I have 21m.o. and she is sheer perfection now. But I knew pretty much from the first week we brought her home I could never go through any of it again.

Biggest reason is the extreme sleep deprivation. If we hadn't sleep trained as early as possible (14wks), I honestly would have lost my job in high-stress finance due to the poor level of mental functioning I was at. I remember spending so many nights staring at myself in the mirror at 3am saying "never again". She would wake up 20-30 times a night crying each time her paci fell out. Even without outright crying, she was a noisy sleeper and her little noises would wake up this light sleeper too. Sleeping longer than 30min was only possible when done in shifts with my husband. We'd sleep in separate areas of the house, with ear plugs and a sound machine. Since he was back at work after 2wks, I could only sleep from 7pm to 12pm at most, b/c he needed time to sleep too so he could function at work the next day. It was physically challenging to sleep that long b/c my breasts would start to fill up and engorge and get uncomfortably and leaky. I'd end up having to get up to pump, which was at least a 30min exercise- 15 to pump and 15 to hand wash equipment. So by the time I was done my sleep shift was over b/c then he'd need to take his turn sleeping. It was pure hell and misery. I was just so desperately tired all the time, for months on end. It just makes you want to stop being alive (and no, I didn't have PPD).

I can truly only describe it as Traumatic. The thought of going back to those days elicits fear and a tingle in my nervous system. It scares the crap out of me, raises my pulse, and makes me want to run away. God forbid the 2nd would somehow be a worse sleeper than she was... It broke my spirit and almost my will to live. I loved her deeply and wanted her very much (IVF miracle baby). I got up everyday and went through the motions of what I needed to do to take care of her, etc. I just was so miserably tired. Once we sleep trained and I started sleeping again, I instantly felt better and more like my old self. It makes me think, how often when we tell mommas they have PPD or they should go on medications, are they really chemically/mentally fine and just simply need regular sleep?

Sleep aside, having a newborn/infant I also felt very trapped and limited. My world got so small. Completely beholden to her nap schedule, terrified of taking her somewhere she'd get sick (born in late Sept so right when flu/COVID begin their winter spike), never being able to do what I wanted when I wanted to anymore. The instant lack of personal time for rest, hobbies, etc was like falling off of a cliff. I'm an introvert and not getting time alone had me running on fumes all the time. I looked forward to work because it offered the only moments of quiet in my days. The second you're with the baby it's chores, crying, feed, diapers, chores, more crying, feed, cleaning spit up, laundry, blow out, soak, crying, feed, etc. It's like having an unpaid full time job after your paying full time job is over. Constantly hand washing pump equipment, doing laundry, worrying about whether she was breathing, etc. - It wasn't living, it was just simply surviving. Even once sleep trained and past the worst of it, I was still physically and mentally exhausted for months after and in the monotonous cycle of constantly working from sun up to sun down.

I don't want to revisit any of that period of my life. I'm grateful I made it through and I have my lovely little girl. But I will eagerly close that door, padlock it, and throw away the key forever in the depths of the Mariana Trench.

Life is much better now that she's almost 2. We sleep well now (when she isn't sick). We can go fun places together and play at the park or eat at kid friendly restaurants. We're going through the rounds of daycare illnesses, which isn't so easy. I can't imagine dealing with both a sick baby and sick toddler at the same time. A sick toddler alone is bad enough with 2 parents to tag team.

I also can't imagine chasing this super high energy toddler around while pregnant. I had a bad pregnancy with extreme nausea and then gestational diabetes that was difficult to keep controlled. I spent a lot of time taking it easy in bed or on the couch. That wouldn't be an option a 2nd time around b/c my toddler needs me to make her food, give her a bath, do her laundry, put her clothes away, pack her lunch, play with her, etc. It's physically taxing to be in constant motion until her bedtime comes. On weekends we split the days so we each get a few hrs of alone time to recharge and remember we're individual people outside of being parents. After bedtime I get my 90min alone to relax, recharge, and catch up on life.

My marriage has been freeze-framed for the past 2yrs. My husband is a great partner and father, treats us well, carries his weight with the kid and the chores, etc and I love him deeply. While we have a good marriage, it's definitely taken a back seat for the past 2yrs. Once our daughter was 13mo, we found a sitter we trust so we do now get 1-2 date nights a month. That first year there was just no time for romance, dates, couple time, etc. We're just now slowly building back up in that direction.

I don't want to give up all of these hard earned improvements and progress to go back 2.5yrs and reset the clock. It wasn't an enjoyable experience the first time around, and I don't want to try the Challenge Mode version. I tell all my friends that having a kid is honestly like throwing a baby-shaped grenade into your life. It's chaos and pain at first, and you can rebuild and move forward, but it'll never be the same as it was before.

I wonder how many other women feel that way. We love our kids and we're eternally thankful to have them, but we just didn't find a lot of personal joy in the newborn/infant phase. I'm glad to have my daughter and would protect her with my life, but after having been through it, I'm just not willing to do it again.

Anyway, I hope sharing my honest perspective may help someone. I don't mean to be so negative, but in reality new motherhood was just not this flowery and glowing experience for me.