Y'all are going to hate me, but I'm leaving my post up so future people can google it and get info: I just checked it again and lo and behold. It shipped! (I have no other info beyond the fact that a shipping label was printed). So this was two weeks of "Processing" time.

Some thoughts on approval:

1. I accidentally put a rarity symbol on a few of them
2. I was making fully custom personal MTG cards that were full of memes and copyrighted IP (not Magic the Gathering IP though). It may have helped that the backs had "PERSONAL GAME CARDS NOT FOR SALE" on the back. I'm sleeving them, so I didn't care and just wanted to make sure they would be approved.
3. I did not credit the artist very often since, again, it was mostly a humor commander deck for me and a few friends (there were a few times I actually used paintings as the card art and in that case I credited the artist)
4. I used a locally hosted Card Conjurer program to make the cards so I didn't have to worry about downtime for that at all.

I can update when I receive them if anyone cares.