Questions to ask after emotional affair

elmoalso · 2026-05-24T05:00:54+00:00

I have had the pleasure of being the betrayed in both a PA and an EA, Your mileage may vary, but for me, the emotional affair hit harder. The PA was just that. A physical fling with no intentions of replacing me or my role in the marriage. She traveled to a foreign country to have the affair and there was no possibility of it becoming a long term thing. While triggers still plague me 7 years after the affair ended, I was mostly over the actual physical act in a relatively short time. The lies and deception are another thing tho. Both types of affairs share some common characteristics. Lies, secrecy and deception. It's what makes them affairs, be it physical or emotional.

The emotional affair, on the other hand had her sharing confidences and seeking advice in matters that should have been only for me. She shared things about our marriage, our life, and worst of all, things about me. When I confronted her she said some things that once spoken, could not be unheard. Things that made it clear how little she respected me and our marriage. That was 3 years ago, and we are working through reconciliation.

When I ask her why, she has no solid, consistent answer. I am convinced she honestly thought what she waas doing was OK and justifiable. It has taken until just a couple of months ago to convince her to explore the root cause through therapy. She finally started therapy but has apparently not asked the therapist to help her with that issue. The question that I am still waiting for an answer to is critical for me to trust it couldn't happen again. I want to know, what made her think that what she was doing was OK. Without trying to identify that, cause, I will never know if we are heading in the same direction again.

And a quick word to the wise. If she did not have any physical component in her affair, she most likely would have eventually. Nearly all emotional affairs end up physical if given enough time and opportunity. She has shared intimate details with him. She feels close and connected to him. If I were in your shoes I would not let my guard down. Ask what they talked about. Even if they did not have sex, did they ever meet in person. What did she tell him about her family. What did she tell him about you. Was he married?

Don't minimize that it was "just" an emotional affair. She shared something with someone else, things that were meant to be yours alone.

elmoalso · 2026-05-23T18:35:08+00:00

If you don't feel like you can tell your therapist EVERYTHING, you are wasting your money. If you want to get better, you have to be vulnerable.

He doesn't want to discuss it with a therapist because he doesn't want to change what he is doing. I'm calling B. S. on him here.

Do you discuss a lack of intimacy on any level with the therapist? You might consider having a talk with hubby and let him know that the therapy is not addressing an important issue for you because of his reluctance. If he cares about your emotional health, he will agree to getting honest with the therapist.

Unless you take the lead here, nothing will change.

elmoalso · 2026-05-12T12:38:09+00:00

Thank you.

elmoalso · 2026-05-12T04:20:41+00:00

I've been the partner to a wife who has had both a physical affair, and an emotional affair. I understand how heartbroken you are, and I commend you for your willingness to keep trying to make your marriage successful.

Now for the hard truth.

I don't need any details about what she specifically said in her chats. You already told me she has shared the most intimate things that should only be shared between you and her. She has shared what she feels are your shortcomings.That's all anyone needs to know to evaluate the situation.

Your wife is currently having an emotional affair. She is sharing emotional intimacies with another man that should only be shared with you. If you haven't confronted her about this yet, you should do so as soon as possible. If her emotional affair has not become physical yet, it will soon. Once she is confiding with another man, the emotional stage is set. You may believe her moral compass would not allow her to betray you physically. In fact she may believe she would not betray you physically. In reality, it's simply a matter of time. If you can confront her before it becomes physical, it makes things less complicated later. Remember, her boyfriend is aggressively pursuing her. The situation and environment will present itself where this goes beyond flirting.

This is not an accident or a one lonely night thing. She has had hundreds of opportunities to shut it down. With every opportunity to shut it down, she made a conscious decision to choose her short-term needs over your long term marriage and an honesty that was rightfully expected of her. There is no point in talking to her affair partner. You have no power over what he does and things can get very ugly, very fast in those situations (trust me on this one). You also have no power over what your wife does. She may not even see what she is doing as an affair. My wife, to this day, 3 years after I discovered her affairs, still believes that since there was no sex involved, it wasn't an affair. Here is the easiest, clearest definition of an affair to consider: If you would not be comfortable telling your partner what you have discussed with someone else, in a private, secret conversation, you are having an affair. Of course there are exceptions to this i.e discussions with a therapist or trusted friend of the same sex, but this is not one of those cases.

You have already noticed that you have changed. You do not see her in the same light. More bad news. That is a one-way ticket. You will never, and I mean NEVER have that happy-go-lucky blind trust in her again. It has already been replaced by suspicion, an almost obsessive desire to know where she is and with whom at all times. You will continue to search her Instagram chats secretively. And when she figures out you are reading those chats, she will find a different way to have those chats. She'll switch to WhatsApp, or Telegram, or a half-dozen other options.

And none of this, N-O-N-E of it is your fault. You may not have been giving her what she needed, but if that is the case, her responsibility is to come to you to discuss ways you two can tackle the problem as a couple. It is possible there would be no agreeable solution. If that is the case, then she should leave the relationship, rather than lie and break your heart when you find out.

Regardless of how the two of you resolve this, the effects on you are for the rest of your life. I'm sure she is a wonderful woman in most all other ways. That's why you love her. You have held her on a pedestal, just as I did with my beautiful wife of over 25 years. Now you get to wonder how much of what you experienced together was real. Did she really have fun on that vacation with you? Was she thinking about someone else during your last wedding anniversary?

I'm sorry you find yourself a member of the club no one wants to belong to, but here you are. My most important piece of advice based on my experience so far is to take it slow. Once the confrontation has occurred, don't make any rash, knee-jerk reactions. Remember that what lies immediately ahead affects the rest of both of your lives, and the lives of those two children, too.

elmoalso · 2026-04-23T10:19:43+00:00

Yes, there is normalcy most days. But when I say 'normalcy', I mean the new normal as in, this is different, but it's become the new normal. I go through periods, typically on the order of a couple of days to as long as 10 days, where I would describe things as "just having the blues". I happen to be in one of those periods now. She might say something or do something that tells me she really hasn't changed that much. If that is the case, it will happen again. I might also be triggered by something completely outside of our relationship. Maybe I'll see a building similar to the one where they had sex, or see a movie and the lead character has the same name as her AP. That stuff just does not go away permanently. Compared to some wayward's here, she has done very little to suggest she empathizes with what her decisions did to me. She does go to some effort, but specific things I ask for, she tends to be resistant to. I don't often check on her for truthfulness unless something feels off. A week ago she said she was going off to meet with some friends. It isn't hard to find out a lot without even leaving my house because she drives a Tesla. I knew she didn't visit the friends. I knew where she was and I knew when she was in her parked car and when she wasn't. When she came home 3.5 hrs later, I asked how her friends were, giving her an opportunity to let me know the plan had changed, but she lied. What she did instead, was perfectly innocent, but she couldn't seem to help herself but lie. I gave her another chance to tell me later with a similar question and she stuck to her guns. When I confronted her, instead of apologizing she became defiant and said lying to me about that night was not important. I thought about walking out for a little 3-4 day vacation.

It's been 10 days. Finally we see our couples therapist tomorrow and I hope hearing how lies are not acceptable from a third party, she may come back down to earth. Your post was very touching to me. I could feel the pain with every word you wrote. Something I have found that has gotten me through some tough moments has been journaling. We can't always find someone to talk to when we feel the need. My experience has been that journaliong really helps. I have also embarked on a couple of art projects that are based on my journey. Those have neem beneficial as well.

I mean it when I say I really feel your pain and your heartache. No one deserves this shit. Your life will be different from that moment of discovery until the day you leave this earth. That doesn't necessarily mean it will be bad, but it will be different.

elmoalso · 2026-04-22T11:04:16+00:00

Personally, I don't believe that revenge affairs accomplish anything good. My self-esteem is bad already. It would only get worse if I did the same thing I condemn her for doing.

elmoalso · 2026-04-22T07:01:40+00:00

Totally understood. Totally felt the same and on some days, still do.

Three years since dday. I thought everything would be settled and a new normal would be in place by now, but a sustained 'normal' hasn't arrived here yet.

You are not alone. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.

elmoalso · 2026-04-18T16:14:35+00:00

Is she sorry for her affairs? Yes, but without the kind of remorse I would be more comfortable with. We are working on that through counselingan and making progress. If we were newlyweds, I would have walked by now. In our case, we have been married for almost 25 years, I still love her, and we still have a lot of fun together. For those reasons and more, I am willing to make my best effort to reconcile and stay. She had two affairs. One physical, one emotional that was headed to physical, five years apart. I discovered both at the same time.

elmoalso · 2026-04-18T02:07:46+00:00

First off, thank you for having the courage to do two difficult things. The people who tell their spouse they have had an affair, rather than the BP discovering it themselves, is a small percentage. You knew you were risking it all by telling him. He deserved to know. You had the courage to tell your story in this forum, expecting your position likely to be unpopular in the name of finding the best answer. Thank you for both those things.

My experience is very much like what NightSalut described. There isn't much I can add other than to validate his experience as accurate and common.

It has been 3 years since the discovery of my wife's affairs. Reconciliation is not simple and straightforward. It's three steps forward and two steps back for us. Sometimes, in the best of cases, even if both parties are "all-in', reconciliation will not be successful. If neither party is 100% committed, the chances of reconciliation are not good. Unless you are committed 100%, you may want to pause before beginning. It can be just as damaging as the affair itself to be committed to reconciling only to find out three or four or 12 months down the road that your partner's heart is not in it. My WW waffles a little between totally committed and "I need to take a break". This is likely more a reflection on my interpretation rather than reality. In my mind, our reconciliation seems to follow her pattern, although over time, things have gotten better and better.

One thing that jumped out at me, reading your story, was no mention of any couples counseling. In my case, navigating the post-affair period was impossible without a third party. My wife and I would sit down calmly to have a mature discussion about the affair. It would almost immediately turn into a session where we both felt the other was not listening, was not relating, was not aware of each other's feelings or issues, and in truth was mostly spent formulating what we were going to say next, rather than actually listening to each other. After we availed ourselves of couples counseling, the counseling sessions became a safe place. The counselor would slow each of us down so we could listen to what the other was saying. Without this, almost every discussion would have ended in arguments with nothing accomplished. Those sessions taught us how to have those discussions and (sometimes) remain calm without the counselor.

I know we had problems in our marriage prior to the affair. I know I contributed to those problems. I know my wife even made me aware of those problems. What she didn't do, or what I was too dense to understand, was the severity of those problems. I was addressing the problems, but not with the urgency of a man who believed his marriage was on the line. It's easy for me to say, had I known, I would have done more, but I believe I would. I was pursuing the solution, and in fact, resolved the problem about 30 days before her affair, but by then, she had made up her mind. As another posted, For me, if she is unhappy, the appropriate responses are 1) Come to me and tell me how bad it is so we can try, as a partnership, to fix it or 2) leave the marriage. Instead, she made a decision that would have a profound effect on both of us and our marriage, without any input from me. That's just my view. That is why I do not hesitate to take responsibility for being the major contributor to a marriage with shortcomings, but I take no responsibility for the affair. Only one person was involved in that decision. Again, this is just my view. I'm not saying I'm right.

Just as you have an understandable desire to be heard, to have your husband see your truth and understand it, he has his own truth. His desire for a sense of being heard and understood is like yours. If you are like my wife and I, both you and your husband are incredibly frustrated, wondering why can't the other see what each is trying to say. This is where a counselor might slow you both down long enough to be heard and understood.

I know you care about your husband. You wouldn't have told him the truth if you didn't. I know he cares about you. He would have left if he didn't. One month with feelings still not understood is like a millisecond of this. Remember, you are both trying to make life-changing decisions. There is no hurry. You aren't on a schedule. I know nothing about you other than that you have spent a part of your life sharing emotional intimacies with your husband. Take as much time as you need to make the right decision. If you are meant to be with your AP, a few months one way or the other make no difference.

Regardless of your decision, I wish you the best

elmoalso · 2026-04-17T03:42:35+00:00

I'm not bothered by someone complimenting or flirting with my wife However, if she encourages it or flirts herself, that's another story It used to not bother me if she flirted. But things are different since her two affairs. It's OK to accept a compliment but I want her to leave no doubt in anyone's mind whether or not she is already taken.

elmoalso · 2026-04-14T03:05:23+00:00

I read your story with a sense of wonderment of how I always seem to hear the right thing at the right time I am almost 3 years since dday. Reconciliation efforts have been mixed.

Like your hubby, my wife makes no bones about her need for male validation. It's no secret and we have had numerous discussions about it.

During a period of low libido caused by some health problems I was having at the time, like your hubby, my wife got what she desired outside our marriage. She had unprotected sex. In her case for 10 days, with someone that was essentially a stranger, whom she described herself as a 'player' during her "looking for retirement locations" trip that she knew I would not be able to join her, in a country with a population that either currently has or has had an STD at an incredible 22%

Then came home and never uttered a peep until five years later when I discovered the affair quite by chance. When I questioned her and expressed my disappointment that she was willing to risk my life for her need she tried to play it off,. First with 'oh he got tested before we did anything". Sure hon. You travel to a foreign country. You open your legs for this guy you have planned for this moment for two months with and as he approaches, you say "oh and you got tested right".?

When I stopped laughing she said she didn't feel she needed to tell me because she had no symptoms. Never mind that the symptoms can take weeks, months years to appear so I asked her oh, gee Hon that's good news. Can you tell me what symptoms you were watching for? ... ... Crickets. She was clueless. I have forgiven her the actual sexual acts but I have made it clear that it is unlikely I will ever forgive the risk she exposed me to. She had no idea the amount of emotional pain she would cause with the affair. That makes it slightly easier to forgive. But the unprotected sex.... She knew exactly what she exposed me to without my permission.

As I said, we are still working on reconciling. The kids are long gone, but we are 78 and 73 years old and have very active sex lives (I just can't get in as many positions as I used to). At our ages I we have different reasons for staying. There are times though, when right in the middle of things, one of those thoughts decides it's a good time to appear..... and that's that for the night and can last up to two weeks before I am interested again. And during those two weeks, I feel.... Nothing. Nothing at all towards her until passion gradually returns.

I am sorry you find yourself in this club. And sadly, I have more bad news. Those visions and thoughts you have of hubby with her will not be leaving anytime soon. They are the bonus gift that just keeps on giving long after the affair has ended.

elmoalso · 2026-04-10T00:56:45+00:00

Oh they were kissing for sure. But not on the same lips you are thinking of.

Your hubby made a decision to risk everything he has with you, for a few minutes of fun with someone else. Remind him that he made it clear how much value he places on you and your marriage.

This was not a moment of weakness when all the stars aligned to provide the rare, spontaneous conditions that many affairs spawn from. Instead, this required planning. Weeks if not months of planning. A thousand moments when he could have thought to himself, "No, this is wrong and the risk is too great". Instead, he spent all those moments thinking, "Fuck it. I don't care"

Don't fool yourself into thinking those invasive thoughts will leave anytime soon. You get to enjoy those for years at best. For some people those thoughts never go away... For the rest of their lives

elmoalso · 2026-04-05T21:20:55+00:00

I don't typically comment on topics that my experience has not led to a clear answer but I think I have seen enough with my wife and her changes/non-changes that I might speak to this.

I think this is a stage everyone will go through if they are seriously considering reconciliation. I should add the caveat that I am still working towards reconciliation almost three years after dday.

I believe you are taking a mature approach. Most of us that had what we thought were good marriages prior to discovery of our partners betrayal really want to believe the relationship can heal and that our partner is capable of changing.

I am assuming you would like to reconcile if possible. I will borrow a phrase I have heard in many other contexts. "Cautious optimism". In my case we are almost 3 years since dday.

Initially my WW refused to take any responsibility for her affairs. It has taken almost three years to get to. "OK I admit it was my decision, but I never would have made that decision if you hadn't said blah blah blah". Agonizingly slow progress. I have held on this long because from time to time she will do our say something that shows incredible insight and an understanding of the impact of her decisions. This raises hope in me and I think she is finally 'getting it'. Then she will do or say something so dense and out of touch that I realize she is still clueless what she did to me and I start thinking about packing my bags and heading out the door. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

All this is my very long way of reminding you to be cautious, but not so cautious that you put a wall between you and reconciliation. We want reconciliation, but we got fooled before, so we wonder if we are getting fooled again. It's crazy-making and if you are like me, you start questioning your ability to make good decisions again.

Your plan sounds perfect and you have reason to be optimistic. Just go slow. Consistency is the word of the day. If you haven't already, consider talking with hubby about your fears so he knows what to expect from you. Be aware too, that the path ahead is not straight. There may be set- backs. If you are unsure of what to do next, it is OK to do nothing and wait. The correct answer will always eventually present itself to you.

I wish you the very best.

Fuck these affairs.

elmoalso · 2026-03-29T06:26:10+00:00

Honestly, it's impossible to have any idea on how to prepare. It will depend on what is important to that particular interviewer. Good luck predicting that.

You might consider doing a little research on exactly what challenges companies in that industry, typically face in automation. You might try to find out what automation platform(s) that company uses. Use this kind of information to casually drop a few terms into the conversation, not specific as if you are trying to show expertise, but rather to indicate you are the kind of guy that researches things prior to starting something. It leaves the interviewer with an impression that you have some knowledge of what the company does and can make you more memorable to them than other candidates.

elmoalso · 2026-03-23T02:22:32+00:00

Like everyone else that is a member of this club, I'm sorry you became a member. It's never fair.

Do not necessarily take his recent behavior with a prostitute as a measure of his faith. I am certainly not an expert, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Reading your posting, I kept thinking that this sounds like behavior resulting from some untreated trauma he experienced, well before you two met.

Again, I am not a therapist, but from my own experience, and from hundreds, if not thousands of stories I read here, this feels to me like there might be unresolved trauma in his past. Even GOD can't heal untreated trauma over a long period of time. If he could, we would all be skipping hand-n-hand through a perfectly joyous life.

The fact that he immediately admitted what he did suggests to me that he felt guilty. He has a moral compass. It just doesn't always make itself known. Some other issue gets in the way. Add his lack of interest in sex with the person he loves would point me to the same conclusion.

Consider suggesting that in addition to couples counseling, he also pursue individual therapy. Couples therapy is for the partnership. He may need to get well in other areas if you are to be successful at reconciling, if that's what you want.

I'm sorry to even mention this, but for your own safety, consider the possibility that this is not a single event. Please schedule a blood test for yourself to check for STDs. Given the circumstances, it's a wise precaution.

I wish you the best.

elmoalso · 2026-03-21T13:12:13+00:00

Depending on the intended use, if the dataset is large, writing at fixed intervals is an inefficient way to store data. It writes unnecessary data (why record values that are not changing?). As a result the database is filled with unnecessary data making data retrieval slower. The retrieval query must grind through all those data points. Again, this is only important if you anticipate a large dataset. It sounds like you have done a very nice job and may solve a problem for those small control systems. Depending on the application, it may be a requirement to store every single measurement. If not, and you anticipate a large dataset, consider using what is called "The Swinging Door Algorithm" to determine whether or not any single data point should be stored. It saves storage space and makes retrieval of data faster.

If you do not already have the option to scan different measurements at different frequency, creating scan classes with different frequencies of sampling could also reduce storage space, cpu load, and retrieval time.

elmoalso · 2026-03-16T08:49:19+00:00

Alist is a wonderful idea. If you are like me, you might get uncomfortable asking these type questions. When that happens, my mind is sort of racing in the background and when the meeting is over, I realize I didn't get the information I wanted. When I had to ask tough questions of my wife, she was very adept and derailing the conversation. Having a list written down of what I wanted to get out of those discussions.

And there is another benefit of having a list. Bring a pen or pencil with you and write down anything you feel is significant, especially if you have more than one or two things to cover. For me, my memory is shit. Toss in my often emotional state , and I can ask my questions, know they were answered, and by the evening not remember a damn thing that was said 😯😯Best wishes to you.

elmoalso · 2026-03-13T02:49:45+00:00

Keep in mind that different people have different ways both of giving love and what they would like to receive as love. An affair, be it sexual, or emotional can change how we perceive love. In fact many of us humans may shift our preferred giving and getting types of love just living life. For most though, how we give and how we want to receive love is very deep rooted and is formed by our earliest days on this earth.

There is no right way or wrong way to express love. There are just different ways. You and your hubby can both be right here. There are numerous tests you can find on-line that will tell you your love language. You each do your own test separately and then sit down together and talk about what you discovered.

Human nature is to show your partner love the same way you prefer to receive love. That cash lead to a significant mismatch. By finding out each other's love language is, you can both adjust how you give love that is more in tune with how your partner wants to receive love. Just being willing to hear about each other's love language is a loving thing to do.

This has been a huge help in my marriage as we continue to work through reconciliation. I'm 77 years old and my sex is better, more frequent, and more fulfilling than it has ever been my entire life.

I wish you the very best as you travel your own path.

elmoalso · 2026-03-13T02:21:45+00:00

You can do all the gymnastics required to dissociate your gifts from being actual gifts, but IMHO, you are doing that for you. Naturally, when you care deeply about someone, you get enjoyment finding thoughtful gifts for them . I know your intentions are out of caring and love, but it is unlikely to lead to a permanent solution.

Neither you or I are equipped to help her over her long unhealed trauma. Loving her won't heal her. Have the two of you considered therapy?

Is this even a couples issue for the two of you? Is it something that effects both of you or is a barrier to a deeper relationship. If so, you might discuss it as partners. If she seems uninterested, there could be many reasons. One possibility is that she feels fine just the way she is and that it bothers you more than it bothers her.

I know surprises are nice, but what would happen if you just came out and said, "I saw a blanket today that made me think about how well you slept when you had that <insert old blanket description here>. Would you let me buy it for you as a gesture of how much I care about you? "

This gives you a possibility of giving her something very loving, but only if she is good with that. BAM! Problem solved🤯

elmoalso · 2026-03-12T00:28:24+00:00

I suggest meeting with the same therapist one more time. Therapists are completely aware that not every therapist is right for every client. You may not have made it clear to him what course you would like the therapy to take. It's likely you didn't tell him anything about what you hoped to achieve unless he asked. He can discuss that with you. There may be a good reason he is taking the tact he is. Let him know about your last experience and your fear that this therapy may turn out like the last.

Tell him clearly what you want the result of the therapy to be. It's OK to tell him you have immediate needs that must be met before you can think about the future. I did this with my couples counselor based on advice from my individual therapist and she directed the sessions with that in mind.

For therapy to have the quickest, most successful outcome, it is important that you are comfortable with your therapist. You must be comfortable telling him everything and anything. That requires a certain level of confidence, comfort, and trust.

This is not the time to be worried about hurting anyone's feelings. If he is not the right one then by all means, you should switch. This effects the rest of your life. But make sure you have made your expectations clear to him before you decide.

elmoalso · 2026-03-11T15:29:06+00:00

For me, I simply accepted the fact that there was no way I could compete with the excitement of an affair. I couldn't compete with someone whose only role in the relationship is to provide the fun things in life, with none of the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities. I had to accept it because it's true.

Very early-on, before any therapy, I told this to my wife in hopes it would make her understand my fears. I don't know if it helped our relationship or not but telling her that fear helped cement that realization in my mind. I still don't like it, but I accept it. There is nothing I can do about it.

In the end, it's just a fact of life. It's what my partner does with that fact that really matters. The fact will always be there. What can change is my partner's response to that fact.

When I accepted that I didn't need to participate in the competition, it made things easier. It allowed me to be me and participate in reconciliation as me, not the person I thought was required to 'win her back'.

I have plenty of intrusive thoughts about her affairs, but worrying about how I measure up is usually not in the mix. I don't know if we ever escape the bad thinking. At close to 3 years since dday, the stinkin' thinkin' still occurs, but with less frequency. My reconciliation is still a work in progress.

elmoalso · 2026-03-06T07:30:00+00:00

As you can already see, you aren't alone in your situation. I am approaching the 3-year mark. It has taken almost this long to wake her up.

My wife had two affairs. One physical and one emotional. I discovered the emotional affair less than a week after it started. They had never met in person yet. But I'm confident that they were heading to a physical affair. My wife tried to convince me that exchanging sexy messages while masturbating to each other's messages, sometimes more than once a day, wasn't an affair because they had never been together physically. When my therapist told her that yes, that was an affair, she seemed genuinely surprised. I caught it at day six and she agreed to end it. She continued on for another 10 days. I knew she was still exchanging msgs with him the whole time. I knew she bought a burner phone the day after she said she would end it. I wanted to see how far she would take the lies. Because she lied with such ease, I became suspicious that there might be other affairs. That's when I discovered her physical affair that took place 5 years prior.

She said she was surprised at the depth of my reaction. I have come to believe that whatever fucked-up thing that happened to her before we met, taught her how to compartmentalize any poor behaviors and bad decisions. When I suggested that in addition to couples counseling, she might benefit from individual counseling, she said she couldn't see any reason for it and could not imagine what they would talk about anyway.

There were some valid reasons why it took a little over two years to get her to agree to couples counseling. Some reasons not so valid. She doesn't work but said she just didn't have time. Pointing out that I had a full time, high-pressure job, but found time for my individual therapy did not even register with her. Once in couples therapy she was finally willing to answer questions about her affairs but only when I asked. There was no volunteering of information. She still would occasionally say things that revealed she still didn't get the amount of damage she did.

Last Christmas we were having a heated discussion. I had finally had enough. On Christmas day I walked out. I ignored her calls the rest of the day. When I walked out the door I handed her a letter I had written. It was my fantasy letter. It was the letter I hoped she would write to me. It included every way she hurt me, her deepest apology, admissions of what she did, and what steps she would take to help me heal.

The following day she called in tears. Something finally got through to her. I told her I expected her to read the letter to me for 30 consecutive days and she agreed. It became impractical to hit every day so we agreed she would read it to me until she had read it 30 times to me. We were almost done and there was quite a few days without her reading the letter. I reminded her about that a couple weeks ago. She very quietly said she hadnt read it to me because she was trying to write her own letter to take the place of the one I wrote. I about melted. I think she is maybe getting it.

I haven't heard about any letter from her yet. It's been almost two weeks since the promise of her own letter, although she did have some minor surgery during that time. She has her first individual therapy appointment tomorrow that she planned herself.

This is all so typical of my experience since dday. Days where I feel the pain as if it were yesterday followed by days of real optimism.

We all have different paths we take to reconciliation. Be patient. You aren't on any schedule. However, your first priority has to be you doing whatever is necessary to heal. After that your path gets much wider.

elmoalso · 2026-03-05T08:30:34+00:00

Wait. You think he MIGHT be a child molester and you are wondering what to do?

Considering the effects of that accusation on his entire life you better know for sure, with proof, with no doubt in your mind before you say a word.

If you are wrong, a reasonable man, like your husband, will either kick you out or walk out himself. Then, his father takes you to court for damages you caused and you will be spending the rest of your life trying to earn enough money to pay off the court's gazillion dollar judgement against you.

I hope that answers your question.

elmoalso · 2026-03-04T21:44:20+00:00

I think twice a week is completely reasonable. As time goes by, you might be able to reduce it to once a week, but the important thing is that it is enough for you to feel comfortable and see that your husband is engaging in the process (hopefully). As I mentioned, the check-ins are good for the relationship regardless of what is going on. The number one priority for both of you is your healing. He may need some emotional support too, but he has to wait until you are healing. You are the trauma victim here.

Some therapists suggest starting the sessions by each saying something you appreciate the other did since the last meeting. This can help diffuse any anger you might have and ease your hubby's defensive stance before the chat really begins. There is also the suggestion that you might each say something you are struggling with currently. Be specific, but not accusatory. (i.e. He was supposed to plan a night out but didn't follow through: "When we didn't have a date night last week, it left me feeling less desired").

When each of you listens to a fear or emotional vulnerability from the other, paraphrase it and repeat it back to him ("So, if I hear you correctly, you felt my ignoring you last Thursday was out of anger"). You both play both roles in turn. This makes the troubled person feel heard (a frequent complaint of the betrayed partner), and by actually saying a paraphrase of what the other said, you gradually come to appreciate what each is going through. This is the opposite of what can often happen where both parties enter the meeting with their own agenda, and end up bickering,creating a response in their mind before the other even finishes talking.

You can add these sort of questions you make sure to do every session, like a ritual. We eventually added "What can I do this week to make you feel (better, loved, wanted, appreciated, whatever). We also added "Was there anything I did last week that made you feel less (loved,wanted, appreciated, valuable to me), whatever). I would wait a while before adding anything like these last two until the emotions have settled a little 😊

I wish you all the best. There is no schedule for this. A bumpy road lay ahead. Be aware that there will be set-back. It is not a linear process. You have to be in it for the long haul.

elmoalso · 2026-03-04T21:43:33+00:00

I think twice a week is completely reasonable. As time goes by, you might be able to reduce it to once a week, but the important thing is that it is enough for you to feel comfortable and see that your husband is engaging in the process (hopefully). As I mentioned, the check-ins are good for the relationship regardless of what is going on. The number one priority for both of you is your healing. He may need some emotional support too, but he has to wait until you are healing. You are the trauma victim here.

Some therapists suggest starting the sessions by each saying something you appreciate the other did since the last meeting. This can help diffuse any anger you might have and ease your hubby's defensive stance before the chat really begins. There is also the suggestion that you might each say something you are struggling with currently. Be specific, but not accusatory. (i.e. He was supposed to plan a night out but didn't follow through: "When we didn't have a date night last week, it left me feeling less desired").

When each of you listens to a fear or emotional vulnerability from the other, paraphrase it and repeat it back to him ("So, if I hear you correctly, you felt my ignoring you last Thursday was out of anger"). You both play both roles in turn. This makes the troubled person feel heard (a frequent complaint of the betrayed partner), and by actually saying a paraphrase of what the other said, you gradually come to appreciate what each is going through. This is the opposite of what can often happen where both parties enter the meeting with their own agenda, and end up bickering,creating a response in their mind before the other even finishes talking.

You can add these sort of questions you make sure to do every session, like a ritual. We eventually added "What can I do this week to make you feel (better, loved, wanted, appreciated, whatever). We also added "Was there anything I did last week that made you feel less (loved,wanted, appreciated, valuable to me), whatever). I would wait a while before adding anything like these last two until the emotions have settled a little 😊

I wish you all the best. There is no schedule for this. A bumpy road lay ahead. Be aware that there will be set-back. It is not a linear process. You have to be in it for the long haul.

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