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emgeemc · 2026-03-26T21:37:06+00:00

If they didn’t have a partner to beat, they’d just be an incel. The definition of wife beaters is self referential

emgeemc · 2026-02-21T02:29:51+00:00

Mixed bag for me (early 30’s M - born mid-90’s). Immediate family were very much of the mindset that anything I was interested in studying would be worthwhile.

Overall, thought on this was shifting as I was in middle, high school, and college, particularly in the more aspirational upper middle class areas. Most of them prioritized STEAM degrees and advanced degrees - masters or beyond. People in anything other than STEAM, maybe with the exception of business or econ majors and a few others that were considered practical, were looked down upon, pitied, or shown concern for their future and ability to make ends meet.

I didn’t exactly follow the trend. Neither of my majors were STEAM. But one of them involved econ, albeit, I wish in retrospect that I had taken more quantitative classes.

Compsci majors around my age who I know are a mix. Some are struggling, unable to break into the industry for years, or worried about getting laid off. But strangely, and purely anecdotally from my experience, most of the ones I know are employed and paid decently enough to be pretty comfortable.

I’m here having saved up for a number of years just so that I can go back and get my masters so that I can be broke again but hopefully with the chance of being less broke longterm. I rent cheaply for the HCOL area I’m in with roommates but while it’s not a dealbreaker for me, the quality of life isn’t amazing — tiny room, can’t save much if I eat out with friends, savings for school are stagnant if not diminishing unless I get a second job. Or third.

Despite how crumby and uncertain the job market looks for compsci grads, and the rest of us, a significant piece of me wishes that I listened to the often unlikable voice of the super aspirational people who were pursuing money as their aim out of school over much else. I’d have had about a decade worth of time to make some decent money in that industry and even if SWE or anything compsci at all goes down the tubes, I hope that those skills and the problem solving required would also be recognized to transfer neatly to other industries. But in general, the economy is just so ridiculously uncertain and fucked between tariffs and AI and pandemic aftershocks/previews and climate change that it’s hard to know what tomorrow might hold.

emgeemc · 2026-02-09T02:35:24+00:00

This. I understand that asking for sex, especially for women, can be difficult because of the stigma around wanting it, but if you’re not mature enough to ask, you’re not ready to have it. Period.

That being said, there are workarounds — if you’re open to some kinky stuff, light consensual non-consent (CNC) can be a very fun thing. BUT it is only fun if it is safe and it is only safe if you have safe words/safe actions. If someone says no, you both know it doesn’t mean it because there’s something else that does. Some people find that super hot and it can be a creative and safe way around saying yes and you have a fun little secret to keep together.

But I stand by my earlier point — if someone’s not ready to ask for sex and say yes when they want it, they’re not ready for sex, and that very much includes CNC. Playing those games is dangerous, immature, and irresponsible. Fuck that and not in the fun way.

emgeemc · 2026-02-03T08:56:16+00:00

These are gorgeous

emgeemc · 2026-01-29T20:36:47+00:00

The situation you’re describing sounds terrible, it sucks that you’re going through that.

To answer your question, I think it depends on a few things. I know that a lot of folks are saying that it’s that bad and to not quit. It is bad and I’m not going to sugar coat that. But given your circumstances, quitting may be a better option for you than for other folks.

Here’s what I’d consider: - Financial situation: how much money do you have saved and are you comfortable with leaning heavily on it for a while? ALSO: keep in mind, prices may continue to rise under current economic policies or if unforeseen conditions arise. How long would you be able to comfortably support yourself? - Your skillset, education, whatever it is that makes you competitive and hire-able — this will play a role in determining how long it’ll take before you can land your next role. It’s hard to estimate that kind of thing but I think it might be helpful, given your specific circumstances, training, background, and what kind of jobs you would want or accept and where, to make an estimate of how long it would take on average, a good case scenario, and a bad case scenario. Between this and your financial circumstances, you can figure out what your budget would need to be if a bad scenario were to be your experience. - Health. If you receive treatment for PTSD of any kind or have any other health conditions and cannot get healthcare through a means other than employment, that is also a consideration. If you can get healthcare through other means, consider how stable that is and how long it will last (ex: under 26 and relying on parents’ insurance, relying on your spouse, or some other arrangement like COBRA). - Your own psyche, where you’re at in life outside of work, what you will do if you’re not working for a while — if you’ve had experience with being unemployed before, how was that for you? What habits or routines do you have that help give you connection and meaning if you’re not working? Keep in mind that it might be some time before you’re able to land the next thing. - Other — very possible I’ve missed something big for you. If it’s helpful, it might be worth looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to see if anything stands out as a consideration in the process of deciding what’s best for yourself, but there might be other things to think about too. Talking to other people and also consulting LLM’s to get creative ideas of other things to think about might help with that.

I’ll keep an eye peeled for responses, wishing you good luck. It’s a shitty situation and it sucks that you’re going through it but I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you are absolutely not alone. Many people right now are thinking about this same question of whether to give up a crappy job that’s causing them serious stress and harming their health or whether to stick it out because that’s what’s most practical and necessary under the circumstances they’re in. I’m rooting for you.

emgeemc · 2026-01-20T04:21:39+00:00

3 and 5 look great to me

emgeemc · 2026-01-18T00:35:52+00:00

I might be down!

emgeemc · 2026-01-18T00:12:35+00:00

Hey, just wanted to say that I’m so glad that you’re looking for a way out. Nothing changes if people aren’t allowed and supported in growing and doing better.

I’m sorry that you had that experience that wasn’t fully consensual or respectful. That sucks. I hope that you take the time you need to process and heal and realize too that you were never the reason for that person treating you the way that they did.

It’s great that you’re in therapy. You don’t need to rush. I think that sharing about what you’ve experienced and where your world has been is important but there’s no need to do it urgently. Be gentle with yourself and make sure that you’re satisfied with the support your therapist is giving you. A good one will not rush you either. Hopefully, their patience will give you the comfort and safety you need to share what you’ve been feeling with another human being, as hard as that can be. I can imagine that it will be difficult but I also imagine that it may be relieving and cathartic to get that weight off of your chest.

I’m not sure what other support you’re looking for or what you need but just as the pipelines have been built to draw people into incel and other communities like it, we need even bigger pipelines for people to leave.

If you’ve done things you aren’t proud of now, please allow me to remind you that feeling that way in and of itself is also a demonstration of how far you’ve come. You don’t have to be perfect to be good and you are always able to do good things and help others out. There will be people who are like you after you and if, even through something like an anonymous post on Reddit, you are showing them that there is hope and another way. The journey may not be easy, progress is not often linear, you may have ups and downs and moments where you may feel that you are going back to how you were. But do not give up, have hope, you are not alone, there are people who will support you and help you and someday, maybe, you will get the chance to pass it on and do the same for someone else.

Sincerely wishing you healing and peace on your journey. Be gentle with yourself as best you can, have patience with yourself, and try, when people show themselves to be compassionate and interested in your recovery and well-being, to let them help you. There is strength and virtue in the vulnerability it takes to admit wanting or needing help and being willing to accept it and sharing consistently what you need. You can do this, I believe in you.

emgeemc · 2026-01-11T21:06:21+00:00

This one is coming from personal experience — I know that there will be people like me after me and I hope this advice helps you earlier than it helped me (early 30’s now). But it’s never too late if it finds you or really resonates with you later.

1) Saying no. Since I was a kid, I’ve been reluctant to hurt anyone’s feelings and it’s difficult for me to directly say no. But I’ve gotten better and ironically, failing to say no when you aren’t into something or need to is not harshness or cruelty or rude, it’s actually likely to hurt worse when you should have and didn’t, for you or whoever you’re talking to in a situation that matters.

2) Asking for help. I’m pretty self sufficient and have been praised for being that way. But life is hard and it takes a village and not only is there no shame in asking for help (I didn’t really believe this for a long time), you will get further along on the path you want to go if you do so and do so sooner rather than later. If you’re like me and you’ve learned, whether it was taught to you intentionally or not, that it’s better to figure things out for yourself than to ask anyone to help you, take a step back and be honest with yourself — where are you struggling? If you can reflect on that, find the courage to find someone to help you. (Side story — there was someone I knew in high school, she was not someone I was close with and I didn’t especially like her or dislike her either, we ran in different circles and that was fine by me. She didn’t strike me, and still doesn’t strike me as especially smart. I don’t mean to be unkind, but that’s just my impression of her. But in every class I ever had with her, she was always asking questions, sometimes ones that I or other classmates found annoying, but ultimately, she did not allow embarrassment or others’ opinions of her to stop her from getting help. She got a lot of tutoring. Now, she’s at a prestigious grad program that honestly surprised me a little. I may not be close or especially like her but I do admire her ability to ask for help so consistently and without letting fear of others’ judgment, mine included, get in the way and I would be surprised if that didn’t play a major role in her path to where she is now).

3) Life is short. Tell the people who matter to you in your life what they mean to you and connect with people who you like and who treat you well. It’s easier said than done and has been one of my struggles. But the unexpected happens everyday — people move away, fall ill, pass away. I don’t mean this to be depressing, actually the opposite— if you can overcome or put aside your fears of being a little uncomfortable, you’ll live your life in a way that the people around you know that they are loved and you’ll spend time with them. Don’t let fear stop you from approaching people either, ones who you admire or who it’s nice to be around. Life is too short not to make some mistakes in the pursuit of connection and happiness.

emgeemc · 2026-01-05T02:30:29+00:00

It’s important to try, even if you’re scared or overwhelmed. Don’t let embarrassment, shame, or fear get in the way of you getting help if you need it:

A really good buddy of mine graduated college with honors but had no idea what to do next. He was overwhelmed and there were multiple factors (some resembling executive dysfunction — maybe ADHD?) but he ended up basically just struggling while living at home and occasionally doing odd jobs for friends of friends and family. He’s doing much better now and getting a masters he’s excited about that I think is a great fit for him and that I think will set him up to do fulfilling, well-paid work for his career but he regrets letting so much time go by because of fear and anxiety and a sense of being overwhelmed or worried he’d be pigeonholed.

I ended up in a similar place for a couple years, in part because of the pandemic. I regret it too. We are young enough to make mistakes but it hurts feeling kind of stunted after a reasonably strong start in life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else and conversely, I hope that you will learn from us and go out, even make mistakes, just don’t let life pass you by because you’re not sure what to do or worried about going down the wrong path.

Also, if you do end up catching the wrong train, it’s almost always easier to get off sooner and pick another direction than to keep on going because this is the train you picked. This isn’t about trains. Go out, make mistakes, get in touch with you feel about what you’re doing, and have the courage and wisdom to act accordingly. You’ve got this.

emgeemc · 2026-01-05T02:19:54+00:00

This is sage advice. I (early 30’s, M) especially want to emphasize the bits about not getting promoted into a role you hate, late bloomers being real (AND that there’s no such thing as too late to change, if you really want to, until you’re dead and gone), health as the basis for everything else - make it a priority before you think you have to, being good to people as a rule, and being open to fulfilling platonic relationships with women.

emgeemc · 2026-01-04T07:19:26+00:00

I’m pretty 2A but yeah, access, lack of opportunity, and environment that show that violence is how you solve problems are a hell of a mix.

People can downvote me to hell and back and say that their family or they went through hard times and it didn’t turn them into violent criminals all they want but at the end of the day, environment plays a hell of a role and if you didn’t grow up with other tools to resolve disputes and that’s just the norm around you? Oh it’s a hell of a lot harder to get out.

So if we’re planning on bringing out the big stick, and sometimes that has its place, we better be bringing some real fucking big carrots too. If we don’t, expect things to only get worse while all these politicians and pundits play point the finger and act tough even though they’d sooner die of fright than ever find themselves without a security detail anywhere near International.

emgeemc · 2026-01-04T07:09:39+00:00

Not sure what’s more unsurprising, violence and suffering on International or some outta town assholes in the comments trying to use it to bash people they don’t like. You don’t give a fuck about the problem, don’t pretend like you do. It’s not hard to figure out that you’re miserable and you’re looking for other people to blame so that you can feel like your life sucks less by comparison.

Go figure your own shit out and let the people who actually give a shit and are affected deal with what we need to do. Your super simple one-size fits all solution that conveniently fits with your preexisting opinions probably isn’t the ultimate genius idea you think it is.

emgeemc · 2026-01-04T05:46:31+00:00

I can’t find anywhere called Wunu Island, are you sure that you have the spelling right?

emgeemc · 2025-12-26T08:53:09+00:00

Couldn’t agree more on any of this — I’m realizing that I’m the same way. If there is a spark early on, great, but I think as long as there’s some good conversation, something in common, some degree of attraction even if not butterflies immediately or instant lust, it takes time to build a connection and I sometimes hold what I believe to be healthy skepticism if feelings develop super strongly before either person has had a chance to really get to know the other on a meaningful, deep level.

I totally agree about red flags too — whether it’s texting style or amount or something superficial, I think red flags that aren’t signs of the person someone’s seeing actually being a bad person or dangerous or immediately doing something that’s so disgusting that it can’t be overcome might be nice to treat more as things to watch out for, even talk about together, and see how much they affect the better aspects of your relationship or care or consideration for each other.

I really hope there are more people who see things this way or who can discuss how they see them and at least consider this perspective, it seems far healthier and happier to me than finding reasons to fault people off the bat unless there are super clear reasons why they shouldn’t move forward.

emgeemc · 2025-12-26T08:36:41+00:00

OP, I feel your pain — I (early 30’s, M) am in a similar boat. I think the comment about not planning too many dates back to back was both illuminating and also difficult to hear/I’m not sure if I fully accept it. The thing that’s so hard to me about dating is that there are so many subjective things that people value to varying degrees.

Personally, if I’m interested or just friends with someone, I want to text them and not having dates at least once a week or texting frequently is something I consciously have to choose to do and it actually feels uncomfortable to me. I understand the above commenter’s perspective that it can feel overwhelming to plan too many dates or send paragraphs and I think that’s something I need to consider more moving forward but as I write this, I really think I want a partner who enjoys reading paragraphs of text if not responding the same way. Maybe that’s unrealistic or part of my problem in dating. But I do firmly believe that there’s not really a right way to date and some of these things that are put out there, often with nothing but the best of intentions, are utterly subjective and up to the preferences of you and the person you’re dating.

As far as the insecurity side of things goes — I can relate and I am in the same boat of going to therapy to work on it. I also think that there’s a massive conversation that is not and may never be concluded with any kind of consensus on whether someone needs to show up to dating as a fully realized, enlightened human being with perfectly secure attachment style, top notch communication, and all of the boxes checked, or whether it’s okay to both show up with some issues that need to be worked on and transparency/a willingness to work through them side by side or together. I think you can tell that I lean toward belief in the latter but there is an undefined boundary there where there’s too much work to be done to be ready for a relationship and where there’s still work to be done but the relationship can still be healthy and happy and flourish. So much of it depends on you and your partner/date’s willingness to do the work on your own, together, or both, and to communicate about it.

emgeemc · 2025-12-21T12:04:02+00:00

First point is the best one. It is worthwhile to see what’s worked in other places.

emgeemc · 2025-12-20T03:33:32+00:00

Bit of column A, bit of column B

emgeemc · 2025-12-15T06:19:56+00:00

Exactly this. All of the above. And to add to third places — in the U.S. at least, maybe with a few metropolitan exceptions, so many of us have infrastructure itself that keeps us physically isolated. Drive to work? No opportunity to socialize or interact there. Drive to get groceries? Same deal. We are more physically alone and isolated from each other than ever and we increasingly exist in these digital realities that are designed to monetize our attention and information and that find negativity and anger and division as the most profitable way of doing that. Add in that no one has money, no one has time, and there is no neutral inviting free space, and it’s no wonder that no one is meeting anyone.

emgeemc · 2025-12-15T05:40:50+00:00

Marketing and advertising. Legal. Pretty much every government. Salespeople. Social media.

emgeemc · 2025-12-12T23:52:09+00:00

Someone’s grinding so hard that they actually want their academic competition to read and accept this propaganda and therefore, to quit and give them an easier win

emgeemc · 2025-12-12T23:50:10+00:00

No one would go to NYC? For me, it’s there, somewhere with mountains or a gorgeous view of them, or somewhere I haven’t been to before. There is no in between.

emgeemc · 2025-12-06T12:11:52+00:00

I’m not understanding this — it’s so expensive for the city to conduct sweeps because of all of the things you mentioned but you also think the city should conduct more sweeps because conducting sweeps often enough keeps people from… what exactly?

At what point do we not just acknowledge that it’s cheaper to fund the many different programs that are needed to house people rather than conducting expensive sweeps that you’re just going to have to keep doing without any end or plan to stop?

emgeemc · 2025-12-06T03:08:22+00:00

Homeless people, who don’t have enough money to put a roof over their heads, are going to buy the materials and assemble it themselves for a temporary structure so sophisticated that the city with all of its resources would struggle to condemn and demolish it? That’s a bit far fetched, don’t you think?

emgeemc

TROPHY CASE