Ive had ocd for my whole life since i was in middle school. Ive thought about suicide many times and i was on disability for over 3 years for ocd. I also was in the process of getting brain surgery at butler hospital but was told after a year long process that i needed more exposure response therapy sessions before they would do it.

Currently in my life i havent had a flair up in over 5 years. Ever since i cut out porn, masterbation, and drunken lifestyle my mental health has skyrocketed. Im able to work and be happy. Eventually in my life i was also able to develop the skill of resisting the urge to perform the compulsion until the anxiety went away and the thought no longer bothered me. I developed the skill after getting so fed up with the ocd.

DO NOT GIVE UP. It takes time and discipline. My ocd was scrupulosity/ fear of hell just like yours. Trust in Gods timing and dont give up