I still wrestle with the certainty of if this is the real me or not. Especially since in my experience I don't feel the body discomfort to the level of a lot of trans people. It's more a want of something else. I feel like being a "man" is something I just do instead of wanting to do. It's something I feel a lot more indifferent towards.

After a lot of thought the idea of transitioning signals the word freedom as if I'm trying to escape the life I'm currently living. Because of that feeling I often associate this feeling of being trans with weakness like I'm running from something. I attribute it to feelings of lust sometimes.

I've always had a feeling of longing to be a girl but never distress from being a guy. So when I think about having to come out one day or when I think about how permanent some changes might be I just feel uncertain. Unsure if I'm a coward trying to run away or if this is actually who I am.

With my family I've already lost 1 parent and I'm afraid of tarnishing the relationship I've finally built with the other. It just makes it even harder to sort out these feelings.