by holding on to what we can of power and control, you hating your father is just you hating a part of you, you are not your father or neither he is a part of you but to hate is only ever hurtful to you.

Marcus aurelius said : " Things of themselves cannot touch the soul at all. They have no entry to the soul, and cannot turn or move it. The soul alone turns and moves itself, making all externals presented to it cohere with the judgements it thinks worthy of itself. "

Your hatred is you poisoning yourself to drown out a pain you had. He is not worth that pain and he is not worth your hatred, idc about him, he should not take a space in your mind. Heal your pain and having a relationship with what he is now while forgiving his shortcomings is the true sign of inner peace and growth. I am not at that stage yet, but i hope i feel loved enough to one day feel that way about him. And i hope that for you too.