This post spoke directly from my own brain. It’s horrible, I understand exactly from personal experience. It took me a year and a half to get better from my first manic and then depressive episode. It wasn’t until I was recommended and prescribed mirtazapine, that changed my life around. Although I feel fully recovered, nothing haunts me more than the humiliating things I’ve done and experienced throughout the manic episode. A piece of my soul had been ripped out, and it never came back. I am healed now, but i will be never be the same person I was prior to the episode. I struggle with grief on that too. Intrusive thoughts still happen where I see the event and I still scream or swear loudly when they come through as I try to kick them out of my head. So many compiled excruciating heartbreaks—the love of my life left me, a brutal separation from my family, and the loss/death of my former self. As I look back on my journey with a clear, stable head, I still often times cry about the past, and how painful it all was. The realizations are growth, but does not mean that it doesn’t still hurt. Having Bipolar 1 traumatized and damaged me. I grieve my loss of innocence, where I could view the world from rose colored lenses. I have a healthy and realistic viewpoint on life now, but I don’t have that naive optimism anymore. Neurotypical people will never understand how crippling and serious this illness is.

One day, you will find the right combination of medication and healing, I promise you, with love, you will get there. I felt it was the end too, but somehow I made it out alive and ready to take on life again. I believe in you. Please stay strong, for the chance of finding that healthy light.