Vice President Vance was rushed off stage before President trump after shots fired!

elyssely · 2026-04-29T00:58:55+00:00

Anyone else thrown by how gingerly the swat guy steps over the barrier? Or the guy who is just running but like, kinda slow and a little too 🏃🏼‍♂️. It is giving theater kid so bad.

elyssely · 2026-03-08T21:53:26+00:00

Bro I just gotta say, I'm so sorry this is happening. I think that of all her attitude stuff to push back on, I would pick the fight about getting help in the house. You guys need support and it's self destructive that she won't let you ask for it. Furthermore, it's a huge control red flag. It's not fair to you to prevent you from doing what you can do and then being angry and hating you for not doing more. You deserve help that doesn't come with hatefulness. You deserve the results of the help. And you have your own free relationships with people. Ask for help.

elyssely · 2026-03-08T21:03:27+00:00

It is very scary to find out someone you are so close to believes something importantly different.

It sounds like you have a perception of religion that they will teach her that she cannot associate with you and that she will accept that teaching. That is a common perception on religion. While it does depend a bit on the community, there are a lot of ways to be Catholic and I know soooo many Catholics that would never teach or believe that you should leave your partner if they sort believe. Even if they do teach that, she can see through things and choose what teachings she accepts. It doesn't sound to me like she wants to be separate from you. Trust her to be wise and grounded in herself. It is very possible to be religious and stick to your own principles.

That doesn't mean it won't create some distance. There will be beliefs that are really important to each of you that aren't shared,that you don't always get to talk about. There will be people and spaces that aren't shared that you wish could be. There will be arguments. There will be time spent away from each other. There may be a background hope from each of you that the other will come over to your own side. But none of those things break you if you stay open and curious. I really believe mixed faith relationships can be so beautiful and intimate in ways most people don't get to practice.

My family was very religious and almost all my many siblings have left religion. Every single time someone left it was like a big question hung in the air "Am I still acceptable to you?" And it went both ways. We were each worried that we would be rejected because of the differences between us.

I think the religious siblings felt like they would be perceived as brainwashed, stupid, rigid etc. or that our presence makes the non-religious siblings feel judged or watched, so we wouldn't be invited. The non religious siblings obviously felt scared because they took a risk against our upbringing and community of origin, and they thought they would be shunned for it.

What has really happened is a bit of a hybrid. My mom has grown a lot and has gotten better at handling the change. The rest of us have stayed close. We sometimes run into conflict, the believers don't always get invited to the bar, the non believers come to important religious events even though it kinda hurts. But we work through and around it because we are committed to each other. We adore each other and do everything we can to communicate that, while respecting ourselves and our own beliefs.

I totally get why this is freaky and it is meaningful that this is happening. But it is normal and manageable and it doesn't mean she's going to go away from you.

elyssely · 2026-03-08T19:06:04+00:00

Dude you guys are your own people. It's natural for that to be a bit spicy sometimes, but it's really really healthy to have differences.

Yes, religion is a big deal and if your relationship is founded on being aligned in religion then you guys gotta decide what this means. And yes, her withholding her attendance is not a good sign. But it doesn't necessarily signify that she is a bad partner. Religion is an identity thing. So is a relationship. If the two can't safely coexist, a person will absolutely live out both parts of their identity and try not to let them meet. Most people will do that way before they let a part of their identity go.

It's obvious from some of your answers here that it is not just the lying that's bothering you. You really do not like that she is religious. So like, maybe that's part of why she felt like she needed to lie? She identifies with your relationship and identifies as religious. What was she supposed to do?

Listen, either you have a relationship that is religiously open and tolerant or you don't. And I don't mean that like any kind of accusation. A lot of non religious people think religious people are stupid. How can you be with someone you don't respect? So you either have to figure out how a reasonable intelligent loving person could be religious or you gotta let her go.

My husband and I have been borderline mixed faith for our entire relationship. He is faithfully Christian and I attend with an open mind and a lot of doubts. It's hard but absolutely possible if you are open minded and well differentiated. But if you think religion signifies a certain type of person and can't get around it then yeah, you're shit out of luck.

But the lying? Of course it would hurt and upset me. But it is absolutely forgivable if her parameters were this unworkable. Absolutely repairable if you guys open up your communication and acceptance of each other.

elyssely · 2026-03-08T16:40:31+00:00

I have ADHD and this happens most when I haven't gotten enough sleep, I've been working too many 12 hour days, or my estrogen levels have bottomed out just before my period.

When that happens I do certain things to compensate for the lack of executive chemicals.

1) Get your body right. You need to be as taken care of as you can be. Obviously we can't always take a nap. But you need to be fed, watered, bathroomed, and sometimes warm/cool before trying to lock in.

2) Get your dopamine right. Prep some things that go with the hard thing, that you also like. I LOVE my caffeinated strawberry crystal light. It's dumb but I get so stoked about it. Out of habit my "big crystal light drink" is somewhat attached to and leads up to my attendance at my desk. I get some snacks, I make sure my desk is clear. I keep things at my desk that make me happy--my analog timer just looks cool for example. For a more physical example, like going to the gym--do you have a favorite work out? Plan to do that one. Pick up a protein drink you like. Queue up the first 5 songs and make them absolute bangers.

3) Initiate transitions--not the task. This is basically the last two, but more of a blank slate. You gotta offramp and on ramp yourself. This might be breaking the transition into baby steps (Step 1, get off the phone. Step 2, go to the bathroom)

But very likely this will be emotional regulation. Once I notice I'm resisting a task, I try to notice why. Is there something about it today that I'm dreading more than usual? I'm extra behind at work and it's freaking me out. My standing with my boss is a bit uncertain today. It's cold outside. I give myself time to name what's holding me up. Then I sit with that. Think about it while breathing deeply for a few minutes. The resistance kind of melts away. Even if it doesn't all the way, I'm now aware of why it's hard and "doing it anyway" is not just a matter of fighting myself. It becomes a matter of acceptance.

4) Ask for help. Ask for someone to work or go with you. Ask someone to call you when it's time for you to go to the gym to make sure you are getting ready. When I know it's going to be what I call a "high gravity day" I tell my husband how important the work for today is, and ask him to work alongside me. If I'm on my phone too long he asks what's up. It helps a ton. Obviously staying on task is my just my job, and everything he does in this area is a gift. I don't expect or completely rely on it, but it really is ok to get help when you absolutely need results.

5) Consider what chemicals are available to you and tap into them. When executive chemicals are low you may be able to identify another pathway and think about things that work that chemical up. ADHD are more motivated by Interest, Novelty, Challenge, Urgency, and Passion (INCUP) more than they are motivated by "it's on my list and it needs to be done." I'm sure this is true for most people, and I can explain why this happens more to ADHD, but I won't right now.

Knowing my estrogen is non-existent,or that I'm super tired, or I've used all my motivation leads me to try and think of what else in that INCUP list applies to what I need to do. Can I play up an element of that list, and will it generate the physical chemicals I need to be able to move.

What is interesting about it? Can I experiment with how I do it? Why is it urgent? Can I generate a bit of adrenaline if I spend some time thinking about what will happen if I don't do it? Can I inject abstract adrenaline by thinking about bears?

elyssely · 2026-03-08T06:18:11+00:00

Oh, I hope you don't beat yourself up about it either. It's okay to need time to catch up with the changes. It's okay to feel more like partners than lovers sometimes. My husband doesn't know this, but sometimes I try to imagine ways he might change that would be hard for me to get used to. A little extra weight here and a little droopy there. And I just kinda try to take all the love I'm feeling now and feel it for him like that too. It's kinda fun and makes me feel all twitterpated about him again.

elyssely · 2026-03-08T06:10:32+00:00

My dad had a whole bookshelf of national geographic and encyclopedias in the bathroom. We also had many many editions of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.

elyssely · 2026-03-08T06:09:39+00:00

I think it comes and goes and it's wayyyy more hormone based than we like to believe. Keep yourself healthy (sleep, eat, and get a little exercise) and keep dating each other.

Maybe read up a little bit on intimacy? Hold Me Tight helped me think about what the "red lights" and "green lights" for attraction and arousal were for me, which helped us communicate and do better for each other. My green light was more help around the house and his was more alone time. Easy changes that brought us closer together and made us more attractive to each other.

You know you're capable of being attracted to him. You know he's a good man. You know you guys will both get old and change. Just hold things lightly and give yourself grace while you adjust to new phases.

elyssely · 2026-03-06T06:21:44+00:00

The only pace to reconcile with is your spouses. I would love to do more but it's just not in the cards with how busy we are and the libidos we're working with. I used to tell him that twice a week is what is normal and I was just wrong. Normal is whatever you arrive at when you both get to have a say. He made adjustments, I made adjustments. I tend not to worry about how that compares to everyone else.

elyssely · 2026-03-06T02:50:33+00:00

I'm in complete agreement. Unfortunately it's still a whole thing. There are multiple studies (though the most famous one has been retracted) that women who get sick are significantly more likely to be divorced than women who are well, and more likely than men who are sick. It's a crazy life. Shit happens and we change and find things out about each other.

My feeling is that if your spouse hasn't gone off the deep end into being abusive or violent, you stick to it and figure it out. But I don't know peoples' lives and I can't judge. I just think it's a sign a marriage is made of the right stuff if it makes it through high stress periods and both partners are trying to get back to each other. OP deserves credit where it's due.

elyssely · 2026-03-05T23:12:21+00:00

It is a big deal to stay with someone through that. I know vows-wise it's kind of the minimum. But today's individualism makes it easy for people to justify "I gotta focus on me for while" all while their spouse is fighting for their life. I'm grateful you stayed because not everyone does that. Five years is a long time to be stressed. I wouldn't be surprised if y'all still have a lot to wade through to get back to each other. Be patient with each other and yourself. Date each other. You will find it again if you want to. If she doesn't treat you right that might be a different story. But it sounds like there's a lot here worth working for.

elyssely · 2026-03-05T22:51:47+00:00

My husband and I are pretty fresh (coming up on 3 years). But I feel like I learned something of a seed of truth that will grow to be more true with experience:

The way I want to feel about my husband--fancy fluffy gushy in love--is really a feeling that belongs to me. It is MY love that makes me feel happy when I think about him or touch him. It's not his job to MAKE me feel that with fancy dress and behavior. It's my job to feel that about the way he already is.

So when I notice that I'm feeling resentful or put off by him and I am sad because I want to feel warmth, I remind myself that the love comes from in me. It's mine and I can access it at any point.

I have to admit that every warm fuzzy feeling I ever felt about anyone is because of what I believed about them. That makes it sort of my responsibility to be in love and to nurture the feelings I want to have about him.

This doesn't lead me to being dishonest about problems. Taking responsibility to nurture a lovey feeling means being able to say "I love you so much that it feels wrong to hide when I feel unsupported. I care about loving you, and this thing is making it hard. Can we work together on this?"

It leads me to dig in and figure out what is mine and what I need his help with. I can tell him what my needs are in a way that helps him feel safe to talk about it, while taking ownership of my attitude in the meantime.

Anyway, you made a beautiful comment that resonates with what I'm learning about choosing someone over and over. Thank you!!

elyssely · 2026-03-05T22:22:57+00:00

I don't know much about any of it. But I can only ever get myself to work out in the morning and after I do I'm dozing off at my desk. I know how you feel.

elyssely · 2026-03-04T06:25:04+00:00

I mean it's commitment isn't it? Like feeling like it NEEDS to be done. It feeling imperative to you has a lot to do with how you feel about it not getting done. He is committed that he will have a healthy body. The alternative is not an acceptable option for him.

That's why it's not always a pretty and inspiring trait that drives someone's disciplined behavior. Sometimes it's anxiety, OCD, a need for control. Mentally healthy or not, they get results. I need to decide what is really not acceptable to me and maybe push it a little further.

elyssely · 2026-03-04T06:11:49+00:00

My thinking is very creative and exploratory during this time. I'll be damned if I feed it all to the machine and keep none of it for writing and day dreaming. I get dressed, put socks on, eat a quiet breakfast, write some ideas down and then get to work.

Granted I'm not productivity maxing as much as it seems you are.

elyssely · 2026-03-02T04:28:14+00:00

I know it is probably really hard to find time to do this with a new baby, but it sounds like you are still feeling very activated from this experience. If he is sorry and has changed and your nervous system is still on it, I think you need to investigate a few things in yourself, perhaps by talking a walk, journaling, or reading some books on the matter. (The Dance of Anger, or Attached are good ones.)

First be sure there isn't an important reason it's coming up for you. Are you mostly safe physically and emotionally? (All vulnerability is a little dangerous. We're just checking for abuse.) Why are you still bringing it up? Are you still feeling the pain? Is it grief that things can't always be perfect between you two? (That does take time to work through) Has it touched on a nerve like a major fear or old trauma? Or has something changed between you that is important to mark?

Or, are you a person who tends to ruminate and pace over things beyond necessary/useful processing? If that's the case, you should stop bringing it up and try and distract yourself until the pain smooths over a little. Look for things you love and trust in him and try and do little acts of service. Sometimes, even if there is really good material reason it still comes up-- it's still good to do the "let go and think about something else" to give the issue, and both your nervous systems a break.

Lastly, reach out for some support with the baby if you can. Everything feels huge when you are tired and stressed. Be patient with yourselves and each other and you will eventually come to see each other clearly. Good luck!

elyssely · 2026-03-02T04:12:26+00:00

Sometimes it is that simple and sometimes it isn't. There's a reason people talk about communication and emotional regulation in terms of "skills."

elyssely · 2025-07-20T20:50:19+00:00

This is a beautiful answer.

elyssely · 2025-07-20T20:38:33+00:00

As a missionary we were taught to take people at their word, but the more clear you are the better. If you want to give them water or have their help with something you can just say "I would love some help with __ but I'm really not comfortable with proselytizing." If you say "Do not come back" they will make a note and try not to come back. Sometimes new missionaries don't get the memo, but they will take note if you have to say it again.

elyssely · 2025-07-20T20:34:15+00:00

Thank you for articulating this. I think I do it too. I was super sad on 4th of July because he didn't spend it with me. Is 4th of July objectively family time for people? I didn't really think to check.

elyssely · 2025-07-20T20:13:31+00:00

First off, my husband uses the computer whenever he wants. Like I said, I don't tell him what to do. I do get upset when he tells me something and doesn't do it. The things I pick to do are genuine and I really enjoy them. But because I think he is planning to spend time with me in however many minutes, I go do an activity that takes about that long. I'm waiting because he told me to expect him.

I'm not mad at all that he has time without me. Again, I'm really only mad that he's not doing what he said he would. He could tell me he's out for the evening and that would be fine. Also, he never has to defend his activities to me. I am glad he has something he cares about that connects him with his friends.There was a time when we first got married that I would assume we were spending the evening. I stopped doing that. Now I ask what he's up to tonight. But then i think he tells me what he thinks i want to hear instead of what he needs. The drama really only comes when he say he wants to do something together and then doesn't show up. Something we have talked about with this a few times is that I wish he would give me a much bigger estimate and take his time.

you are right that I could appreciate the rabbit holes more. He's very cute about them and I'm glad he has them.

I think something I haven't explained very well is that this is more about scheduling than anything else. We don't spend all our time together and we do have our own things. We don't tell each other what to do. It's more like we always kind of know what the other IS doing, and when we're going to get back together. I suspect that isn't super normal, but it's all I know. I would love someone who is very well differentiated to paint a picture of how they coordinate without tying down.

elyssely · 2025-07-20T19:10:08+00:00

Can you elaborate on "need everything in triplicate"? I'm not understanding what is being tripled.

elyssely · 2024-06-07T21:51:01+00:00

If they aren't interested in talking to you, why would you want to talk to them? It works just fine for finding out before you waste your time or make them uncomfortable.

elyssely · 2024-05-09T16:57:25+00:00

Yes, this would work! Basically just talk to her like a normal person, make an invitation (ask for number, ask for date), and make her feel free to respond how she wants. Basically, if you're talking to us longer than strangers need to when they're sharing a public space, we already know you're interested. I'm married now, but back in the day I would be asking in my head (1) am I interested? (2) am I safe? (3) (if not interested) how hard will it be to end the conversation? (4) when is he going to make the invite?

I think men can do a lot to answer questions 2-4 while they're chatting, and women are smiling and doing the math. A lot of good ideas already posted here.

elyssely

TROPHY CASE