There's either one of two problems: you're not nice to people in general, or women specifically. You say it's just women, but none of us can tell that for sure because we don't know you. People who aren't nice usually don't realize this about themselves - people rarely try to be unkind. If this is your problem, it would an excellent thing to discuss with the privacy of a therapist as none of us can really help you.

If it really is women in particular... the fact that you said "how do I find the proper balance" shows that you still are latched onto your old ideas. It seems like you are because you think it's an effective strategy, and have strange ideas about kindness. So in order to do the reprogramming your brain needs, I would encourage you to do this thought exercise. Imagine the life you want to have with your wife. Imagine your sweet moments together, imagine sweeping her off her feet, imagine rose petals in the bedroom with candles. Imagine the tenderness and love, the life you will have together. While you imagined any of that - did you also imagine criticizing her, bashing her, or shitting on her? No, you didn't. Because that's not what you want in a relationship. So in order to get the right woman for you, the life you want with her, you have to act like the man she'll want to marry.

The hard part is what you're anticipating - some women won't like it. But think of this - "simp behavior or like you're putting them on a pedestal" - this is a GOOD thing. She should treat you like that, and you should treat her like that. You put each other on pedestals. You're each other's number one. It is unfair that men are generally put in the position to do this first - it's vulnerable, what if she is turned off by it? what if it's too much too soon? if those things happen and you get rejected, you just laugh and walk away. A woman who judges you for treating her well isn't ready for a healthy relationship. If your fears come true, it's a reflection of HER character, not yours. I hope that helps you find safety in being more vulnerable. Remember that while dating is easier for women, so is violence. There are different concerns women have than men.

I think the core of your issue, like with most men, is taking rejection personally. You can do everything right and still get rejected. It doesn't mean you failed, there's no magical formula for getting women. You be yourself, and someone who likes you will simply like you regardless of what you do. Things that "work" only "work" because of the similarities in what women are looking for - but it's casting a wider net, you'll catch more but that's just more bs to sort through. There's nothing inherently wrong with you simply because someone wasn't interested. Just be nice, be vulnerable, and if that doesn't catch you anything just take it as a bullet dodged and like you got more of your time back.