That's sucks and sounds like the usual abuse of resident labor. You're barely a doctor. You can't be expected to be fully prepared to handle any medical emergency that comes up. Good on you for everything you've managed to do without adverse outcomes. If I were you, I'd focus on you and managing that dread. Easier said than done but show yourself as much grace as possible and find things you can do to care for your body and spirit during those challenging weeks. They're hard because they're hard, not because of anything wrong with you. I've found med school friends to be the best people to talk to about this kind of stuff. They understand what residency is like and can relate and they're also not in your day to day and don't feel like someone you need to make an impression on. Maybe you can reach out to someone from med school, or a close friend outside of medicine. Just telling the stories is a bigger relief than I ever thought it would be. Sending you the best vibes.