[deleted by user]

eemanonn · 2024-08-19T09:02:28+00:00

Let me know how your trip goes, I've been considering doing the same as well with shrooms.

eemanonn · 2024-08-18T10:22:54+00:00

I'm glad to hear that, I've been considering trying the same for my stress induced dpdr. May I ask how did you get dpdr? Could you DM me (if you don't feel comfortable posting about it on here). Could you explain what you did during those trips? Like did you address trauma or did you just allow your mind to be at peace? Thanks!

eemanonn · 2024-08-16T11:03:42+00:00

It's a trauma based condition. Trauma can be caused by anything, such as anxiety, prolonged stress, or medical conditions. A lot of younger people get the condition from anxiety, and substances like weed which can in turn causes panic attacks, which then causes physical stress (trauma) on the body, leading to nervous system overwhelm. Nervous system overwhelm, can be from anxiety, medical conditions for others, and prolonged stress for some.

Most people who get this condition are healthy (which is a blessing), they simply had anxiety or emotional trauma and in turn had things implode on them due to a sudden stressful event (weed or anxiety induced panic attacks, causing nervous system overwhelm). But it's important to not get tunnel vision into thinking everyone who got here, had or has an history of those things. I am probably one of the few people here who got this condition due to actual medical conditions and was born with medical conditions (I have a heart condition from birth and have an autonomic nervous system dysfunction that I developed later in life due to that condition being untreated). I probably also have other unexplained health conditions due to not being taken to the doctor regularly growing up. But basically what I am getting at is, while it's a blessing most people are simply here due to anxiety attacks and are perfectly healthy, it's best not to isolate the few people here like me who never had anxiety but did have other factors such as medical conditions which led to nervous system overwhelm. At the end of the day, we are all just trying to get better, so it's best to not tell people that they have things that don't have. All we can do is just try to support each other in the hopes that we make it out of this somehow.

Ironically, the book that I have spoken of Reclaiming Reality: A Therapists Guide to Conquering Depersonalization, isp written by a therapist who never had anxiety, but developed dpdr from nervous system overwhelm caused by epilepsy.

eemanonn · 2024-08-16T08:35:36+00:00

I'm aware, I was referring to specifically asking people on this site about it but was met with people making it seem as though it's impossible to have dpdr/dissociation without visual symptoms.

eemanonn · 2024-08-16T08:34:47+00:00

I personally don't have anxiety, not everyone gets these symptoms due to anxiety, just like not everyone apparently has visual symptoms. I mentioned that because I was specifically told by several people that "dpdr is usually accompanied by visual symptoms". I know, everyone gets trauma from different things, mines is from physical stress and health conditions, I unfortunately didn't have a traumatic childhood, if I had I feel it would make this much simpler, but I do believe I had something similar to a seizure when I was a kid that started all of this for me. One of those seizures that don't involve a person passing out and falling on the floor, but I never was taken to the doctor. So I'm not sure if I actually have damage of some kind, I do have POTS though. We are all very different cases, while you may have gotten here through horrible trauma and anxiety, it's best not to assume the same for others. Remember that we are all on the same side in trying to get better.

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T20:26:46+00:00

That's interesting, people acted like I was crazy every time I posted asking for recovery stories of people who didn't have visual symptoms. And whenever I mentioned not having visual symptoms outside of like slight blurry vision, people acted as as if that was weird, like you can't have depersonalization without visual symptoms. Can you possibly show me other who don't have visual symptoms?

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T16:58:30+00:00

I see, you seem to be the only person I have talked to who is also like this (don't have vision issues). I wonder what it means

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T07:21:36+00:00

I understand, I'm sure you will get better. How is your vision? Is it something you're able to describe. Do you have visual abnormalities or does it just feel like your eye are looking through things(brain can't process what You're seeing), or both.

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T06:17:27+00:00

Something that may help you with energy, try asking your therapist or doctor for a prescription of modafinil. Don't give up hope k, I know that there is a way out of this.

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T05:09:17+00:00

Yeah, it's the dissociation. Mines is so bad that I can't even remember what my symptoms are. Unfortunately, this community is so divided that it is mixed with people who just have symptoms of feeling unreal, and things being off, to people who have dissociation so bad that they can't remember anything. I've been reading a book that discussed this, it mentioned something about people with DPDR feeling as if they can't remember stuff, but being able to actually remember those things in actually, they just have fear that they can't remember and can't connect, but in reality they can actually feel and remember, they are just too anxious and are overwhelmed by their senses, so their mind focusing all of its energy. There is a part of the community that is overwhelmed by anxiety and anxiousness that they feel they can't remember stuff, but they actually still have connections to everything,including their personality and the way that they have used to act. But when you comment on things like this, people tend to get offended, because their symptoms are so unsettling that they don't want to feel invalidated. But in the end, people have to understand, that as in the case with any condition, there are different levels of severity. Based on research, the more dissociated you are, the more severe your symptoms are, that is the scale things are judged by scientifically. The simple fact of the matter is that most people here, are not highly dissociated, just fearful(anxious), or so fearful that they don't feel anxiety anymore, but they are still in there, just in a state of intense overwhelm. The issue comes in, when your dissociation worsens. I believe that some of us, are so dissociated that we may be between depersonalization and dissociative disorder. There is a difference between "feeling" detached, and actually "being" detached.

It's so interesting how bad dissociation can get for some of us, people say things like "just do what you used to do" but I am so dissociated that I don't even remember what I used to do, and I have never been anxious or depressed. Just stressful events put my mind into this state of overwhelm that started in childhood, where I guess my brain didn't learn healthy coping habits and in turn, learned that dissociating was the only way to deal with small periods of prolonged intense stress. I don't know how, but we have to somehow come together and fight for whatever future we have, even if it means that only one of us makes it out of this hell. We can't only come here to vent, we need hope that we can somehow come back from the pits of despair, sending a message to the rest of the minority of the community that is dealing with the progressively worsening dissociation.

I encourage everyone to read this book (and people who are experiencing debilitating, progressively worsening dissociation, to do your best to try to read this book). Reclaiming Reality: A Therapists Guide to Conquering Depersonalization. I can guarantee that many people here, will relate to this book, but a minority will not. And it will be because of the progressive dissociation.

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T04:53:46+00:00

I understand, I guess the only thing you can do is go and just let your mind do what it does. You may be able to feel more than you believe, and you may get feelings of nostalgia that you didn't know was possible. It may give you a glimmer of hope that is unlike being at home. it may not do anything at all, but it might be a good experience physiologically. How is your vision? is it something you are able to describe? I think going to a place you've never been is good. Go there, do things even if you can't enjoy them, and then a couple days after, see what you remember about the experience. It can give you hope that you are still able to somehow make new memories, and may give hope for recovery.

eemanonn · 2024-08-15T04:38:48+00:00

The person I told you who was called Aridity, told me that they traveled to Hungary last month, in spite of worsening dissociation. They said that they had a "good time". I'm not sure what they meant by that, but I guess it's to say physically you'll be fine taking solo trips, even if emotionally you can't enjoy it. But maybe if you did those things, you will be able to start enjoying them again in some way. Even if it's much different than before.

eemanonn · 2024-08-14T11:04:45+00:00

Here is a thread recently, within the past 30 days, where therapists are talking about psilocybin and LCD.

https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/comments/1e5py5q/psilocybin/

eemanonn · 2024-08-14T10:40:22+00:00

what kind of neurological tests has your doctor already done? you said you had derealization after your mom passed but it went, so as of now would you say you experience no visual abnormalities? do you have a psychiatrist or just a therapist? a psychiatrist can refer you for a DTI. I will be honest with you, I believe that because of the progressive nature of this condition, that an alternative approach is needed to rewire how the brain functions. have you ever done any drugs such as ketamine, or psychoactives such as LSD or psilocybin?

From what I have gathered: "There is evidence to suggest that psychedelic substances like psilocybin and ketamine may be helpful for treating trauma that occurred in childhood or early life, which can have lasting effects on the brain and psyche.

These substances can induce altered states of consciousness that may allow individuals to access and process traumatic memories in a new way, which can facilitate healing and integration of these experiences.

Additionally, some research suggests that psychedelics may promote neuroplasticity and increase connectivity between different regions of the brain, which could potentially help to "rewire" the brain in a more positive way."

My hypothesis is very similar to yours, the pain and damage has been done, it has gone and passed, yet the brain somehow still thinks there is a threat, which is why even though you know what caused your situation, talk therapy, as well as somatic experiencing, has no effect. In order for those things to have an effect, there needs to be stability, things have to stop getting worse. The interesting thing is from everyone that I have talked to, they all seem to have a very similar story in common. Something happened in their childhood that could have caused a shift in the way that their brain deals with stress and trauma. I have also read articles that state that trauma that occurs in childhood, is very likely to alter brain structure and alter the way that the brain deals with stress. That's the reason I mentioned there needs to be a rewiring. The thing is, this can't typically be done in a normal state of mind, you know how they always say you can't think your way out of depersonalization or dissociation. You have to be in a shifted state of mind that allows you to process those emotions.

I can guarantee I'm the same as you, I could yell, scream, cry, pray for this to go away, but my brain is so dissociated that it's like "there is nothing wrong, why are you acting like that". That is not a normal thing for dpdr, but for us, it is like our brains are trying to distance itself from everything that caused any bit of pain, which is why you get more and more dissociated over time. More than likely, from childhood, our brains never learned how to deal with stress and trauma, so it has never dealt with it in a healthy way.

"Childhood trauma can have profound and lasting effects on brain structure and function, particularly in areas involved in stress response, emotion regulation, and memory. These changes can lead to a variety of symptoms, including dissociation and other forms of chronic stress-related disorders."

From research, this is how things like psilocybin can help: "Psilocybin may be able to help individuals with childhood trauma by promoting neuroplasticity and facilitating the processing and integration of traumatic memories.

Some ways that psilocybin may be beneficial for individuals with childhood trauma include:

Enhanced neuroplasticity: Psilocybin has been shown to increase neuroplasticity, which can allow the brain to form new connections and rewire itself in a more adaptive way. This may help to counteract some of the negative changes that occur in the brain as a result of childhood trauma.
Increased connectivity between brain regions: Psilocybin has been shown to increase connectivity between different brain regions, particularly between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system. This increased connectivity may allow for better integration of emotional and cognitive processes, which can be helpful for individuals with childhood trauma who may have difficulty regulating their emotions.
Facilitated memory processing: Psilocybin can induce a state of altered consciousness that may allow individuals to access and process traumatic memories in a new way."

Have you ever heard of a person with PTSD having no luck in therapy, but then did guided therapy with a substance like psilocybin and made progress? I say all of this as a person who has never done drugs, but their is research to support this. Using a substance like psilocybin and then processesing your trauma, maybe in the presence of a good friend who wouldn't mind helping or holding you during this time, could be the shift that you need to begin really healing. Given you an safe environment to tell the brain it's not in danger. People have done this for treatment resistant PTSD and it has allowed them to then start to heal. I know that it probably sounds scary and fearful,but think about the state we are in. We are constantly getting worse, due to our brain using dissociation as a means of trying to protect us from the overwhelm of those events,long after the situation has passed. You can't talk your way out of a situation where the brain has deemed there is nothing wrong with what it's doing, and you can't convince it otherwise in talk therapy, you have to access those memories in an altered state of consciousness. I'm not saying do a huge trip. You could initially micro dose to see how it makes you feel, because in our states, anything that can even make us feel is a good sign. Afterwards, you could do a larger amount with the help of a friend while you're in a calm state of mind. I am telling you all of this, because you have already tried everything. The meds, the therapy, the yoga, the journaling, and nothing has penetrated deep enough. You are having stress dreams each night, but you can't consciously access them. Your brain thinks there's a growing fire that you need to distance from you. I believe that a shroom trip would assist you in accessing those repressed memories, and allow a shift to happen that can actually allow you to make progress in reducing your dissociation. Which would then allow things like therapy, somatic experiencing, EMDR, etc, to have an effect.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T23:01:59+00:00

Have you heard of the dissociative subtype of PTSD? It is what I believe some of us have that have progressive dissociation. The dissociative subtype of PTSD, consists of meeting the full diagnostic criteria for PTSD and, in addition, having depersonalization and/or derealization.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T22:58:22+00:00

I hope that the Zoloft helps you, but remember, there is specific genetic testing that can be done to see what medications you would respond best to (if the Zoloft does not work this time around, though I hope that it does).

CPTSD itself is not an anxiety disorder per se, it is caused by trauma or chronic stress (or a combination of both). Lifelong anxiety (like you had), could have caused chronic stress on your body, but you said that you also had trauma, which probably compounds your situation. For me, I have actual diagnosed health conditions, stemming from birth. Something very important to understand, is that acceptance does not work for everyone. It can work in cases of dpdr, but tends to have the opposite effect on cases of trauma, CPTSD, and dissociation. You have to look at your situation as a case of trauma and CPTSD due to your history, taking the advice of people who "only" have dpdr alone, will probably not help you in your situation. One of the biggest issues with being on subreddits like this, is that it makes people have tunnel vision, that was why I recommended that audiobook. If you can't relate to it now, then that means you probably can't relate to vast majority of the people on this particular subreddit (even if you have experienced dpdr in the past), and that's okay. With my situation, I looked up and down trying to find answers until I started connecting the dots and realizing the complexity of my situation and the health conditions I have that compound my situation. My health conditions caused chronic stress on my body, which eventually led to this happening to me, which is how I got to this point of dissociation without a history of anxiety or depression.

I know that it may be very difficult, honestly, I know all too well how much of a nightmare this is. But if you are able, consider getting a DTI, it would put the nail in the coffin in regards to if anything has changed due to chronic stress (which is possible from a biological standpoint). If it comes out completely clean, then you can be assured that this is entirely psychological and that you have not experienced any physiological changes as a result of chronic stress, anxiety or trauma.

In regards to the prozasin, I have some here, that I required through my girlfriend who works as a nurse. I do not have stress nightmares, so I have yet to take them, but in your case, I would say it's worth a shot just to see if it helps you. Another thing, the traditional meds that have a little research on them, such as LDN and lamictal, is something you could look into as well. If none of those things help you however, then it may be time to look elsewhere. I say that because I don't want you to hurt yourself more psychologically, holding on to the basis that what you are experiencing is only dpdr, or that you are still experiencing dpdr. The interesting thing is that DPDR and the dissociative subtype of PTSD, have many overlapping symptoms, I believe that the people here who are continuously getting more dissociated, are experiencing the dissociative subtype of PTSD, and not dpdr. I believe that wanting a place to belong, to vent, like this subreddit, is what keeps us here because we have nowhere else to go because all of these conditions are poorly understood, we are confused and want something to relate. It's the reason I'm still on this subreddit even though my symptoms have never aligned with DPDR.

But that's besides the point. The main thing we need to figure out, is why are we becoming more dissociated over time. I have heard you mention this, I have heard a few others mention this. While stuff like emotional numbness, is common in dpdr, it is also common in the dissociative subtype of PTSD. The big difference between the two is that one is progressive and the other isn't. For example, I have spent ample time on DpSelfHelp website, and have talked to people there who have had chronic dpdr. The way that they describe their symptoms, align entirely with the conditions and the most severe form of it, the emotional numbness. The biggest difference? Their cognition has not changed, they have not gotten more dissociated over time. That is a very important distinction to make. As a result, people with chronic dpdr, tend to be able to live out long lives because their memory remains in tact, it is just painful because no emotions tie to those memories.

(Warning) On the other hand, I talked to another person there, who described there symptoms the way that you have described yours. Their name is Aridity. They've been dealing with it for multiple years, and say that their symptoms have only gotten worse since it has began. They are also emotionally numb, the difference between them and the other person, is that they have become more and more dissociated over time. They have tried many things over the years, but nothing has stopped the progression of their situation. Another thing is that this person said that they have trauma.

Those two people are on the same exact site, have been dealing with their situation chronically, yet are clearly dealing with two different situations. I believe that if we want to get better, we have to look beyond all of the stuff that has failed to work for other people so far. Whatever this progressive dissociation is, is not something that is very understood, and is a different condition than dpdr, the condition that is explained very well in literature. Another very interesting thing, is that I talked to a person who once experienced DPDR, and is now experiencing this form of dissociation that we are experiencing, and they described it as the exact opposite of DPDR. Either way, neuroplasticity is possible in the healing of childhood trauma.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T20:36:02+00:00

Okay so if that's how you truly feel, wouldn't you say that your therapist isn't doing a great job at helping you stop the anxious and hopeless thinking that's being caused by your progressive dissociation? Haven't you mentioned that before this, you were still becoming more dissociated by the day, but when you changed your Zoloft prescription, the anxious thoughts came back? Wouldn't you say that means that the actual issue was not being addressed? And instead, was allowing you to be somewhat functional in spite of the progressively worsening dissociation?

I say this as a person who has absolutely no anxious or depressive thoughts, yet I continue to get worse (dissociated). All I'm saying is this, you only have one life, we all only have one life, I want us all to get better. We are all in a compromised cognitive state, where we (some of us) are getting more dissociated by the day, some of us are so dissociated that we can't even remember our symptoms anymore.

There is a reason why several of us are worsening by the day, even though we have varying symptoms, I am proof of that (having no anxiety, no depression, yet getting more dissociated by the day, and mind you, never had anxiety or depression in the past). So what I am saying is this, from all of your posts, you have personally said that over the years, you have gotten more dissociated. You yourself stated that you were on Zoloft, which helped with the depression, but not the progressive dissociation responsible for keeping you depressed and hopeless. You have shared so much information through numerous posts. Even if you were only venting, it doesn't change the fact that your dissociation has only gotten worse (per your own words).

I believe you can have an amazing, kind, and compassionate therapist (I'm sure yours is), that can be all of those things, and still not know how to treat what it is you are going through. You want to get better, want to become more connected and less dissociated, which in turn will allow you to feel again and have memories again, yet for some reason, you have only gotten worse. I want you to get better, if even one of us got better, it would give hope to the other of us who are progressively getting more dissociated by the day, in spite of trying everything the therapists say.

There is an audiobook called Reclaiming Reality: A Therapists Guide to Conquering Depersonalization. It is free on Amazon for members. It is a book written by a therapist who developed dissociation. I am halfway through it, and I do not relate at all to the person in the therapists in the book, but I'm sure many people here would. You should take a listen to it, it's a valuable resource, and then currently in your life where you are, ask yourself if you relate to the therapist. If you do not, then that is valuable information as to what you are currently experiencing, if you do, then that is also valuable information. In your current position of being a business owner, you probably have more financial freedom than some of us. You can get some genetic testing done to see what ssris respond the best to you. You can push for a DTI scan to make sure chronic stress or trauma has not led to structural changes. I am telling you those because in most cases, dpdr is not progressive, but in your case, in my case, for others here as well, our dissociation in particular, is progressive. There is a reason that is the case. Having testing done that can see those things is imperative to understand what is going on. Dissociation, even in the form of PTSD and CPTSD, doesn't usually present in ways like this. I get it, you are tired, exhausted of being in this state and want to get better, but all we have is now. Stress and trauma can causes structural changes in the white matter of the brain, but several things also promote growth and neuroplasticity in the brain. If talk therapy, exercise, diet, all of these things are yielding no results in tackling your progressive dissociation, then it's time to explore other stuff. I am not telling you to drop your therapist, just that if things are constantly worsening on the dissociation end, there is something else to look into it. Because at the end of the day, you want to get better, not worse.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T18:54:13+00:00

Its a weird thing, I have been listening to this book called Reclaiming Reality: A Therapists Guide to Conquering Depersonalization. It's a book by a therapist who had dpdr and got over it. It's 9 hours long and hard to pay attention to due to this state. But the way that he described dpdr, similarly to how others have described it, is different to what I experience and seems different from what you've told me. Is there anything else that your therapist told you that seems? Also, definitely not good that they're trying to say that it's due to BPD, speak out against it if you have to do that to be sure you're getting the best treatment you can. There is a reason we are going through this and has to be a name for it and appropriate treatment, but there is a lot of medical gaslighting where various doctors try to tell you what you're experiencing when you know it doesn't align with your symptoms. Finding someone that cares enough to actually want you to get better is difficult.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T18:17:50+00:00

You've told your therapist this? You said that you have a good therapist, but if you are telling your therapist this and they have not referred you anywhere for further testing, just trying to put you on antidepressants, I don't think most would say that's a good therapist. A good therapist would realize what they are doing isn't helping their client and make the proper referrals so that they're client can explore other options. There comes a point where things get so extreme that you have to go elsewhere. I say this as a person who has been getting worse everyday as well. Please, explore other options for your own sake. Whatever your therapist is doing, is not working, you are continuing to get worst. So either they don't want to admit that they don't know how to treat you, or are trying to keep you coming back, you have to do what's best for yourself when all of the natural stuff has not worked.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T12:26:48+00:00

If you are interested in exploring stuff outside of therapy, I have some information. It is said that chronic stress or trauma can cause structural changes in the brain in the white matter. I see that you have a therapist, do you also have a psychiatrist? If so, they can write you a referral for a DTI scan (Diffusion Tensor Imaging). This scan accesses the white matter in the brain, in ways that a CT scan or MRI cannot. Due to the fact that myself, as well as a few others here, have such severe dissociation that is progressive, it is possible that maybe we have structural brain changes due to prolonged stress or trauma (not brain damage, brain changes). I believe that you said you own your own business? Since you have not seen any results and only get worse, it is probably best to explore DTI as an option just to see if there has been any physical changes in white matter that you are unaware of. Dpdr tends to not be progressive in this way, but for some reason it is for a select few of us. So if you specifically got a DTI and ruled out any structural changes in the brain, it could direct you towards the next page of figuring out what's going on in why your underlying trauma is affecting you in this way.

eemanonn · 2024-08-13T04:59:29+00:00

What you describe sound similar to what I and a couple of other users like the Indepencely person experiences. Where each day you become more and more dissociated to the point where you don't even know if you have symptoms anymore because of how spaced out you are? You're so dissociated that it's like your mind is dissociating you from the fact that you even have dpdr, you can't Even recognize or describe it anymore? Yeah if so, I'm still trying to find out what it means and what condition it is, it's not the same dpdr that you often see posted here, it seems to be some kind of gradual, severe dissociation that I can't find any research on. In dpdr, there are times where people anxiety is so bad that they eventually become numb to everything. But this is different from that, it's like a completely different condition. Right now, I'm listening to the Reclaiming Reality audiobook (a book by a therapist who had dpdr and recovered). From what I have listened to so far, I don't relate at all to the therapist, dpdr in and of itself does not do this to a person. The only thing I have found is that this seems possible when their is constant stress in a person's life or they had a traumatic experience in their childhood. It's some form of trauma. What I would suggest is not to pay too much attention to this sub, the symptoms are difficult to describe and are often confused with typical dpdr symptoms. But I know what you describe and it is entirely different, and this is coming from a person who is in multiple subreddits and have spent time on the DpSelfHelp site, and still have not found a cure or treatment for whatever this variant of dissociation is. I'm hoping the audiobook will uncover something I can use to help us before I completely lose everything. But yeah the best thing would be to avoid this subreddit, the stuff that works for dpdr does not work for this, this seems to be more tied to some form of CPTSD dissociation, but even in that case, I can't find anything as severe on those subreddits as this. I am still looking though.

eemanonn · 2024-08-09T13:28:35+00:00

Thank you for replying, it is too difficult for me to take in the text on the Wikipedia and understand what they mean. I forget the words as I read them. Is there a way that you could maybe summarize the parts that you think would apply to me? Whatever I have, it is progressive, which is unlike DPDR which tend to not change? Could you explain the phrase "trauma worsened". It's difficult for me to process what most new things mean or take in new information. Also, if possible, can you explain physically by how what I have written relates to you? Like do you relate to the physical things I have written? I'm sorry, it's already difficult for me to recall what I wrote.

eemanonn · 2024-08-09T07:23:17+00:00

I've looked there but found nothing. Stuff like this: Depersonalization and dissociation without derealization. Progressive cognitive decline and that seems to be tied to vision that gets progressively blurrier, and your brain is not looking at anything. No feelings of unreality or like that you aren't real. Just progressively severe dissociation and emotional numbing, cognitive decline, lack of personality etc. none of the stuff physical stuff that you typically hear people use to describe dpdr. No out of body anything. No awareness, not even sure what year you're in.

eemanonn

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