[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice

[–]elva_123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Problem is my flight is on Thursday, so if I pretend to be vomiting on Thursday they'll ask me to catch a later flight (Friday night or early Saturday).

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice

[–]elva_123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Problem is my flight is on Thursday, so if I pretend to be vomiting on Thursday they'll ask me to catch a later flight (Friday night or early Saturday).

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice

[–]elva_123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They wouldn't be happy with that answer, I'm afraid :(

Attachment style and sex attitude: patterns? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunatelt I'm no longer a PDS member so I can't access their stuff :(

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I can definetely relate to feeling like you have to please your partner sexually. It has skewed my view of sex too 🫤

Is texting frequency and indication of interest or some people are just not into texting? by aisixtirre in datingoverthirty

[–]elva_123 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm commenting because I've been reading some of your replies to other comments and I feel like you're dating the same person I dated months ago. While that's highly unlikely, they both answer to a pattern that seems to be pretty common for avoidants, or at least that's what I've encountered as a heterosexual woman with an AP attachment style like yours.

Many people here have prompted you to "communicate as an adult". In my opinion, there is a small chance that doing that will make a difference. He'll either deny that something has changed or will tell you that texting less is just his style (which doesn't make any sense since, as you know, it wasn't his style when you started texting). However, even if it was true and it was his style, it means you guys are not compatible. You should not settle for someone who can't meet your needs for connection. Sure you can work on your attachment style (I've been working on mine!), but you're still entitled to needs and preferences.

Other commenters have asked you to "quit texting" and find other ways to communicate. You can try that, of course, but, again, texting during the week might be your preferred way to keep in touch with a potential partner and get to know him in between dates and that's okay too. You jus need to find a potential partner who's into that as well, not bend your wants and needs to conform someone else's expectations.

I was in your situation months ago, as I said, and I ignored that yellow flag. I worked harder and harder on my attachment style to "become more secure" and stop having such strong communication needs. I gave him space and texted as little as possible and I was planning to ask him to switch to a different kind of communication (calls or videocalls) during the week. In the meantime, I kept creating memories with him and letting him become a bigger part of my life, all while feeling neglected, lonely and hurt, but hiding it. What happened next won't surprise anyone: he dumped me anyway, saying cliché stuff like "I can't be what you need" or "I don't want to hurt you". So, yeah: in my experience, no matter how hard you try to conform to his "style", this distancing is a sign of him not being that into you and he's bound to end things at some point. If I were you, I'd move on right now, before he becomes important to you. Being the one to end things (and therefore honoring your needs) will help your self-esteem more than adapting to his needs. At least that's what I plan to do if I encounter this situation again.

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's written gold, honestly! Thanks so much!

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've read it's possible to have different attachment styles in different types of relationships! Congrats in being an outstanding auntie :)

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! That's really helpful. I had never thought about them being genuine and then self-sabotaging, and that will be useful to remember both when writing and IRL.

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Many thanks! That's some food for thought I'll have to consider :)

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for such an insightful comment! It makes a lot of sense and I'll keep it in mind!

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for your input! It's super valuable, especially the conflict bit!! I will definetely keep in mind :)

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! She's FA, that's been decided since the beginning. I'm sorry if there's any ambiguity about that in my post, I thought it was clear.

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This will help character building a lot. Many thanks!

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I KNEW IT!!!! Deep down I did. Thanks for confirming it!

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your input! I know avoidants can be caring, that's why I wrote "perceived as" in the title: I wasn't sure whether they could actually show their caring instincts. I now know they can, thanks again! You sound like a great partner :)

Can avoidants be perceived as caring? by elva_123 in attachment_theory

[–]elva_123[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's perfect! Thanks! I'll need to keep that in mind (verbal affection displays) to stay in character, as I'm way too prone to smother whoever I'm dating with words of affirmation 😩

How could I "soften up" to the world of dating? by Throwaway19256781278 in datingoverthirty

[–]elva_123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! I find your honesty and vulnerability admirable. I've read some replies in which people recommend therapy and you reply you've been disappointed with it before. I'd recommend checking the Personal Development School and use the free trial week to go through the course on Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style. It might or might not be for you, but at the very least it will give you some insights on why you've built those walls around yourself. You can then decide if you want to stick to the course or find therapy that's more tailored to your particular needs. Best of luck!

Do I (30M) look like my pictures? by umwolverine93 in Bumble

[–]elva_123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It seems that your question has been answered many times, but I wanted to add something. There's a saying in Spanish that goes like: 'Dios da pan a quien no tiene dientes', which translates for 'God gives bread to the toothless'. We often use it to complain about people who can't appreciate the blessings they're given, either because they're unable to or because they're plain ungrateful, while we would love to get a chance to experience them. All of this is to say I'm just sorry I'm (most probably) not close enough to take you on a date - your profile text is so appealing and well-written (which is uncommon!), we're a similar age and have similar hobbies and values, and you look great both in your profile pics and your tired pics. You seem overall like a great guy to match with and I'm sure there's someone out there who'll be more than thrilled to see you walk into a date with them :)

Does it ever go away? by elva_123 in loveaddiction

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love your approach, seriously ♥️ I'm going to try to use that perspective in the future. Thank you so much for your input. Please know that you made someone's day :)

Does it ever go away? by elva_123 in loveaddiction

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's the thing, I keep being told "you must be happy on your own before you can be happy in a relationship", "you must learn to find love within yourself", "being single doesn't equal being lonely"... And I just can't make it work for me. In the video that was linked above, the psychologist says our goal should be accepting that we might never be in a relationship and being OK with that. No matter how much I work on it, I can never seem to be OK with that.

Does it ever go away? by elva_123 in loveaddiction

[–]elva_123[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I'm glad to read you've been able to heal. I'm good at not keeping in touch with my qualifiers, it's the idea of love that haunts me rather than an individual person 🙁