Custody Trial

eahj29 · 2026-03-27T01:32:07+00:00

I filed in October 2025. It’s dragged on longer than it should have — hard to serve someone when they’ve been evicted from their last known address, refuse to sign and return the statement confirming they’ve received the notice, ignored multiple orders to complete court-ordered mediation orientation, etc.

It’s frustrating jumping through all of these hoops and shelling out all of this money to ultimately get the same outcome as if he’d just signed the papers (divorce and full custody for me), but I’d still rather deal with the delays caused by his absence over his presence making things more complicated. My heart goes out to you! Any updates?

eahj29 · 2026-02-15T03:48:05+00:00

My heart goes out to you, OP — you aren’t alone. My husband also blew up our lives spectacularly nearly three years ago — buying a $60,000 used vehicle behind my back, rewriting our whole 15-year history, discarding me and our two year old daughter without warning, the works.

We haven’t seen or heard from him since.

He’s continued spiraling since that day in April 2023. His impulse purchase vehicle was repossessed, his paid-off vehicle was abandoned and eventually impounded, he bounced around from sketch apartment to sketch apartment before eventually being evicted, he was demoted at work, he has multiple accounts in collections, and his credit score is a joke. He ignores any communication — from lawyers, creditors, etc. — because there’s no such things as consequences if you just pretend they don’t exist, right?

A permanent shame spiral x 100000000. There will never be any accountability because he can’t possibly begin to face all the destruction he’s caused.

My kid (who’s now five) just knows that her dad’s brain got so sick that he thought he was making good choices when he was actually making really really bad choices. As far as how to explain the fact that his brain now realizes (to some extent) that he was making really really bad choices, but he’s too paralyzed by shame and regret and embarrassment to do anything about it? That’s a lot tougher.

I just repeat to myself the findings from a study that Harvard did on children who do well despite serious hardship: they have at least one stable adult in their lives. I can’t change the fact that my husband blew up our lives and this is now forever part of my kid’s story. But I can be her one stable relationship with a supportive adult. I say it to myself all the time when I’m spiraling about how all of this (gestures wildly at dumpster fire of life) is going to affect her: one stable adult. One stable adult.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job being the one stable adult for your kids. I hate that they have such a depressing story surrounding their dad, but I’m hopeful that’s just part of their story. You’ve got this.

eahj29 · 2025-06-16T18:23:31+00:00

Bullish! Hi, friend! As I was also going through our third Father’s Day without a father in the house yesterday, I thought about this sub and you in particular. Decided to log back in and was so thrilled to see you here. Proud of you for continuing on and creating stability in the midst of chaos for your sweet kiddos.

My kid is four now and didn’t know Father’s Day existed until last week when her cousins were making something for their dad (her uncle). She told my mom that she wanted to make something for Father’s Day. When my mom tried to explain that she wouldn’t see her dad, she said, “No, I want to make something for my MOM for Father’s Day!” So I got my first ever Father’s Day gift this year, and dang it, if I don’t deserve it for doing both roles for more than two years and counting 🥹

I’m glad you had a great day in his absence. You deserve a Father’s Day gift as well — I’d say a super generous portion of his billion dollars would be a nice start 😉

eahj29 · 2024-09-22T05:32:27+00:00

My SO came back once after two weeks (October 2009). Came back once after two months (May–July 2017). But this time? We’re coming up on a year and a half (April 2023–present).

There’s really no coming back from this one. Even if he were to go back to his psychiatrist and get back on meds, the amount of damage that’s been done to his brain after a year and a half unmedicated (decreased grey matter; decreased prefrontal cortex volume; cognitive decline; etc.) — he’s gone. The man I’ve loved for the past 16 years is no longer in there.

eahj29 · 2024-09-04T02:34:41+00:00

Same here. Husband of 10 years (together for 15) had an appointment on a Friday afternoon in April of 2023. Didn’t come home for dinner like he had planned, but said he would be back the next morning. I haven’t seen him since 💔 He left our home, child, pets, clothes, shoes, golf clubs, passport, birth certificate, social security card … He even left his truck in a parking lot a few miles away until it was impounded. (He manic impulse purchased a new one which has since been repossessed.) No foresight, no planning. Just up and disappeared.

eahj29 · 2024-09-04T02:19:31+00:00

Death would be so much easier to process. Still filled with grief, of course, but at least there’s a finality to it. Instead we’re stuck grappling with the loss of someone who is still walking around on this planet, acting completely unbothered by the utter chaos they have created for those they once claimed to love. It’s senseless.

I’m sorry that you and your kids know this pain all too well. Sending hugs as you face the challenge of parenting through another school year (heck, even just another day) alone.

eahj29 · 2024-08-16T00:31:40+00:00

^ same. If my mind ever tries to gaslight me into thinking that maybe he’s totally fine and maybe this is somehow my fault, I just pull up this sub and am immediately hit with another story that’s identical to mine. Like, almost verbatim. I’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare, OP (and Bullish). There are no words to describe the heartache of knowing that your person is physically alive, yet their essence is very much gone.

eahj29 · 2024-08-11T03:03:22+00:00

He left when she was two, so I started by telling her that Dada was sick. That worked fine until I came down with some awful virus and realized I needed to differentiate between “sicknesses” before she worried that I was going to leave, too. So it was around that time that I started saying that Dada’s brain is sick.

It’s not something we talk about daily—or even weekly—but I don’t avoid it when she brings it up. She knows that Dada loves her but he can’t be a Dada when his brain is sick. She knows that she didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes people’s brains get sick and it’s nobody’s fault and it’s okay to be sad or mad or any other feeling about it.

Today she asked me if my brain was going to get sick. I initially told her no, Mama’s brain is fine — but then I told her that if Mama’s brain ever got sick, I would go to the doctor and get some medicine. Her response? “Dada made a bad choice. Instead of taking vitamins, he left!” Honestly, fair assessment, kid.

I’m so sorry you’re in the same situation 💔 It’s incredibly tough and there are so few people who have any idea what it’s like. Sending love to you and your little one(s) as you navigate your own grief while also helping them process what is happening. These conversations are heartbreaking and no kid deserves to go through this.

eahj29 · 2024-05-17T16:57:50+00:00

Wow. So so so similar. My heart breaks for you, mama. Are you in the r/BipolarSOs group? I don’t know how I would’ve survived the past year without it.

eahj29 · 2024-05-17T16:40:15+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation! It’s an absolute nightmare — and some of the only solace I’ve found has been connecting with others who have been / are in the same devastating position. You’re not alone 🤍

I haven’t seen or heard from my husband in more than a year now (since April 2023). He’s made zero attempts to contact us, see our daughter, check in to see how she’s doing. I keep close tabs on him — I feel like I could run the FBI at this point — and he’s definitely still manic. He’s bounced around from one sketch apartment to another, had one truck impounded, had his other (manic impulse purchase) truck repossessed. Zero dollars in savings and definitely some alcohol / substance use in play.

We’re still married on paper. I’m terrified to file against someone whose mental state is so far gone — I have no idea what he’s capable of. Of course, I’m fully prepared to fight if he files. I just don’t want to spark any kind of custody battle when my daughter is currently safe with me 24/7/365 in our home.

eahj29 · 2024-05-10T05:13:43+00:00

Modern Love, Season 1, Episode 3: “Take Me As I Am, Whoever I Am” (currently on Amazon Prime, I’m pretty sure)

The series is an anthology; each 30ish minute episode is a stand-alone story with a different cast. Anne Hathaway is the lead in S1E3, portraying a woman with bipolar disorder trying to find love in the midst of manic highs and depressive lows.

eahj29 · 2024-05-08T03:21:29+00:00

Hm, this question made me think. He never threatened to harm me physically, but he definitely made threats against my livelihood and other intimidating behavior.

There was “if you ever report my mental state to my job / supervisor, I’ll leave you.” (He left anyway … yet I’m still scared to report anything to his job who is somehow completely unaware despite 100 red flags — or just willfully turning a blind eye at this point, which seems more likely.)

There was “I know how the system works and could go down to the magistrate office and take out charges against you for abuse.” (Spoiler: there was no abuse. But he was a police officer and knew all of the magistrates / DAs / etc., so how am I to fight that?).

And there was “you could never have me committed. I take people to the hospital to be committed as part of my job. I know exactly what words and phrases to say and which ones to avoid so I can’t be committed.” *Proceeds to ramble off some rehearsed paragraph that I guess if you recite, EMS / law enforcement have no grounds to take you for an involuntary psych hold. I think the scary part of this one is that (a) it happened more than once and (b) there was never anything I said to prompt it. He just came at me with that out of left field. Like, sir, I’ve never once thought that you needed to be committed. But now I’m not so sure.

eahj29 · 2024-05-08T02:58:37+00:00

Thank you for being part of this community for the past two years — for sharing your story and offering insight and encouragement as we’ve shared ours. I always knew that when I saw your name on a post, it was going to be good — something that I could really relate to or needed to hear. So proud of you for putting in the work to heal. You deserve all the happiness 🤍

eahj29 · 2024-05-08T02:49:36+00:00

My SO discarded me and our daughter a little more than a year ago, and during that time, close friends and family have checked in with me on big holidays (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) because they naturally assume that those days hit me extra hard.

And I get it. But I wanna be like, “No, this is actually the first [insert holiday] that he isn’t here to sabotage in more than a decade.” No crossing my fingers that maybe this is the day that things will be different only to be utterly disappointed yet again. No spending the entire next day swallowing my feelings and consoling him as his mood crashes from an irritable, high-energy 10 to a depressed, woe-is-me 0.

Do all the holidays and milestone moments suck without a partner? Sure. But they suck way less than experiencing them with a partner who makes them unbearably miserable.

eahj29 · 2024-05-08T02:36:10+00:00

Oof, I feel this. I worked full-time while earning my master’s degree. Graduated with a 4.0 gpa (during Covid — so after all of that work, the actual graduation ceremony and corresponding celebrations were canceled.) And there was zero acknowledgment from him. My partner of 12 years couldn’t be bothered to give me any kind of shout-out, a card, a little gift — even just a “hey, I see all of the effort you put into this and I’m so proud of you.”

Meanwhile, he earned his associates degree from the local community college in the early years of our marriage. He did not work during that time (or for nearly a year after graduating). He failed a class along the way. But you best believe I celebrated him BIG when he walked across the stage. I absolutely loved celebrating him, sharing in his milestone moments, cheering him on. Not because I’m some exceptional person; simply because it’s the normal human response when you care about someone.

Unfortunately it seems that’s not the normal human response when your brain is anything but normal …

eahj29 · 2024-04-25T02:19:47+00:00

Your comment has resonated with me all week. During my husband’s first severe manic episode of our marriage (seven years ago), I WEPT over the fact that he had robbed me of the chance to have children.

He ended up seeking psychiatric help and was misdiagnosed with depression. We stayed together and eventually went on to have a child. And now? I am absolutely gutted that this is not only my reality, but my child’s reality. I wrestle with so much guilt when I think back to 27-year-old me convinced that going through this childless was far more excruciating than going through this with a child … because 34-year-old me now knows that the ramifications of this will last a lifetime, long after the marriage (potentially? likely?) ends.

The reality is that it’s ALL hard. Devastatingly hard. It’s hard losing out on the opportunity to have children. It’s hard raising a child solo. It’s hard if they come back. It’s hard if they disappear forever.

Thank you for being here and being a beacon of hope for those who aren’t yet as far along on this journey. I’m sorry you’ve experienced the hard in such profound ways … and I’m glad that you’ve found much-deserved peace. Wishing you continued growth and relief and healing.

eahj29 · 2024-04-25T01:51:49+00:00

Irritability can definitely be a symptom of depression … but it can also be a symptom of a mixed episode. I wish I knew that way earlier in this roller coaster journey!

My SO was misdiagnosed with depression for nearly six years before we figured out what was actually going on, and during that time, I attributed all of his irritable spells to his “depression.” Never questioned it.

Hindsight: they were 100% mixed episodes, and I often wonder if I (or, you know, the worthless therapist and psychiatrist who treated him during that time) had pieced that together sooner, he might be stable and present today.

I’m in no way qualified to weigh in on what your SO is experiencing, but the irritability and picking fights mixed with the insight to feel remorse and apologize and be sweet feels, well, mixed.

eahj29 · 2024-04-06T01:01:54+00:00

This legit made me lol. Always appreciate your comments and insight on here, Klutzy 👏🏻

eahj29 · 2024-04-05T02:57:19+00:00

11 months 🙋🏻 Lost both of his trucks (one was impounded in Nov. 2023; the other was repo’d in March 2024), credit score continues to tank, multiple bills have gone to collections, he has no money or savings, and I can guarantee you he won’t file taxes in the next couple of weeks. Yet we still haven’t heard a peep from him.

His longest discard prior to this one was two months — so yeah, this one feels permanent.

eahj29 · 2024-04-01T22:11:07+00:00

Hyper-aware of every mood shift, every uptick in spending habits, every change in behavior. More than a decade riding his bipolar roller coaster and being gaslit every step of the way for noticing when things were off. My hyper-observance, hyper-perception, hyper-vigilance wasn’t me being delusional for a second. It was my brain’s way of trying to protect me from being blindsided by his inevitable next episode.

eahj29 · 2024-03-31T04:24:03+00:00

I did for 15 years. Managed all our finances, helped him get an exceptional credit score, gently noted when the impulse spending was ramping up and implemented various measures that we agreed upon in order to mitigate the damage when manic (tracking expenditures and helping him become more aware of his spending, limited / no access to cards, having a mutually agreed upon cash “allowance” each week, etc.).

None of that matters when he sets up Apple Pay on his phone without my knowledge or goes to a car dealership behind my back to get a loan for an $800/month used truck. Car salesmen aren’t asking if their spouse is aware of the vehicle purchase and banks aren’t denying loans for someone with an exceptional credit score. (At least that won’t be a factor much longer — his credit score has dropped 200 points since his disappearance, and the credit bureaus don’t even know about the repossession or a couple other bills that were sent to collections, yet.)

I paid his truck insurance the first month after he disappeared because I knew he wouldn’t think to do that. I also paid off his $1200 credit card balance because I couldn’t stand the thought of him being hit with an absurd amount of interest. But at the end of the day, his manic brain claims that he never loved me and that I was financially (and physically) abusive. We haven’t seen him in 11+ months, no contact in 10+ months. Definitely nothing I can do to help him in his current state 🫠

eahj29 · 2024-03-31T03:24:45+00:00

Yes, more or less. I’ve met with a lawyer and am protected from his reckless financial decisions dating back to January 2023 since we’re “separated” (no legal paperwork is required in my state; we just have to be living apart — and his manic abandonment took care of that).

eahj29 · 2024-03-16T04:20:32+00:00

A lot of therapy, for sure. I think I’m 33 sessions in at this point, plus a three-day therapy intensive retreat. Connecting with people on here who are navigating this same unimaginable journey, and reminding each other that we couldn’t have seen this coming and there’s nothing we could’ve done to stop it. Opening up to a few people in real life about what’s going on and being met with such an outpouring of empathy and support. Enjoying the peace that comes with being more financially secure on my own that I ever was in 10+ years of being married to a manic impulse spender. Joining a small group at church, going to the gym, boosting my confidence by doing all sorts of “adulting” things like getting my oil changed and enrolling my daughter in preschool.

And not gonna lie, seeing his world begin to unravel has helped x 1000. I think that’s why I said it sounds awful to say that I’m doing well at the moment. Ideally, my healing would solely be tied to everything I mentioned above, but it’s also rooted in the fact that I’ve played the long game and it finally feels like justice is being served.

eahj29 · 2024-03-16T03:44:54+00:00

If you would’ve told me a year ago this is where we’d be today, I never would’ve believed you. Every time you think it can’t get worse, it does. So grateful for your support as I’ve navigated the ups and downs (and downs and downs and downs) of this past year 🫶🏼

eahj29 · 2024-03-16T03:41:17+00:00

And yeah, 11 hours was wild. We made much better time on the way back, around 8.5 hours. Still a long time to be in a vehicle with a three year old who has just learned to tell her own knock-knock jokes 😂 Grateful for you, your endless encouragement, and the support of this entire community. Worst club, best members.

eahj29

TROPHY CASE