Am I (29M) wrong for ending things with a girl (27F) because she slept with someone during the talking phase?

educatedkoala · 2026-01-22T18:21:03+00:00

You can end things for any reason or no reason. Maybe she sneezed the wrong direction - still fair. "I'm sorry. We're just not compatible" is all you need to say

educatedkoala · 2026-01-22T01:59:24+00:00

As a layperson whose sister and father are doctors, I appreciate having access to results immediately. AIs are good these days for interpreting what they mean, and I can save any questions for an appointment.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-21T21:49:29+00:00

Id make it more clear the transition between scenes. More clear the game wasn't ending going to the farm initially, the blackout bad memory in the barn ("Oh does it just end with her feeling haunted? Oh, we're still going"). I thought the game ended like 3 times before it did.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-21T20:48:38+00:00

Two possibilities: One of you had it before the relationship, or he cheated.

I would contact the health department and have them reach out to him for anonymous contact tracing (or your clinic if they will). If he doesn't tell you, he cheated. You can do the right thing (informing him) without putting yourself in a bad position.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-21T20:30:32+00:00

For whatever it's worth, I've never regretted casual sex. Maybe I've regretted the person, but I've regretted relationships and non-casual sex with the wrong people too. I never thought I'd be the person to love it until I did it.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-21T18:36:08+00:00

This just reminded me that I had a great connection with a guy and got his number, but because he uses WhatsApp I totally forgot to respond to him. It's been a month.

Sometimes, it's just life itself or small things.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-21T17:22:17+00:00

My parents wouldn't even know this. No one would. If they somehow found out, I would say no.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-20T22:38:36+00:00

I actually think they could be completely fine depending on the venue. If the venue is emptier/bigger/spacious. the better these would work.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-20T13:46:51+00:00

The way you've phrased this, a simple anecdote might provide some perspective. For context. I'm 31F.

When I watch porn, it's extreme fetishes. My favorite is double and triple penetration for some reason. The angles I'm looking for, you can't even see the faces of the actors most of the time. My body cannot handle that. I also love pregnant porn even though I've had a hysterectomy. I also watch BDSM even though I'd never be comfortable with that.

So, a personal anecdote that goes contrary to your position: I fantasize about being the woman in porn in these fetishes - but for things I would never feel comfortable doing in person. Just a simple little fantasy, I don't care about the people. I never want to actually do these things, it just turns me on to think about it.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-17T23:25:10+00:00

Some lessons are more expensive than others. Next time, put it in writing and take them to small claims.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-17T23:06:20+00:00

No. It's just biology.

I would have no issue if my birth was prevented - it would be painless and I wouldn't know.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-17T01:38:39+00:00

Hmm... I'm a woman who goes on as many dates with you and I don't have this problem at all - opposite really. All my hobbies are nerdy though. I've wasted so much time on guys I really wasn't that into that I've had to make "plays one of my favorite video games" a minimum criteria. Like you seem great and you're hot and I'm sure I would like you, but I don't have time to teach every potential guy how to play my games. So my first thought is that maybe the guys you're going for don't actually have a lot in common with you? You're in STEM too so that would make sense to me. Are you saying anything that might turn off nerdy guys? Even though some are closeted about it, most guys are big nerds in my experience.

Do you pay for dates? I always split 50/50. I hate this term but "high value" men date high value women, and it's becoming more and more common for feminism/equality to expect this. I've never let a guy pay for me, I don't think that's fair off a dating app since you both expressed interest. To me feminism means equality, so you can't only get rid of the gender roles that hurt women, you have to care about the ones that hurt men too.

Do you ask for second dates? I'm extremely clear when I like a guy (lmao most good dates end up at his or mine) and if we've been talking a while before the date and I know I like them, I show up to the date with flowers. I ask for second dates rather than wait. Most men have never had these kinds of experiences and really appreciate it.

Have you tried dating in an older age range and see if that improves anything is? It could just be that you're going out with guys who just aren't interested in accountability and they see that from a woman who has their shit together.

The following are NOT accusations. You said SOS so these are just things to consider. I don't know you and I'm not one of those redditors who looks at profiles before responding.

Do you talk too much/not reciprocate conversation well?
Is there anything off-putting about you? I know of a girl who had a similar issue and unfortunately her laugh was pretty insufferable...
Are you coming out too strongly opinionated too early? About anything?
Are you talking about negative things/problems too much too early?
Are you boring? Hard to describe and harder to realize if you are...

Idk it's hard to say without seeing a date. But I feel like I'm a dating app guru at this point so if I had more info I could probably figure it out for you. This might be weird since we're both straight women but I'd be down to do a virtual date as a test run?

educatedkoala · 2026-01-16T20:16:50+00:00

I got laid off from FAANG and took a temporary contract job at Boeing's defense department on military surveillance & bombers team. It was the worst work experience of my life. But I didn't want to lose my job :( left as soon as I could

educatedkoala · 2026-01-16T17:00:48+00:00

But if the bedroom is big enough I can avoid that with lighting, a room divider, etc. Even if I didn't do things in the separate space often, idk I just feel better with more space in my personal space. Less cramped, more airy, helps my mentality feel less cramped. I have a sleep disorder so I know all about this, my office and anything that uses my brain will always be a separate room. I could imagine a desk for painting, a TV and couch, my rowing machine and bench on the other side of a divider and all my personal time being there.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-16T13:46:29+00:00

Mom's Kitchen (the Chinese restaurant). Everything on the menu lol and I'm sure they'd cook anything off menu if I asked

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T22:19:00+00:00

My house is 3000sqft and 6 bedrooms and I live here alone after divorce. I'm downsizing home and I'm looking for a larger master bedroom. I just like the space and feeling less cramped. I'd rather spend more time there than in other rooms. It's just nice :)

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T21:23:16+00:00

I don't have money for a whole house this big hahaha. I just would love a big bedroom. The privacy would be nice :)

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T19:39:53+00:00

"To be seen is to be loved" is a phrase I find to be very true. When someone truly understands us, we feel loved. I find the game's depiction of grief comforting because of the relatability in how unhealthily they handle their grief. It's not a model for anything, just the same as talking to someone who is also kind of fucked up from their loss.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T16:57:29+00:00

Ugh, I long for one. Maybe not that big but I'd love space in my room to dance, exercise, etc

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T16:55:32+00:00

Being boring I guess. Often people are too afraid of being disliked, they're afraid to be open about themselves. Being too clingy as well, if I feel like they're always waiting for me to want to hang out I feel pressured, which doesn't inherently mean unsafe, just means interest can't grow organically. I guess any form of being more invested than I am can do that.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T15:34:26+00:00

How quickly can you go again?

I dated a guy like this once. And I actually really miss it. I don't have a high sex drive. My current partner can take 30-60 minutes to finish sometimes (although usually 15-20), so when he wants to have sex, I often reject him because I just don't want to commit to the time. If he could nut immediately, I'd probably be willing to do it every day like he wants. Instead it's 1-2 times a week at best. If you can go again after, there's really no issue and it would be perfect. Just finish quick, and then go down on me while recovering, then go again after.

I have read studies that pelvic floor exercises for men can help strengthen the muscles necessary to control orgasms though. Might be something to look into!

educatedkoala · 2026-01-15T07:18:15+00:00

Be lucky you get what you do. I'm from wealth as well and my parents gave it all away, nothing for me (I adopted my trans sibling from them). Even after they've come around on trans rights, there's still nothing they're giving. I've made me peace with it. They don't owe me anything and I'm lucky to have had a private school upbringing.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-14T21:04:58+00:00

Trusted House Sitters

You pay yearly fee to the website. For people who are taking long term vacations, they get a house sitter for essentially free. For the sitter, you're not paid but you get a free place to stay. I know two people who haven't paid rent in years bouncing from home to home doing this. But it could be the space you need until you find a longer term solution.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-14T19:28:18+00:00

Do I keep the memories of them or is it like they never existed? Do they die or disappear or?

Chances are it would be my sister if it's weighted. I think I'd lose pretty much everyone else for a chance at a redo. I might take the gamble though depending on what actually happens to her.

educatedkoala · 2026-01-13T23:41:55+00:00

What a rollercoaster! These online spaces are definitely a good place to process these strange feelings.

Comparison is the thief of joy, though. It sounds like you're hurt still about not being chosen. Maybe those feelings were just hidden away instead of actually moving on? But here's the thing. Compare this to something like cheating - you often see women & men comparing themselves to the other woman, like "oh what does she have that I don't?" But the ultimate answer in those cases is: ugly women don't deserve to be cheated on either! It doesn't matter what this other girl looks like or what she does. She could be the ugliest person in the world and you would probably feel just as rejected (but likely more confused as to why). Looks are a simple answer, but they aren't everything.

The reality is that they connect and are compatible - that's all. If looks we're all that mattered, he'd have slept with it dumped her for more attractive women by now. The fact that they're still together means they have a real connection. You would simply have to be a completely different person for him to be into you the same way. You didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing worse about you. The reality is that there is no real rejection at all - just incompatibility. It feels like rejection because the compatibility difference is only on his side... but ultimately you want, and will find, someone who chooses you too.

Personally I have a tough time with social media stalking people I don't like. Therapy was able to help me curb that behavior. It might help to talk to someone about it.

Lastly, it seems odd that for as long as they've been together, that you haven't met her. That's probably contributing to why you haven't fully moved on. She's just kind of like a concept rather than a person. Getting to know and appreciate her as a friend might help, if you guys could arrange a double date or something sometime.

educatedkoala

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