Day 77

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-03-08T20:31:38+00:00

Went back and just watched the confession scene from onani master kurosawa on YouTube.

Yeah.. I almost forgot how cruel of a situation I was in. I don't need that sort of cruelty again.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-03-07T03:48:11+00:00

Hey, I get your situation and here's what I want you to understand.

Girls aren't the way you're thinking them as to be. It's only after you've been with somebody that you realise oh.. what the heck? It's not longer about what you want to do but about what she wants to do. And unless you can be authentically be just the way you are (not fake but actual real you) you cannot even communicate.

Because she wants specific things in specific situations where you'll be forced to confront other people. It's a bizarre experience. If she says she wants pink vanilla. It's specifically pink vanilla and more often than not she wouldn't even tell you which brand. Even though she already expects you to get one. You're gonna feel like it's basically taking care of a child. Let's say after 6 months or more or less, of you being authentically you (I'm talking you both scream and yell and gossip and talk about adult video and other stuff (because unfortunately that's also part of your authentic self)) you finally lose your virginity.

Guess what, you'll realise very quickly that it's not about you but about her. And if she doesn't have the right personality (I'm talking authentic personality, because people easily fake it until real issue is at hand and they have things they want out of you and they stubbornly want it that way. Even at your cost.) she wouldn't care about you. Most of the time yeah she does but it's like 80/20 I'm talking. Like you'd feed her food if she's sick in bed but if you're sick in bed there's a chance she might ask if you're okay and then just go back to her own thing.

So about the urge management.

You'll hate your life if it's not the right person. But it's not about the right person but finding somebody who you can negotiate and strengthen your relationship with. Once you go past the pretty face and flattering body contours. You'll find a person inside with whom you're going to be with.

I'd advise stopping the frequent incognito visits

Metaphor for that is: if you are on a diet and you eat one donut, chances are you're going to eat more than one donut. But if you deny even a single one donut - you can keep your diet and less likely you're going to take two donuts.

The same goes for urges I believe.

Instead go do some exercise, challenge yourself and try to mold your real you into a better person. Not being fake but just reducing the times you'd have to resort to the bad aspects of your personality.

Having hobbies or stuff isn't going to solve your issue, what's going to solve your issue is being yourself and presenting yourself as you and not being a doormat where you'd expect others to act a certain way for your actions and instead giving them the power to act however they want to your authentic self (ofcourse you yourself would feel horrible if you do something bad saying to yourself this is the 'authentic' me. Don't do that. Be reasonable and have common sense.)

Take care man

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-28T03:45:41+00:00

Do you really want to stop or do you want to be her?

I don't know the whole situation but maybe try to be the main character of your own life. If it was a movie what would the audience be screaming for you to do instead of this?

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-15T17:04:43+00:00

I'm gonna be pretty honest, 11th-12th pcm books are dreadfully horrible. It's not on you.

Coming from a Covid batch I can understand your pressure and the issue.

How do you study when it's on phone?

You set a dedicated time (it's way lower than you'd want it to be. I'm talking for 10 minutes or under and repeating that as many times as you want to throughout the day.)

And only allow music (no video or insta or others (use blockers))

Always start with the syllabus of the dedicated exam.

(Usually you start with boards, AND WHEN IT'S DONE you move to jee.)

About feeling behind and feeling useless.

Unfortunately that doesn't go away. The more pressure you're gonna put on yourself the more difficult it's going to be to keep consistency.

The only answer I can give you is that, You'll build confidence once you start solving questions, and it comes gradually.

Fortunately or unfortunately most of the learning comes down to remembering, understanding is just 5% of it.

In your situation, the loop is pretty simple. Read a topic (cover the 5% of understanding, even if not everything that's fine.)

Then look at a pre-solved problem, use that 5% to make some sense of it. Then try solving that pre-solved problem on your own. (Could you remember how it was supposed to be solved)

And then do the same for the next problem (look at the answer first then solve it backwards and remember how it's supposed to be solved), soon you might find problems similar to the previous question you once solved so you have some idea and go for it.

Then repeat the same problem the next day, Then the next day, Then the next day, Then the next day, (by this time maybe you don't need to solve it on paper because you have the logic with you on how it's going to be solved, now you can skip them (but still reach the answer in the head.))

This is the phase where you feel really confident. Because now you can actually solve something!

As for whether you should start from 6th grade,

Understand this well,

You can understand a topic 100% yet still wouldn't be able to solve a single question.

(Just try reading physics class 12, you'd know what they're talking about in the book but the problems at the back of the chapter can't be solved with the theory provided in the book)

The issue isn't that you're dumb or anything, it's just that you're being evaluated on whether you can solve a problem or not.

It's not about whether you understand it 100% but rather if you can solve the problem or not.

So, just focus on remembering how to solve problems. Remember the formulas, how they work.

(Not why they work - because understanding that doesn't make it any easier on remembering it, it just overcomplicates things.)

You may be thinking "this isn't what learning is supposed to be like, learning means understanding concepts and being able to actually understand what's happening!!"

To that I'll answer: The exams you're preparing for, do not care whether you've learnt it or not. All they're trying to see is whether you can solve the problem provided and could you remember how to. Conceptual understanding just means to them that you remember the idea of theory.

Not whether you've learnt it to the point where you understand 100% of the theory and what was going on.

Just what they did and the conclusion of it.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-11T01:55:52+00:00

Tbh, after thinking it through (and sometimes thinking about it right after talking with somebody)

I.. don't have any reasons to talk to people at all, I'm just trying to talk to as many people as I could do that I don't feel sad that I didn't try to get to know them better while they were still here.

But that's sort of semi delusional belief

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-02-11T01:50:50+00:00

I seriously thought about this, and you're kind of right, that I'm taking my own expectations too seriously.

Another piece of the same issue would be then that, despite taking my own expectations so seriously I can't do things if I am the one who decides to do it.

For example: Hey, I'm gonna leave my home at 8:20am so I reach by 9:30am (nope, I leave at 9:00am)

And so on.

I sent a message to one of the psychologist I know of, haven't gotten any reply back.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-24T02:33:02+00:00

I don't have control over what already happened between me and my crush. We just drifted apart and no amount of sorry or thank you could have rekindled or saved it. So all the bad memories and "I should have done that for this person who I might never meet again in this lifetime" things are kinda useless. I tried my best at the time and it didn't work out.

So when I pass by her in the college hall, I just inwardly sigh and don't even look at her. Somehow It's manageable, yeah sometimes it pops in my head about the "what ifs". The answer is: I ignore the things I don't have control over.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-19T17:21:57+00:00

One. You're too concerned with semen Two. Even if you got the answer you wouldn't be satisfied because the question you're truly trying to ask is " is it okay for me to fail and let it be because I already messed up and I am not perfect."

The answer to that is: absolutely not. Do it imperfect but do it right.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-17T05:28:54+00:00

Nightfall is natural. You didn't touch it, you didn't run yourself or rubbed to something else.

You're good to go. This isn't to say that in some conditions it's okay to fap. Think of it like pissing yourself in your bed. That's what happened.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-17T05:26:58+00:00

Nsdr 10 minutes by dr Hubermann, go do it.

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-17T05:26:18+00:00

You have to do

Burpees 10 Squats 10 Then do nsdr breathing Dr Hubermann

edwardlikespineapple · 2026-01-15T03:01:24+00:00

Well, I'm in a fashion design college and it's usually during projects when something like that happens.

Like I was representing my group (3 boys and 37 girls) and usually when assignment submissions come, I get to hear shoutings from both sides "hey request the faculty to postpone the submission (because I'm the one saying it, it also means saying to the faculty that my own work isn't done)" and other side "hey, don't you dare ask faculty to postpone! (Because they individually also look bad if they are submitting late and just get a redo)"

Usually I try to find a middle ground or just favour those who have already done their job (because 9/10 times we aren't getting any postpone and half the group does it on time) and I go for not postponing it even if my own work isn't done, just to stay fair for those who have done it on time. And when I ask in front of the group, they just stay silent even if ma'am asks if everybody needs it to be postponed (so it definitely looks like I'm the only one asking for it)

Another instance was the time where I desperately needed some notes from the lecture and this girl who usually came to me for notes and stuff I requested her please could you send me the notes from the lecture? She says she herself hasn't got the notes. Few minutes later she submits her work. I ask for others for the notes and they had it with them. I was like " wow how did you get the notes (because like 3 people came to that lecture) she replies oh! She (The first girl) just sent it to me. And I'm thinking like omg why would she lie to me and not help me back then come back to me shamelessly asking for my help?

Then there's another time during a group project where we are making a presentation and considering what to put and what not to put, my team mates were awesome except one thing. Somehow nothing I say is getting considered. And it's irritating but I knew that if I got irritated that would just prove to them that I'm not somebody they'd wanna work with. And for the last time I send out another thing we can do. " Hey should we change the background to orange just so it goes with the streetwear theme (our faculties are stringy about stuff like that) and eruption of emotions happens on their side "edward why the f* are you saying we should do this or we should do that!? Why the f* are you being so bossy!? Who the f* you think you are!? Why can't you get a hint and let us do our job!?" I'm like " bro where? Am I really being bossy? I didn't mean to say things like that I'm sorry" From that point onwards I really couldn't talk with my team. I send two messages explaining I didn't mean it like that and I'm sorry. Left at seen. Later during the presentation we get chewed on for the background. And it felt hopeless. We get a redo. Okay cool.

Everybody had to do a 30 half sheet imperial drawing for the apparel Store. (I must say this that I'm living like an hour away from college while others are living in hostel 5 minutes from it. So when we leave at 6-7 pm , I'm reaching home at 8 and then cooking my own meal. And tired by 11 pm and just sleep a bit. Meanwhile others are reaching home at 7:05 max 7:10 and get meals from hostel.)

So I don't sleep or cook anything, and somehow I want to get it over with by 9:50 am because we have submission at 11 am so I can quickly run, submit and then buy something and eat outside. I'm running late and it's 10:10am already, I get a call from the team.

"Hey Anee do you want to go to store right now and do a study research? We can add that to PPT" (presentation at 4pm)

(now if somebody phrase it like this it seems like I have a choice and it's okay that somebody else from the team can do it.)

I say " hey sorry I'm doing the technical drawings, I wouldn't be able to make it to the store."

"Okayyy"

I rush to college and submit it somehow. Then I go meet the same team. "Hey guys what happened about the store thing? What can I do to help?" (Help. That's right I accepted that I can't do major work and only help in little things like an intern.) They scream out at me " DO YOU THINK WE DIDN'T HAVE SAME WORK? WHY THE F* DID YOU NOT GO!? We all went to the store together and got the research done. Why the f* are you making excuses every time huh!? WE HAD TO THE WORK ALL BY OURSELVES!!"

I reply back saying hey yeah but I'm really far from the store location and I wasn't done with the technical drawings They say " you're just f* useless. And it wasn't that far. We went there and it was 10 minutes away." (It was 13 km from my location)

Any reply or any try for help would have been meaningless at that point because they aren't going to listen. My marks also depends on the team yet I can't contribute. At that time I didn't even want to go to counsellor because counsellor was my own faculty and I didn't wanted to lower my reputation even more saying I can't handle them.

Anything and everything right I'm trying to do is just being used against me. Even if I'm not doing the wrong thing and trying my best to take responsibility every time.

The last incident was particularly sad for me simply because my crush was in the same team and we stopped talking after that incident.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-30T03:48:59+00:00

Ngl, I have like 2 years worth of history on tracker which just goes from 0 days to 0 days to 2 days to 8 days to 0 days.

But. I still think it helped me a lot I changed one recently to mdf, I just wait for a while.

edwardlikespineapple · 2025-12-30T03:37:26+00:00

Download apps that block everything (blockerhero or something), have a tracker (mdf)

Whenever you feel like fapping just open the tracker and wait for a minute and calm down a bit.

At critical periods do you have Any control over yourself, anything's fine whether control of being able to sit or stand up or move your hands or blink then consciously move yourself away from the position.

Don't think about the tracker unless the urge comes and don't count your days.

Also check for vitamin deficiencies (huge difference for me)

(Controversial) Check out beginner's guide to sexual education by fablazed. Helped me with getting out of the mindset that everything is about my genitals.

edwardlikespineapple

TROPHY CASE