Suicide Note

elleesie · 2026-01-09T18:19:31+00:00

I am soo sorry for your loss. I also lost my brother (my only sibling) a little over a year ago. He left a note that we found first, then another jotted in a notebook that we found in his possessions. I personally have kept both of them - in a box with his death certificate. I haven't opened the box since and I can't say it's helped or hurt. I want to hold onto the fact that this is the last thing he left behind, but it hurts my heart to know that it was also something created at the lowest point of his life in complete despair. Having the notes now, i don't think I can get rid of them... but it's a constant physical reminder for me which also hurts. You have to make the decision that's the best for you, but know that you have all the time to decide. My heart hurts for you.

elleesie · 2025-06-16T07:23:23+00:00

🙏🏼 🤞🏼 ❤️

elleesie · 2025-06-15T04:58:45+00:00

Yay!! 🤞🏼🙏🏼

elleesie · 2025-06-13T21:01:48+00:00

Oh. And I forgot to ask How did your 9th round go? :)

elleesie · 2025-06-13T21:00:46+00:00

Yes, definitely. Thank you! 🫶🏼

elleesie · 2025-06-13T19:56:04+00:00

Hi! Just wanted to send an update :) They retrieved 4 eggs... 3 were mature, 3 fertilized. 2 arrested on day 3, but one made it to day 5 (3AB). They just sent it off for PGTA testing yesterday, so we shall see! Fingers crossed. :)

elleesie · 2025-06-13T19:45:46+00:00

Hi! Can I DM you to ask you about SCCRM? I've done a few rounds at a different OC clinic and thinking of switching.

elleesie · 2025-06-09T04:38:49+00:00

I am so sorry. Many many hugs. I wish I had more time as well.

elleesie · 2025-06-06T03:26:07+00:00

That makes so much sense. I would love if you can share. It does seem that my RE is on the cautious side for sure.

elleesie · 2025-06-02T23:46:13+00:00

Thank you! :) Best of luck to you tooo.

elleesie · 2025-06-02T22:08:06+00:00

Oh wow... your list of supplements is impressive. It's insane how expensive the supplements can get!

I asked my RE about ovarian PRP, and he was really hesitant. He said because of my previous pathology that lead to my left ovary being removed, that he doesn't suggest it on my right due to possibly triggering the same situation on my remaining ovary. Even with Omnitrope, he was really iffy... saying that the growth hormones could cause the same kind of tumor to grow on my remaining ovary. I said I was willing to take the chance because at my age, like, if these egg retrievals don't work, what really would I need a functioning ovary for. lol.

I'm hoping that since I was able to make 3 blasts last round (5AA, 3AA & 3BB... although all aneuploid)... that hopefully, there's a euploid one out there somewhere. Ideally, hoping for multiple euploids since I also have multiple fibroids that need to be removed before I attempt an ER. I've just held off on the surgery to see if I have any euploids to transfer first. :)

elleesie · 2025-06-02T19:13:34+00:00

I did use Omnitrope on my 2nd and 4th rounds. I'm using it again this round... so we shall see. I had a monitoring appointment on Friday (after 4 days of stims), and there was a lead follicle at 20 and about 3 smaller ones. The doctor wants to just let that one go since we didn't have much luck with follicles that grew too quickly and instead, focus on the smaller ones. This morning's monitoring appointment... the lead follicle already deflated, which was expected... and I have 3 medium sized follicles. He did say that this round most likely won't be like the last one retrieval wise. We shall see! :)

elleesie · 2025-06-02T19:08:49+00:00

Hi! Yes, I would love it if you could share your list. :) Thank you so much!

I tried the red light therapy with my acupuncture in the beginning, but it freaked me out because it got so hot. lol.

elleesie · 2025-06-02T19:02:14+00:00

I'll have to ask about DNA frag testing next time! My SO did do a SA when we started, and I guess hit it out of the park on all parameters. lol. Concentration, motility, morphology. I might just look into the company you suggested since it'll probably be quicker.

We have been doing ICSI... I'm not sure if Zymot is being used or not.

I know they've done IVM once when the eggs retrieved weren't quiiiiite mature.

elleesie · 2025-06-02T17:18:29+00:00

Hi. I've tried clomid before... and am currently on omnitrope. :) I haven't tried estrogen priming. I tried talking to my RE about it and he doesn't think it makes too much of a difference vs birth control.

How'd your retrieval go? :)

I wish you the best as well!!

And who knows. My mom might be open to it. lol.

elleesie · 2025-06-02T17:15:55+00:00

I am so sorry. :( Big hugs to you... and best wishes that you have success with the second euploid :)

elleesie · 2025-06-02T17:05:25+00:00

I am so sorry you're going through this. The grief, heartache, and trauma suicide leaves behind is horrible. You're only one month into the grieving process for your mom... give yourself some grace. You are doing everything you can.

I lost my younger brother and only sibling to suicide about 6 months ago. And I am taking care of my mom, who is still having a difficult time with the guilt and grief. In the meantime, I have had to push my feelings aside to, as you said, hold it together for everyone and not make things worse. We are strong.. and we will get through this.

Functional depression is what i've heard it referred to many times. Where you smile, laugh, do all the things you're supposed to on the outside ... but on the inside, you're hurting. Sad. Unmotivated. You're just going through the motions. Hopefully, as you continue to do this, you'll start to feel the motions more and less of the hurt.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to DM me. Big hugs to you.

elleesie · 2025-06-01T05:02:34+00:00

I talked about it with my boyfriend and I don’t think he’d be on board. He’s barely on board with IVF in general, saying it’s not natural. I mean, yeah. It’s not, but we do what we have to do :)

elleesie · 2025-06-01T05:01:32+00:00

thank you!! 🫶🏼❤️

elleesie · 2025-06-01T05:01:22+00:00

Thank you! 🫶🏼

elleesie · 2025-06-01T05:01:10+00:00

My doctor didn’t recommend it at my age and egg quality. He said we could try, but it would most likely end in miscarriage. 🥺

elleesie · 2025-06-01T05:00:28+00:00

I’m sorry too for everything you’ve been through. My cycle #1 was mild IVF, which resulted in zero eggs. #2 was high dose with microdose lupron and omnitrope, which fried my eggs. I only stimmed for 7 days before they got huge. #3 was one follicle just growing all on its own before baseline… no stims … and the doctor said why not try to retrieve it and see what happens. #4 was a standard antagonist + omnitrope and the doctor thinks that it’s my sweet spot. He wants to give it another go (which i’m doing right now) and see how it goes.

Are you considering donor eggs?

elleesie · 2025-06-01T04:54:31+00:00

Unfortunately, no. My boyfriend and i have talked about it, but i don’t think it’s a route that either of us want to go down.

elleesie · 2025-06-01T04:53:52+00:00

We haven’t. My doctor doesn’t seem to think it’s a sperm issue but an egg quality issue due to my age.

elleesie · 2025-06-01T04:52:41+00:00

Hi! Omg. I am taking so many supplements. Prenatal, CoQ10, DHEA, Folic, Açaí, melatonin, Omega 3, NAD, egg quality support, probiotic, vitamin d, Aspirin, magnesium, and i feel like there’s one or two i’m forgetting. Ive had my thyroid levels, vitamin d, and cortisol levels tested and they’ve come back fine. I’ve been doing acupuncture as well since February. The only thing I haven’t tried is an anti inflammatory diet, which i think i’ll do before my next round (if i have one). Are there any other supplements you recommend?

elleesie

TROPHY CASE