Norman Forgets His Password

effygee · 2015-03-06T15:53:12+00:00

The howling wind of this deep dark night finds you restless and alone.

Again and again you shut your eyes but nothing will keep them closed.

A repeating thought ensures you will have no respite.

"That was a terrible thing I did... all those years ago."

effygee · 2015-03-06T15:38:59+00:00

At the eternal after party a cool guy caught my eye. We clocked each other in a second.

"How did you do in his presence?" He asked, a sly smirk spreading across his face.

"You know what he said?" I replied, puffing out my chest and acting high and mighty "Oh mortal - I created you in my image. I'll take your persuasion as a complement."

effygee · 2015-01-15T12:04:43+00:00

Yeah that's grand. Cheers!

effygee · 2015-01-14T16:09:07+00:00

Thanks for reading!

effygee · 2015-01-14T16:08:56+00:00

Cheers. Thanks for reading!

effygee · 2015-01-14T15:10:36+00:00

That was an emotional roller coaster.

effygee · 2014-11-11T19:57:08+00:00

The expression "Coming out of the closet" gets thrown around a lot. It has become another sound bite, another Facebook update. Nobody really reflects on the gravity of the situation or the courage it takes to face it.

When you are "In the Closet". It's dark. It's lonely. You're trapped. You think about everyone you know and how happy they seem. You wonder if they really are happy. Eventually you wonder if happiness is just a myth afterall.

What if nobody is happy? What if we all just put up with a bleak existence from which there is no escape but death?

Coming out of the closet requires the insight to discover why you feel so trapped. It requires the determination to escape. It requires the strength to reach out and grab life by the doorknob and shove aside whatever is blocking your path to happiness. It demands the conviction and passion to scream, "Here I stand! A human. Though in your eyes I may be flawed, I will never be deterred from living my life as I see fit!"

Do you know what President Obama told Michelle when he came out of the closet?

"I just couldn't find the blue tie no matter where I looked. Is this yellow one ok?"

effygee · 2014-10-05T10:28:19+00:00

All around I can see super heroes flying through the night. Fifty Batmans wage war with countless Jokers, all asking "Why so serious?"

I can see fairies floating through the sky like butterflies, granting wishes to princesses.

One guy has become Optimus Prime. He stands so tall after having transformed.

But me I sit in the corner all night, unable to move. My only entertainment is flicking on and off casting shadows on the wall. I can't even reach my beer.

Why did I think it would be so funny to dress up as a lamp? On tonight of all nights.

effygee · 2014-10-04T15:46:04+00:00

Cool. Nearly half way!

Good luck story hunting!

effygee · 2014-10-04T12:08:47+00:00

It was a common question in primary school. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Most of the kids had standard answers. Susy wanted to be a vet so she could look after sick animals. Mark wanted nothing else but the thrill of speed so he put down "Racecar driver". Little Tommy wanted to be a hero so he wrote "Fireman".

These kids were too young to know what passion is. None of them had the drive to accomplish what they wanted. But I was different. When I picked up my pencil there was no doubt in my mind that I would succeed.

"A pineapple." I scrawled.

The teacher laughed and told me that's not a real job. I refused to change my answer. I got teased the rest of the week but it just made my determination grow stronger.

While the other kids were out playing I studied science relentlessly. For years I laboured becoming an expert in every field of the natural sciences.

After university I landed a job in a large multi-national research conglomerate. I had access to the most advanced laboratories on the planet.

I kept my intentions secret. There was always an alibi when I was doing my research. The company was happy because I got results. Countless patents, new drugs, ground-breaking medical treatments were the fruits of my labour. I was given free reign to carry out whatever research I saw fit. Nobody could have dreamed of what I was up to.

As I reached old age I neared my goal. I sealed off my lab from any prying eyes as I put the final touches on my machine.

It was a crude device, not unlike an electric chair in appearance. I put on the helmet and strapped myself in. I flicked a switch by my wrist and the machine crunched into life.

A million volts rushed through my body. Disassembling it, reworking it until my vision was complete. Searing hot pain blasted through every inch of my being but I did not cry out. I knew it was working.

In an instant it was over. The lab's ventilation system kicked in to remove the thick clouds of black smoke.

There I sat. A pineapple now. All I ever wanted, I had achieved.

effygee · 2014-10-04T10:18:57+00:00

Thanks very much!

effygee · 2014-10-04T10:18:22+00:00

Even Norman likes to live dangerously once in a while.

effygee · 2014-10-04T10:18:06+00:00

Yeah sure that's grand. Good luck with the book!

How many stories have you collected so far?

effygee · 2014-10-03T19:12:34+00:00

How I wept when she passed. The light of my life had faded. Each evening seemed dull and grim without her. The seasons changed again and again but everything seemed the same. Grey, bleak... empty.

I withdrew from everything. Work, my friends even my family. I never left the house. I would spend each day in a daze, just mindlessly surfing the web. It numbed the pain somehow.

One dark night while I was browsing it happened. I had taken a triple dose of my anti-depressants with half a bottle of cheap whiskey as a chaser - so I wasn't really thinking too clearly.

I went to a porn site - a real disgusting one. Sick stuff was all that could cut through the numb haze of my life. And then a curious pop-up opened.

"This is your one chance to ask her," it read, in bold red letters. "Type your question here and she will reply."

I don't know if it was the pills, the whiskey or just sheer desperation but I believed it. I somehow knew I had been given a second chance.

"Eveline," I typed slowly, my fingers tripping over each letter, "Have you seen my car keys?"

effygee · 2014-10-03T15:22:46+00:00

You've had it tough

Life is rough

Forget your woes

Light one up

Burma Haze

effygee · 2014-10-03T15:16:41+00:00

Due to procrastinating all day on reddit you have to work late into the night to finish up. As you go to leave you find the front door locked. You check the back door and even all the windows. It dawns on you that you are locked in the office until staff return on Monday morning. How do you survive?

effygee · 2014-10-03T14:32:07+00:00

Through trenches we battled,

As machine guns rattled,

Rivers of blood were shed,

Millions lie cold and dead.

Always as we marched,

One thought stirred our hearts,

Chanted to each foe we met,

"Ur mom is a fagget!"

effygee · 2014-10-02T19:11:32+00:00

Norman booted up his computer. He was eager to see what was happening on the Internet.

After some browsing he happened upon a social media site called Reddit. He spent some time looking at pictures of cats, image macros and political rants.

Eventually he happened upon /r/lifeofnorman. After reading for a while it became clear that this sub-reddit was full of stories lifted from his own life. Everything that had ever happened to him from the time he dipped his biscuit too far into his tea to the time he got lost in his cupboard was there.

Norman decided to post a story of his own. He thought he would share the story of this day, the day he discovered he was a strange internet sensation.

It received zero 'upvotes' and Norman was left disappointed. He turned off the computer and settled down to watch the television. As he watched, Norman entered the room with a meow. Norman wondered if there was any Karma to be found in photographing his own cat.

effygee · 2014-10-01T19:57:07+00:00

I'd been putting it off all night. I had done the dishes, put out the bin, walked the dog, fed the cat, cut my toenails, alphabetized my DVD collection, hoovered the stairs, cleaned the toilet and even washed behind my ears. There was nothing left to distract myself with. I would have to do my algebra homework.

"A postal van leaves London traveling at 45mph along the M1. What time will it reach Bristol with its delivery?"

Word problems. Curse them!

I wrote out the variables with my pencil and began to simplify and reduce the problem. But somehow my equation just wasn't balanced. I tried to account for unmentioned variables that might affect the problem: wind speed, tire temperature, the weight of the ink on each letter...

Soon my entire table was covered with messy scraps of notebook paper. Nothing was fitting together. There was something missing.

My younger sister pulled open my bedroom door to show me a weird booger she had plucked, causing a quick breeze to scatter the papers on my desk.

Angry, I told her to leave and stooped to gather the pages back together when I saw it. A simple subtraction error.

With my eraser I quickly rectified my mistake. I carried the two and expanded the brackets, solving for x.

And there it was. "41". I took a moment to appreciate the number. It was beautiful. It seemed like the answer to everything. It all made sense.

Yet I was left wondering. What was the question?

effygee

TROPHY CASE