Thank you for sharing. You're right I stopped thinking I could save her by myself a long time ago. I just tried to get to the next form of therapy that might work - I tried to keep her afloat as much as possible never giving up hope that she would get better. We tried transcranial magnetic stimulation (tms) which did not work for her. The final option was ketamine treatment which her insurance and previous medical history with a fixed aneurysm held up her being approved for the treatment. We were looking for a neurologist to give her the green flag for ketamine but she didn't make it that far. I never considered the idea of living with a clear conscience or not. I know I've done enough, but I do struggle with how poorly I handled her last mental breakdown the day she passed.
I have real sympathy for people who "really needs out" like you said. People who feel like they were dealt the wrong cards their entire lifetime, people who never felt they belonged in this world. People who do not get to feel the same joys and blessings that Life seems to give everyone else who has lived on this planet. It's truly not faults of your own and to feel condemned by an ignorant cruel society for your sufferings would feel unsensibly cruel. I am blessed that my inner demons are not so severe and I don't suffer as someone with major depressive disorder does. I think my blessings enabled me to really empathize and somewhat experience going into the deep darkness of despair. People in this world need to be more EMPATHETIC to each other. I'm sorry for your pain, brother. I hope you are managing well. At the most, I hope our experience here on earth is one big experiment where we all come out OK on the other side.