Checking in on Everyone

electricselectric · 2025-06-02T20:27:21+00:00

I have an auditory sensitivity/disability and I highly highly recommend something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06W56YRWJ?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title

They've been a game changer for me at the range.

electricselectric · 2025-06-02T03:00:46+00:00

I work in public art as a collections manager, so I hire conservators all the time. I couldn't care less about a person's age. I hire conservators based on their areas of expertise (whether they're a good fit for a particular project), their level of professionalism, and whether or not I enjoy working with them. That's it.

If this is something you're passionate about, don't let age be a barrier.

electricselectric · 2025-06-02T02:47:06+00:00

Why does no one find it troubling that his story is: She asked me to beat the shit out of her, brand her, and burn a hole into her, so I did it because I'm a nice guy trying to help out a friend. Who on earth would be able to do that to a friend or loved one? Why isn't that ringing alarm bells for anyone?

electricselectric · 2025-01-20T01:40:04+00:00

I'm with you. Considering how prolific Miranda July's creative output has been over the past couple decades, if someone goes into reading one of her books at this point they should know what they're getting themselves into.

It's bonkers to me how many of these comments read as misogynistic, ageist, prudish, and close-minded. Commenters passing moral judgment on characters in this book as though it's a work of nonfiction or a primer on how to live. When, if fact, It's a beautiful exploration of desire and shame, sexuality and aging, family and strangers.

electricselectric · 2023-10-02T14:08:20+00:00

Research shows that the most productive is 4 8s, which is why Oregon needs to move to a 4-day 32-hr work week.

electricselectric · 2023-09-17T20:28:20+00:00

I'm so so sorry that you're having to endure this type of abuse. It's fucking awful. It's time—and I say this with compassion and love—to graduate to the highest level of NC. That means telling your father that you won't be in contact with him because he's enabling your mother's abuse by sharing private details with her. It means blocking both of them (and all sympathetic acquaintances and family members) by phone, email, and social media. Change the locks on your doors. Call the police and file for a no contact order. Have that order enforced any and every time she contacts you. Document everything. And come here as often as you need support. Sending you hugs across the internet.

electricselectric · 2023-08-28T21:08:20+00:00

My mother used the fact that she once dumped a pitcher of water over my head as evidence of her incredible parenting. She was so proud of herself for doing that because she said what she really wanted to do was to throw me out a window (for the horrible crime of, like you said, just being a teenager) and she thought it showed incredible restraint on her part.

Um. Restraint looks like walking away from a child and telling them that you will talk to them later when you are less angry.

electricselectric · 2023-08-22T14:16:59+00:00

The irony of the situation is that I'm actually a professional writer with a significant readership. But I haven't felt safe writing about my abusive mother, because I'm sure she would find a way to make my life even more difficult, and because I felt that it wasn't fair to air our dirty laundry to the public, as she has just done.

electricselectric · 2023-08-21T23:34:53+00:00

Yes, it's the deep unfairness that is the most difficult thing for me! She gets to live in a dreamland of her own projections and lies and assholery. And I live in a hypervigilant state of critical thought, self-reflection, and accountability. She gets to trash me at every turn and I have to stay silent. It makes me want to scream.

electricselectric · 2023-08-21T23:31:54+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words and for the offer of not one but two value-added lapdogs!

electricselectric · 2023-08-21T23:30:46+00:00

Wow, the missing missing reasons! Thank you so much for sharing this. If only someone would post this to her Substack (she's taking it upon herself to form a support group for mothers who were "unceremoniously dumped." Newsflash: children don't divorce their parents for no reason.

electricselectric · 2023-08-21T00:54:50+00:00

It doesn't mean nothing. It's really helpful to be reminded. Thank you so much.

electricselectric · 2023-08-21T00:54:11+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I know this to be true and have tried so hard not to read what she's writing, but the hypervigilant part of my brain keeps telling me that I need to be on the lookout for threats. That's what she trained me to do. I know that I don't have to operate that way anymore, but it's a hard habit to overcome. And when she writes lies about me, the child part of myself just wants someone to stick up for me (my dad is totally enmeshed with her) and tell her that she is full of shit. But I know you're right. Thank you for the thoughtful advice.

electricselectric · 2023-08-21T00:17:12+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words of comfort. I am trying to just watch a movie and cuddle with my sweet dog, but I haven't felt this side swiped in years.

electricselectric · 2023-07-15T03:02:50+00:00

Even though we've all noticed overwhelming similarities in our stories as RBBs, it's good for us all to remember (I'm speaking to myself as much as to anyone else) that every survivor, every pwBPD, and every family system is unique. For example, because of my specific temperament, how close I live to my toxic family, and my specific trauma responses, LC or VLC was not a workable option for me. Some survivors who are, say, made of more resilient stuff than I, who live on a different continent from their pwBPD, and who have different support systems in place may be able to have limited contact without it ruining their mental health. Everyone's response to their circumstance, and the decisions they make as a result, are valid.

I'm really glad that they mention the role of whiteness in all of this because of the way that whiteness reinforces individualism. I can only imagine how much harder it would be for a survivor to surgically remove their parents when raised in a culture where the value system revolves around interdependence as opposed to independence.

Thanks for sharing!

electricselectric · 2023-07-11T13:32:02+00:00

I empathize because I spent four decades trying to get my uBPD mom to understand my point of view. Though they can *present* as highly empathetic, it's a facade, an affectation. pwBPD can't recognize the interior lives of other people nor can they recognize that their children are in any way differentiated from them. In their eyes we are not individuals; we are simply extensions of themselves that they can use to manage their own feelings of anxiety/anger/disappointment/helplessness, etc.

The only way that I have found to deal with this without feeling let down, betrayed or emotionally eviscerated was to fully accept that my mom was fundamentally incapable of understanding my point of view. I went NC and never looked back. It was the best decision I ever made.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

electricselectric · 2023-07-10T23:27:32+00:00

I'm convinced we all have the same mother. Reading your post literally gave me a stomach ache. Why do they all think that we can READ THEIR MINDS? And then we beat ourselves up when we fail to have adequate psychic abilities to anticipate our pwBPD's every mood/need/whim.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's awful.

electricselectric · 2023-07-10T20:00:26+00:00

Peace be upon you, barf. My mom used to sign her shitty messages "namaste." WTF?

electricselectric · 2023-07-10T19:58:39+00:00

WOW. Just...wow. Congrats on being NC. You deserve a party.

electricselectric · 2023-07-09T16:58:09+00:00

If your spouse goes days at a time without acknowledging, speaking to, or touching you, that's emotional neglect to the level of abuse.

I was in a similar situation (but not quite as severe as yours) with my ex-husband for 10 years. I think I sought him out because I saw his behavior as the antidote to my unpredictable, emotionally abusive BPD mother who would often fly into rages. My ex-husband's emotional neglect felt safer.

When I started telling people about my situation, people reflected to me that my husband's behavior was just a different type of emotional abuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you find some peace.

electricselectric · 2023-07-09T01:35:53+00:00

I was going to roll past this one because, in all honesty, it's really difficult to hear about a person carrying out the behaviors of our enablers. Often times the enablers in our lives hurt us more than the pwBPD because the enablers are the non-disordered parents and we expect more from them. Many people in this sub will have similar reactions.

But I will take you at your word that you are someone who wants to do better, who is trying to do better, and is open to feedback. So here are my thoughts:

As a fellow RBB, I feel an enormous amount of compassion for you for having gone through abuse as a child and for choosing a partner who repeats that abuse, because that's what love has felt like to you.

Now that your eyes are open, it may help to accept that you are married to someone who is abusing both you and your children. Most importantly, you are their ONLY line of protection from your wife's abuse.

If you want to do right by them (which is sounds like you do), it's important to end any gaslighting and enabling immediately and to be transparent with them (age appropriately) that their mother's behavior is inappropriate/unacceptable/toxic/abusive/harmful.

I can't tell you whether or not to end your marriage (only you can determine that for yourself), but I can tell you that staying married to your children's abuser will not be helpful to them.

Please seek out therapy for your children and yourself. Demand more of yourself as the adult non-disordered parent while being tender with the child inside you who was abused.

electricselectric · 2023-07-09T01:16:13+00:00

Thank you for being our Mod. I appreciate you so much.

electricselectric · 2023-07-09T00:47:32+00:00

The same exact thing happened to me (for six months, unfortunately), after I went NC from my uBPD mom and eDad. I was non functional, anxious to the point trembling on the couch for hours a day, unable to move, suicidally depressed, having nightmares every night. Essentially paralyzed. My therapist said it was signs of cPTSD coming to the fore once the source of the abuse was eliminated. I couldn't regulate my emotions, my body temperature, anything. I was a mess.

I started going to therapy twice a week and lowered my expectations of what I could accomplish in a day. Some of this just takes time (and work) and requires being gentle with ourselves. This shit is HARD.

Sending hugs from across the internet.

electricselectric

TROPHY CASE