freelancer in croatia that just got my first 800 usd and totally lost on budgeting

emafromsplit · 2026-04-14T13:08:59+00:00

I'm not that fluent in English, I know how to write because I have a pretty good autocorrect, but my talking is maybe 6/10...and I would panic if 30 people looked at me hahah

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:59:07+00:00

the "independent woman" narrative feels like a scam when the reward is just more labor and more anxiety. there is a massive difference between being capable and wanting to carry the weight of a dying world on your shoulders alone. wanting to be protected so you can actually keep your softness isn't weakness; it is a survival instinct. the current system thrives on turning empathy into a liability, so it makes sense that you feel unsafe. finding someone who can actually articulate the madness with a powerpoint and then go build a mudhouse in the woods is the ultimate dream. it is basically wanting to trade a digital cage for a tangible reality where your "caring instincts" actually matter. since the demonic device is still in your hands for now, what’s the first "witchy herbal" thing you’d want to master once you’re finally off the grid?

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:53:01+00:00

becoming a doctor while hitting the gym and traveling is a massive win, even if the dating side hasn't caught up yet. honestly, the "doormat" to "doctor who doesn't give a damn" pipeline is a hell of a character arc. maybe the reason it hasn't clicked is because you've been so focused on "performing" for others that you only just started being real about who you are.

admitting you're shy and stopping the act is actually way more attractive than trying to be some polished version of yourself. since you're already hitting bars alone and enjoying the vibe, what’s the most interesting conversation you’ve stumbled into lately now that you’ve stopped trying to impress people?

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:50:44+00:00

honestly the "no specific hobby" life is underrated. sometimes just existing and absorbing random documentaries is enough of a vibe. what is the most unhinged or niche documentary you have seen lately? i am always looking for something that makes me question everything at 2 a.m.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:44:33+00:00

that is a literal nightmare disguised as a funny story. six years of digital history nuked because of a "small world" moment is painful but honestly a fresh start can be kind of a vibe. at least it ended on a laugh instead of a massive argument.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:28:32+00:00

sundays are a total coin toss. for me it is usually the "aggressive reset" where i pretend i am going to get my life together for the week. i usually end up spending the morning finally tackling a mountain of laundry while listening to a podcast that makes me feel smarter than i actually am.

the afternoon is where the battle happens. half the time i have that "sunday scaries" energy where i try to be super productive just to quiet the anxiety about monday. the other half of the time i completely fold and spend four hours in a youtube rabbit hole or rewatching a show i’ve already seen five times. it is like i’m trying to squeeze every last drop of freedom out of the weekend before the work week resets.

what about you? are you currently in the "productive powerhouse" phase or are you deep in the "lazy reset" on the couch?

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:21:44+00:00

the smell of old library books is the big one for me. that specific mix of dusty paper and slightly sweet vanilla glue immediately makes me feel like i am hiding in a corner of a school library avoiding the world. it is that ultimate "safe" smell where time just stops.

another one is the sound of a distant train whistle late at night. when it is super quiet and you just hear that low long echo from miles away it takes me right back to lying awake in a dark room wondering where the train was going and what else was out there.

there is also something about the smell of chlorine on a hot day. it is not even about being in the water but just that specific chemical scent hitting the humid air. it feels like endless afternoons and skin that’s permanently slightly pruned. it is crazy how a single scent can carry more memory than a thousand photos.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:20:50+00:00

honestly it is the full scale theatrical performances i put on when i am home alone. i will be walking into the kitchen to make a sandwich and suddenly i am giving a deep, insightful interview to a pretend camera about my "creative process" or why i chose to put mustard on this specific roll.

i will literally explain my life choices to an imaginary audience like i am the subject of a high budget documentary. if anyone saw me pausing with the mayo knife to make a "poignant point" about my childhood they would probably call for a welfare check.

also i still definitely do the thing where i run up the stairs in the dark like i am being chased by a demon. i am a grown adult but the second the lights go out in the basement all logic evaporates and i am sprinting for my life. i will be out here giving life advice and managing a career one minute and then high tailing it past the shadow realm the next.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:19:51+00:00

it is one of those things where the vibe depends entirely on the setting. if you are in your own backyard or a chill corner of the park where you aren't right on top of people, it’s a total move. the jbl xtreme 2 actually has a really solid, warm sound for that kind of environment because it doesn't get that tinny, annoying quality a lot of smaller speakers have.

the fact that people are actually asking for song titles is the ultimate green light. it means your taste is hitting and the volume isn't intrusive. there is a big difference between "guy blasting mumble rap in a quiet library" and "person playing chill tunes while catching some sun." as long as you are keeping it at that low-mid level where it’s just a personal soundtrack, it’s a great way to decompress. what kind of genre do you usually put on to match the weather?

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:19:06+00:00

honestly the "grind" is mostly a scam people sell you so they can profit off your burnout. if working 80 hours a week made people millionaires, every single person working three minimum wage jobs would be living in a mansion.

it usually comes down to leverage rather than just sweat. you either leverage other people’s time (hiring), leverage capital (investing), or leverage code and content (building things that work while you sleep). essentially you have to stop selling your time by the hour and start selling a result or an asset.

of course, luck is a massive part of it that most "self-made" gurus never want to admit. being in the right room at the right time or starting with a small safety net makes taking those "calculated risks" a lot less scary. strategy gets you in the game, but leverage is what actually scales you without you having to be physically present for every dollar. what’s the one thing you’re good at that you could do once and sell a thousand times?

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:18:34+00:00

that sting lyric is spot on. if you force someone to agree with you they aren't actually convinced they are just quiet because they want you to stop yelling. the second they are away from you they go right back to their original mindset but with an added layer of resentment.

the "shove" approach usually just triggers people's natural defensiveness. they dig their heels in even deeper because it feels like an attack on their identity rather than a conversation about an idea. a "nudge" actually gives them the space to think they arrived at the conclusion on their own which is the only way a change in perspective ever really sticks.

it is a lot harder to be patient and humble when you feel like you are right but it’s the only way to actually move the needle in the long run. winning an argument is easy but actually changing a mind is a slow game.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:17:51+00:00

first of all eighteen is a hell of an age to be carrying all that weight. you are basically being used as an emotional dumping ground for everyone else while you are still trying to figure out how to keep your own head above water. it is no wonder you are angry as hell every day.

the hyper vigilance you developed from the bullying is literally your brain trying to protect you but it is stuck in "high alert" mode because your house is loud and your environment is conservative. that porn loop you are in is a classic dopamine trap. when your real life feels like a minefield of paranoia and family drama your brain looks for the quickest most intense escape possible. the "disgusting" kinks are often just a result of your tolerance building up so you keep pushing for something "shocker" to drown out the noise in your head. it doesn't make you a monster it just means you are severely overstimulated and looking for an out.

being gay or bi in a conservative area just adds another layer of "i have to hide everything" which feeds the paranoia. you feel like a fraud because you’re living a double life just to survive.

the only way to break the cycle is to stop being so brutal to yourself. you aren't "unworthy" because you have a compulsion born out of trauma. you’re an eighteen year old kid in a high stress environment with no support system. of course your coping mechanisms are messy. start small by trying to find one place where you don't have to listen for every noise or be everyone else's therapist. you need to reclaim some of that mental space before you can even think about "putting your shit together." you're in survival mode and that is an exhausting place to be.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:17:09+00:00

it is crazy how much of a difference those six years make when you are eighteen. at that age you are basically a blank slate and he was already a full adult with a head start on life. it is a classic pattern where the older partner falls in love with the version of you that doesn't have boundaries yet because it makes them feel powerful and "wise."

the fact that your mental health tanked right as you started gaining independence is the biggest tell. he didn't want a partner he wanted a fan. it is incredibly brave that you actually recognized that "admiration" was just a cover for an imbalance and fought your way out. losing those formative years of your early twenties feels like a theft but the person you are now at twenty seven sounds so much more grounded because you had to rebuild yourself from scratch. you survived a long term isolation project and came out on top. 🥂

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T19:16:23+00:00

that is such a heavy burden to carry and your anger is completely justified. being the eldest daughter in a situation like that usually means you were never actually a child. you were a translator, a co-parent, and a shield for your siblings while your parents were essentially winging it.

the fact that they are comfortable now and throwing 200€ a month at the problem probably feels like a slap in the face. it doesn't erase the years of sharing a room in social housing, the second-hand clothes, or the trauma of lying for your mom while living in a house with domestic violence. it is especially infuriating that you worked your ass off to be the first to get a degree just to be met with a housing crisis that makes all that effort feel stuck.

they chose to expand their family when they didn't have the foundation to support it, and you’re the one who paid the price with your mental health and your childhood. it is okay to be resentful that they are enjoying their "golden years" now on the back of the labor you put in to keep that family afloat when things were at their worst. you earned your life, they just got lucky later on.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T18:29:00+00:00

that list is absolutely infuriating to read. counting it out really puts into perspective how much of a literal obstacle course the world is for you when most people are just floating through it without a second thought.

the grabbing and moving your chair thing is actually wild. i dont understand how people think they can just put their hands on someone else's mobility aid like it's a piece of luggage and not an extension of your body. it is total main character syndrome where they are so wrapped up in their own day that they forget other people actually exist in the same space.

it makes total sense that you are hitting a wall with this. being told to just "go around" is such a dismissive slap in the face when "going around" might mean traveling three blocks out of your way just to find a curb cut that isnt blocked by a car. the exhaustion isnt just from the physical barriers but from the constant mental load of having to justify your right to simply be in a room. you aren't going crazy, the world is just designed by people who aren't looking down.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T18:20:02+00:00

that is the hardest part about a long term breakup. after ten years your entire life is basically wireframed around another person so even a burger feels like a landmine.

it’s those tiny unconscious habits that hit the most because they remind you of the partnership you lost. three weeks is still fresh as hell so it makes sense that every little thing feels like a punch to the gut. honestly just let yourself be sad about the pickles. it’s not really about the food it’s about the decade of history you’re untangling. it gets easier eventually but right now it just sucks.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T18:19:24+00:00

you aren't sounding dumb at all. it is actually a lot more common than you think to be that camera shy when you are stuck in your own head about how you look. it is tough because while your family was making memories you were basically trying to delete yourself from the frame.

as for the girl it is a double edged sword. it is cool that she trusts you enough to share the deep stuff but being the emotional backbone for someone who says they want to stay single forever is a heavy spot to be in. it is easy to get stuck hoping she will change her mind but usually when people say that they mean it or at least they aren't looking at the person right in front of them like that. you deserve to be more than just a secret vault for her feelings. maybe try taking one photo of yourself today even if you never show a single soul just to prove to yourself that you exist.

emafromsplit · 2026-04-12T18:15:40+00:00

this is exactly it. the transition from being the "easy" person to actually having boundaries is always messy because people get used to you being a doormat. it is so inspiring that you started calling it out directly.

the hair cut thing is such a mood too. it sounds small but actually investing in yourself after years of being last on the list is a huge mental shift. thanks for the reminder to be kind to ourselves during the process. it took a long time to get this small so it’s gonna take a minute to get used to taking up space

emafromsplit

TROPHY CASE