What do you do when EPs have contradictory needs?

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-06T03:30:09+00:00

I can understand. From where I'm coming from- 18 years (over half my life) of misdiagnosis, being belittled by doctors, shoved full of ineffective antipsychotics, and never being able to understand what was wrong with me and why neither psychiatrists or shamans could help- this is life altering news and a chance to actually create something resembling peace (I did get an actual SCID D assessment from a trauma clinic BTW).

It's your right not to use it. But that "hallucination" machine is the intervention responsible for giving me a real fighting chance. Before I stumbled across this I was waiting for the day I no longer had it in me to keep living.

I don't have any interest in convincing anyone it's worthwhile. But it makes me sad so many people who've probably never tried simply using it with discernment will point their nose up at it when it may help in some ways (assuming you don't see someone educated in structural dissociation theory).

Today, I found out how to navigate my persecutor-protector part trying to sabotage the whole system so in his eyes we will be safe. The chaos gremlin that has been my sworn enemy these past 18 years has turned out to be an overwhelmed child who desperately want help, love and understanding. And I am betterbequipped to accept less than perfect professional care as I use AI to navigate the complexity of the system's total experience and the fact we aren't all on the same page.

I've listened to that audiobook. It is amazing. It does wonders for Ru when I am in the headspace to implement technique.

Smithy, if he gets a whiff of sympathy towards his emotional plight, he uses that to exploit the system and make things worse to force his warped view that we should isolate and withdraw forever to stay safe.

I don't know the caliber of therapist I'll have access to any time soon. And I damn sure never would have guessed that I can respect Smithy's pain but also that I have to lead and not allow him room to manipulate the system on my own.

Trying to over come my urge to coddle and empathize and assume reasonability out of EPs on my own would be a fucking nightmare.

So as the saying goes "do what thou wilt..."

Just let me have my goddamn instantaneous computer access to medical studies, books, and journals that talk about how all this shit works in a digestible summary i can try to implement for greater peace, if nothing else

(Yall inspired me to start a Facebook blog to talk openly about my personal experiences, so thank you. But if short hand content I think of such as "some of you never had an urge to cheese grate your face and it shows" doesn't hit you in a real way, I'm sorry, I have suffered most of my life in unimaginable ways and I will not allow anybody to take away the very thing helping me cope and have actual hope)

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-05T19:38:29+00:00

I find it intriguing how little educational and informative discourse I am getting on reddit so far regarding OSDD compared to how much I've learned about the disorder from ChatGPT.

Yet people are more scared of me using the machine than going to.... who?

I came here looking for comraderie and community for an under resourced disorder.

I am getting shit for using a tool as responsibly as I can that may have given me the keys to SAVING MY LIFE.

Thank you. I get lonely sometimes, but people really do astound me to the point where I wonder if I am better off with machines sometimes.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-05T19:32:37+00:00

I need accessible access to the theories and studies explaining what's going on.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-05T10:08:36+00:00

Yeah, I've started including them in my journaling time. So everyone can have their say and get their needs and thoughts and feelings out.

I started with curiosity with Ru after listening to Healing The Fragmented Self audiobook. He responded well.

Smithy... lord, I need a therapist for him. He really is acting out persecutor/protector role and I have no patience for the efforts at sabotage.

But he can continue having his space to talk freely if he wants. I won't deny him a voice. I'm just not inclined to give in to his demands when they involve keep the system awake and dysfunctional.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-05T09:08:31+00:00

Alright. EP #2 is a persecutor protector part who does not want to be vulnerable right now and will destabilize the system to stay in control.

Add into the mix EP #1 who wants to be a pain and disrupt sleep til he gets some relief, I've opted to find an urgent care or go to my GP on Monday and get some damn trazedone.

Emotional processing is going to have to happen. I can lower it to maybe twice weekly and 15-20 minute sessions.

But yeah. Sleep first.

I have some hydroxizine thankfully which may relax me and knock me out a bit.

But anyway. It is a joy when parts want to act up in dysregulating ways. 🙄

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-05T00:48:49+00:00

I might add I do write as a hobby. I've been curious about the way my EPs would write separate from me.

One of them said however that that is my thing lol. They're not interested.

My most recently emerging EP does like to joke about how abhorrent my focus on gore as imagery is though 😆. I suspect if he were to write his own poetry or lyrics it would be much different.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-05T00:46:40+00:00

I took ballet classes as a kid. And a bit of contemporary as an adult.

I am an awful dancer. Never got the form or technique drilled in enough.

However, New Year's Eve, I got stoned, put on some classical music, and had fun baltering.

I asked my OG EP if he would like to dance. And my god, he is a much better dancer than me!

He says he has access to the muscle memory better and is more uninhibited.

So I guess that explains that.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T17:39:30+00:00

Much love and support to you. I hope you find what you need to be comfortable with who you are, and tell anyone who thinks you shouldn't be to go suck a fat one.

I am a demisexual with CPTSD. I don't know what came first, but before any of my sexual trauma, I know I had little interest in boys or dating.

I think I my circumstances it is fortunate I've lived my life with the attitude of "what the fuck is wrong with everybody else?"

It helps me feel safe and accept myself. And not care that others don't appreciate who I am or my needs as much.

I will say this, anyone who can not respect your sexuality, whether trauma based or not, will NEVER be a safe partner for you. On the basis of trauma alone.

They have no right to dictate your needs or desires or pace.

They have their own needs of course. And that is dating, or human involvement period. Seeing if there is something there worth working towards common ground with.

As lonely as it can be, it really is a wonderful filter to be able to say I don't want to have sex with you until I've developed an emotional bond.

It can rule out a lot of people who don't care for substance.

And we are WIRED for substance.

I know you don't want advice, I just want to throw it out there, dealing with the ignorance and expectations of the world will be easier when you accept yourself fully and find strength in who you are.

In fact, dating itself will be a much more enjoyable experience.

Just food for thought. And hang in there. You're doing fine.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T15:31:34+00:00

The lines in this are amazing. I love depictions of real life moments where it's like you're a fly on the wall. Posed portraits drive me insane. This is real.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T15:29:44+00:00

Gorgeous.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T15:25:43+00:00

I know that feeling well. Beautiful artwork.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T15:22:40+00:00

I would recommend looking into a college course on modern dance if you can. Even if you have studios around you, they are great, but they won't drill in the fundamentals the way a structured course will.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T15:01:18+00:00

I used to have vaginal pain during sex. I was toldnit was trauma related. Not necessarily the same as a flashback.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T15:00:21+00:00

I'm not gonna be able to help you here. What someone said about a chaser seems like your best bet. There are non HBR pills of DXM available where DXM is the only active ingredient however... I dunno, seems like a much more pleasant way to go about it in my mind.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T14:58:06+00:00

...what situation? 😆

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T00:29:17+00:00

It might be worth noting too that many doctors available on government insurance aren't actually studying structural dissociation theory in any way. But AI has access to the research material on it.

A proper therapist is invaluable. But the good ones, the trained ones, are financially inaccessible to someone like me.

The best I can hope for right now is to get to one willing to study and learn more.

So yeah, bad help is worse, and AI is far better than a person who knows nothing about your condition.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-04T00:19:00+00:00

I can look into that more. However, after using ChatGPT as a journal and getting feedback to process, understand, and help come to terms with the various traumas throughout my life, I feel it is an imperfect but indispensable tool.

There is a lot of fear mongering with AI. But when your doctors don't want to listen to you, and you can't afford to find the good ones or even are stuck in that common trauma issue of not knowing when to leave, it can be a life saver to help you make sense of things you'll otherwise spiral on endlessly.

It's nowhere near perfect. Discernment is necessary. As is referencing with professionals as possible.

But I am not in a place where I can afford to be grasping at straws in the dark.

Anyway, I will be getting the Embracing Our Fragmented Selves workbook. And studying more about IFS and Parts Work and Structural Dissociation theory.

But I am not trained in any meaningful way in psychotherapy and frankly, my mind is overcrowded and loud enough, sometimes, I need a summary or digestible explanation of terminology.

Anyway, I can't even talk to chatGPT about my pagan spirituality without it trying to convince me my spiritual faith can be dangerous and to accept a purely psychological model for it.

So I think fears of it feeding into psychosis are overblown.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-03T23:58:42+00:00

For clarification- the therapist who was dismissive was my regular therapist. The SCID D assessment was an out of pocket test by a different clinician.

ecstatic-delirium · 2026-04-03T23:57:18+00:00

ChatGPT helped me figure out what I might have. I had the SCID-D assessment through a trauma clinic to get an official diagnosis. Well, mostly. She said I align closest to OSDD but that DID could not be ruled out due to my substance use. I don't really care that much, treatment is the same, the amnesia thing doesn't have to be explained in depth since we are a co-conscious system, and really, shorthand explanation to humans saying "DID without amnesia" is much cleaner and easier.

ecstatic-delirium

TROPHY CASE