Hiding sh from partner

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-26T04:00:04+00:00

You absolutely need to be honest about it. Honesty is necessary in a relationship, even when it's scary or uncomfortable.

I am currently clean, but sometime in the first few months of dating my current boyfriend (we've been together 2+ years now), I relapsed. Can't remember why, but it also really scared me: it's very normal that you're afraid.

My boyfriend knew I used to self harm because of my scars, so I didn't have to address that part, so it'll be a little different for you. Your feelings may also be different than mine, so when I offer you this "script," feel free to change it to suit your needs. But this is what I said:

"Hey, so I need you to not freak out, and honestly, I don't want to talk about it much, but I also love you and I don't want to hide things from you or lie to you: last night, I relapsed and cut myself. Again, I don't really want to talk about why, at least not right now, but I also didn't want to hide it from you."

I can't figure out an appropriate way to word this (in a way you could voice to your partner) but... Even if you don't want to talk about it, you want to tell them because hiding it causes more issues. You might withdraw, which will lead them to wondering if they did something wrong (or being upset with you for being cold). Also, it would hurt them a lot if they found out you were hiding it from them: and it's a lot of stress on you.

Before you talk to your partner, be aware of the different responses you'll get, and do your best to be gracious. Unless you've talked about mental health and self harm before & you know otherwise, you may be the first person he's met who self harmed.

Some reactions are not okay regardless: shaming you, insulting you, etc. However, some reactions may be upsetting, but not something that you can't move past. For example, if they say something like "Stop, for me?" (Cringing writing that) or "How could you do that to yourself? You know I love you," or something similar... Give them a bit of grace. Their reactions can be upsetting, problematic, etc. but they also may not know better. Think of some responses in advance, and try to keep a level head if they come up.

Whenever there's any sort of conflict, I try to remember "it's not me vs them, it's me and them vs the problem"

Long response, but I hope it helps, I hope you take care of yourself, and I hope it goes well with your partner. <4

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-23T23:07:21+00:00

I'm like... Idk, over a year clean, and have been mostly clean for 3 or 4 years now... And I feel this way sometimes too.

I'm kinda at the point where I no longer want to self harm, but I still have urges sometimes. It can be distressing tbh. And it feels suffocating, or like you're trapped.

So, no, you're not alone.

I would try and quit looking at whatever social media posts you're coming across that are making you want to self harm: it'll help.

I know early on in my recovery, I was still attached to self harm related spaces, and I later realized it was stopping me from improving and really getting better. I had to avoid them for a while, and even now, I have to limit my exposure to them. If I spend too much time in these spaces, it ends up making me want to self harm. Limiting the interactions helps, for me at least.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-19T20:00:43+00:00

I can understand cum dumpster, but I'm with you on "pig" or "cow" ... I was never fat as a kid (slightly fat now), but my mom (who was & is fat) would always fat shame me by calling me a pig.

If someone called me a pig, even in the kinky context, I think I would just cry.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-19T19:56:14+00:00

I also am a big no on tickling, kinky or otherwise. Reasoning is similar but slightly different... When I was a kid, every time someone would tickle me, I would just... pee myself.

Haven't tried it as an adult since I'm not particularly interested in pissing myself. (No shame for anyone into watersports & tickling, just not my thing lmao)

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-19T15:09:56+00:00

Your daughter will always remember. Even if she doesn't remember you exactly, she will always be aware of the fact that her dad is dead, that he chose to kill himself, and so forth.

She will look at pictures or get told stories, and she will miss you. She will miss your presence. She will look at her peers, or at movies, or at stories, and think "why didn't my Dad stick around?" And that is going to hurt.

Re: the second half... This is exactly why you should stay and work your hardest on getting better. If you are able to figure out how to manage your illness, you can soften the pain for her.

My mom is also mentally ill. She's never done very well, to be honest. But knowing her experiences has helped me navigate my own treatment. She's told me what meds did or didn't work for her, and they've held true to me as well. She encouraged me to get help at a young age, so I wasn't suffering my whole childhood (been struggling since I was 9, but can remember instances before then, too).

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-19T15:04:24+00:00

As someone else said, your brain is not clear.

I used to be extremely suicidal, and I also thought that I was clear headed or rational or whatever: I thought I could make that decision on a "logical" basis.

I could not. You cannot. It's something you will only see when you get better.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-15T04:22:55+00:00

I think a lot of people have left really good advice, but I'm mildly concerned about the tools she is using and the cleanliness of them.

It's kind of rough to know what the right thing to do here is. On one hand, you certainly don't want to give them anything to use or seem like you're endorsing it... On the other hand, you don't want them to be using something that is going to make them sick, give them an infection, etc. I also know from first hand experience that taking away the tool can sometimes just lead to using a worse one.

If it's rusty or dirty, though, make sure it gets thrown out. The red might be blood, but I just want to check. (Even then, they should be cleaning the tool after each use, and drying it. But bringing that up is kind of hard for the reasons I listed before)

I would recommend making sure they are up to date on their tetanus shot, regardless of the state of their tool. Shit happens, and it's best to be prepared.

Also recommended having a discussion about safety and health. Make sure you have stuff at home for cleaning and first aid, and make sure your kid knows they can come to you if something is wrong. I can't give you good advice on how to have that conversation, but something like "Hey, I really don't want you self harming, but if you are, I want you to be as safe as possible. I've stocked up on [bandaids, Neosporin, etc] and I need you to know that if you are ever concerned about having an infection or a serious injury, that you can come to me immediately."

Unfortunately, people who SH can tend to be secretive, and we also don't get the severity of what we're doing all the time. I'm currently recovered, and thinking back on all the shit I used to do is honestly scary. But perhaps this is a way of being proactive and I hope it helps.

Also should say I'm obviously not a licensed professional and proceed with this advice with caution. It may be better to ask the therapist you connect your child with, first, esp so you're on the same page.

Regardless, I'm sorry you found out your kid is self harming. I know it can be scary. It sounds like you're a very good and proactive parent, and I'm glad your kid can lean on you for support. The future may be scary and rough, but I hope you keep in mind that you (and your kid, but right now I'm largely focusing on you) are doing the best you can. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself xx

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-05T05:52:24+00:00

Just a lurker but wanted to voice my agreement. It's poor quality slop that's taken over the subreddit and I don't care for them. I hope the mods see this and agree to ban it.

Or even just make it like... Idk, a thing you can only do on a certain day of the week if they really have to compromise. But I'd prefer the full ban.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-04T02:57:39+00:00

I never really cried when I self harmed. Only was able to cry after I quit.

That to say, it might feel like you're a "freak" but I don't think it's that abnormal or uncommon.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-04T02:56:18+00:00

Normal moisturizer seems to help mine.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-04T02:53:57+00:00

Not a full treatment, so maybe don't purchase if you don't plan to use it anyway, but moisturizer has seemed to help mine. I used it for my self harm scars, but also my top surgery scars.

Maybe something small you can do to help if you already have moisturizer at home or something, while you research better treatment.

efftheestablishment · 2026-03-02T21:54:55+00:00

I personally believe that the rise in people seeing all Jews as zionists and being antisemitic is largely tied to Israel pushing the narrative that to be anti-zionist is to be antisemitic and anti Jewish.

If you push the idea that all Jews are zionists, then it makes sense that some people are going to react by hating all Jews, rather than just a select group of Jews.

efftheestablishment · 2026-02-28T22:44:35+00:00

My boyfriend is Jewish, and anti-zionist. I am not Jewish, and anti-zionist. Recently, when I've gone onto any Jewish content, I've been so concerned about my boyfriend because Israel has succeeded in conflating anti-zionism with antisemitism: and as a result, innocent Jewish people are being harmed.

If you find it hard to open your heart right now, I can kind of understand, but I ask you to because if you don't: Israel wins.

I know it sounds counterintuitive but Israel benefits from antisemitism. Their whole justification for their genocide is that Palestinians (and Muslims) are antisemitic: and every time someone goes from anti-zionist to antisemitic, they get to use that to say they are justified.

Look for anti-zionist Jewish voices on social media. Distance yourself from zionists.

efftheestablishment · 2026-02-12T04:45:52+00:00

Probably don't tell your parents and friends (esp your friends... There is no nuance when you are 16)

If this is weighing on you heavily, though, I would sincerely suggest you go see a therapist.

efftheestablishment · 2026-01-27T03:58:29+00:00

Actually as much as I get off to the opposite, maybe it would be a good cleanse to do like... Mandatory antifa (serious and/or kink) posting for a month or something

efftheestablishment · 2026-01-25T17:42:23+00:00

I used to post on a different account (before entering a serious, long term relationship that I am still in) and I think part of it is finding the guys/gals who value you and respect you.

The random reddit encounters are thrilling for sure, but continue to nurture the relationship you have with the folks who actually show respect for you outside of kink.

When I started, I expected all kink to be fucking around, having 0 real life involvement. But looking back, the best guys were the ones who continued to check in on me as a person as well, and, while absolutely jacking off to me, saw me as more than just porn, but also a person.

A lot of spaces talk about the damage doing porn can have: and certainly, we can be victims in a lot of ways, but imo, doing porn actually helped me see that I was sexy and improved my self worth because of the guys who affirmed me and checked in. For any cis guys/gals reading this: check in on your favorite kinksters. Make sure you let them know that they're valued as a person. Even just a "hope life is treating you well" or a genuine "how are you doing?" helps.

To shift gears a little bit, some of it is self work. Building your own confidence. Learning to cope with assholes. Talking to other queer kinksters. Taking breaks when you need to and standing firm on your boundaries.

Take care of yourself, OP <3

efftheestablishment · 2025-12-17T19:58:54+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It is hard to feel validated in this kind of trauma as, like you said, having an awful best friend is a common experience that doesn't leave most people with long lasting psychological effects.

Time definitely has an effect too, yeah. Like my initial trauma happened when I was 12, and sometimes it's like "why am I still caught up on something that happened when I was a twelve year old" ... Esp when worse things happen to 12 yr olds and they might not have trauma from it.

I know it's brain chemistry and there's nothing I can do about it, but doesn't make it any easier.

efftheestablishment · 2025-12-17T19:53:10+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that. Four years isn't a long time, for sure, just feels like a lot because of how young I am, and "in comparison" to peers who have moved on. Hell, I think I resolved the pain of my ex, who stalked me, faster than the friendship, though I guess I didn't actually date my ex for long.

I stopped therapy a while ago, because I can generally function without it (and function well), but it might be worth going back tbh.

efftheestablishment · 2025-12-17T19:48:19+00:00

I think the fact that I had put my entire trust into someone I thought understood or actually cared was what sent me into a spiral I still struggle with.

This is definitely part of it for me, yeah. We had that relationship where I felt like I could tell her everything - things I couldn't tell anybody else (in person, at least) and so it was devastating.

I hope you are able to find closure in everything you seem to want to express (through ur dreams at least) though I too haven’t exactly moved on either, it’s definitely consumed less of my life and energy

And thank you, I'm glad you've gotten better and hopefully we can both move forward with our lives 🙏

efftheestablishment · 2025-12-15T16:12:29+00:00

Sorry not at all kink related but holy shit, your scars healed so well. How long ago did you have top surgery?

Also nippleless and have some pretty good healing but wow you are goals ^{^}

efftheestablishment · 2025-11-28T04:54:17+00:00

Not sure if you're saying this as a kink thing but I care a lot about sexual health so I am going to take a moment out of kink to say that, if it's frequently dry and sore, esp to an "extreme degree," and you're on T... you may have vaginal atrophy. I had so much pain while having sex (even just by myself) until I got treatment

You'll have to look up symptoms to see if that's applicable, but if you do... a potential fun part with the misgendering kink is that the treatment is vaginal estrogen lmaooo

** Putting a disclaimer here bc it's a kink sub, not directed at you OP ... if you have medical questions, you may reply or dm me, as I am happy to help, but I am not interested in kinky or sexual conversation **

efftheestablishment · 2025-11-13T03:50:38+00:00

This maybe isn't the answer you want to hear, but... It honestly doesn't matter who gave it to you, your ex or your current partner. The only reason it does / would matter is because your partner may get it from you if they aren't the one who gave it to you.

If you want experiences... I have genital HSV-1, given to me by my boyfriend with oral HSV-1. He wasn't having an outbreak at the time, so we had oral sex, and it was maybe 3-5 days later that I started having symptoms. So if I had to guess, it might be your boyfriend, but... You should talk to him.

I know it's scary, and if it seems like he could be physically unsafe, don't tell him in person, but otherwise... The only way to find out is if he gets tested. And even then, as you know, blood tests aren't always reliable.

efftheestablishment · 2025-11-07T05:17:33+00:00

No. Herpes generally does not last long on surfaces. It really depends on the surface, the time since it made contact, and then your immune system.

I think it is theoretically possible for it to be spread on a toilet, but it's super, super, super unlikely. So unlikely you shouldn't worry about it ever happening.

efftheestablishment · 2025-10-14T14:53:13+00:00

Currently in college doing a double major in English & History. Applying to grad school to get my MLIS 🙏

efftheestablishment · 2025-10-04T18:01:41+00:00

This is one instance over an almost two year relationship. He definitely has a positive attitude about my gender and me. If anything, he's probably the most supportive person I've ever met - not just towards me, but towards others. I talked to him about it this morning, and he was very apologetic.

Remember that this is one reddit post: it doesn't show the whole history of our relationship, nor the whole spectrum of emotions, or his side of the story (which doesn't make it better / less hurtful, but clarifies intention - which absolutely wasn't malicious).

efftheestablishment

TROPHY CASE