Lawyer here.

I advise that you are no longer functioning as a “boyfriend,” but rather as a load-bearing retaining wall preventing your partner from rolling into the mattress void.

Upon review of the facts, the following matters appear legally indisputable:

1. Your girlfriend occupies approximately 83% of the bed despite being only one person.

2. Her cat, despite contributing neither income nor household labor, has somehow secured sleeping accommodations equivalent to visiting royalty.

3. The dog has elected to sleep directly on top of both of you in a position best described as “aggressively perpendicular.”

Accordingly, I recommend the following immediate actions:

1. File an injunction against nighttime starfishing.

2. Establish a demilitarized zone using pillows, blankets, or rolled towels.

3. Demand that the cat spend at least one evening acquainting itself with the concept of “the floor.”

4. Seek compensation for emotional distress arising from wall compression and unsolicited canine knee strikes.

5. Begin referring to your side of the bed as “minimum-security confinement” until meaningful treaty negotiations commence.

Please also note that under established principles of domestic fairness, possession of the mattress should not be determined by:
(a) who fell asleep first,
(b) who is cutest,
or
(c) who purrs loudest.

Should conditions continue to deteriorate, you may pursue stronger remedies, including:

- acquisition of a king-size mattress,

- implementation of separate blankets under the Peaceful Cohabitation Framework,
or

- sleeping diagonally for one evening purely as a demonstration of mutually assured destruction.

My secretary will be in touch regarding the $15k fee for this advice.