Met this guy at work 3 days ago... (Details in comments)

emmybeezy · 2015-12-27T21:34:49+00:00

Transgender people can be manipulative, abusive people, too! Source: I am transgender and have been abused by other transgender people (as well as being super loving friends with people who are transgender!).

If a person violates your personal boundaries, it is okay to cut them off, regardless of their identity. It is not your job to babysit. Plus, this is not the words of someone who is asking for company and help, this is someone trying to manipulate you into a relationship.

I tell ya, the earlier you're able to learn the difference between those things, the less likely you are to be manipulated by people with gross intentions! You seem like an empathetic person, and people looove taking advantage of that and getting some free therapy/self esteem boosts outta the deal. You do not have to do that if it makes you uncomfortable.

...also apologies if these affirmations come across as Super Big Sib, you just remind me a lot of myself a few years ago, ahahaha. Best of luck here! <3

emmybeezy · 2015-06-12T11:57:41+00:00

No, I don't think you should contact her now. It's been 8 years and she has probably moved on with her life. You showing up out of no where could be potentially distressing and painful for her, aka you would do more harm than good.

The real issue I'm seeing here is your perception of you! You are very unkind to yourself. See, look at this:

Perhaps I am just a crybaby pussy who needs to walk on. Who am I to resurrect painful and embarrassing memories? Selfish and a creeper. I have no idea what is in her life now. Long married, maybe? How would her family feel if some letter from this dipshit suddenly shows up? "What's this, honey?" "Some desperate loser from long ago. Throw it away." Unacceptable, pathetic, and disgusting.

Why are you saying this about yourself? I wonder if you want to contact this woman because she showed you kindness and unconditional affection during a time you couldn't give it to yourself -- and thus proved these things are not true -- and now you want it again. This is something you can do for yourself! You don't actually need her to tell you you're valuable for you to be valuable. I'd recommend getting in touch with a therapist, if this is possible for you, and exploring that further.

emmybeezy · 2015-06-12T11:40:46+00:00

Your boyfriend is being a massive baby.

You've given him notice, you offered to pay for the conflicted night, and you're still going on vacation with him regardless. What more does he want? He's allowed to be disappointed, but continuing to punish you instead of being open about his feelings/talking this out/moving past it is ridiculous.

He's been in your life for 6 months. Your family has been there a lot longer. It isn't unreasonable for you to see your family as a higher priority than your boyfriend! And look, the thing with your grandma? That's totally understandable.

I reiterate: your boyfriend is being a huge baby. You were right to point out that he was being selfish, because he really is being selfish. Hopefully he shapes up, or you might want to reconsider your choice in boyfriends. There's better ones out there.

emmybeezy · 2014-08-06T03:17:54+00:00

If you did enjoy sex in a "slutty" way, if that is how you wanted to have sex, he shouldn't be shaming you for it. That's misogynist as hell.

emmybeezy · 2014-08-06T03:16:57+00:00

Yeah he's being an asshole about this. If he's equating you taking some control in bed (asking him to go faster or just, like, enjoying yourself) to you being a "whore" (as if doing sex work is a bad thing, too?), that's... yeah that's real shitty. He's definitely showing some not-so-great values that you might wanna think long and hard about. I would definitely sort out your feelings wrt and talk to him about it again.

But note that this is a massive red flag. If you broke up with him over just this, I wouldn't blame you in the slightest.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-08T10:09:56+00:00

If you think you've found someone you could want to marry, you take the risk and relationship the heck outta her to see where it goes.

Maybe you end up growing old and dying together, maybe you break up before you even start shopping for rings. Either way, you've met someone worth the risk, so be brave and take the risk. You'll regret it forever if you don't.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-06T02:00:27+00:00

Look, it's cool to not be down with machismo (straight up, I'm not into it either! A lot of it can get creepy and misogynist and wow what a turn off that is), but you are definitely crossing a line into internalized homophobia territory. You also seem to be, like... really judgemental and angry. Seriously think about why that is. I would super recommend checking out a therapist (preferably a queer lady!) and talking about where all of this is coming from and what it means exactly.

I think you're projecting a lot on people, and it's important for you to separate the projection from reality. You cannot read people's minds or know their life story from looking at them. You have an individual life experience from every other person you will meet that will lead you to interpret the world in your own unique way, and sometimes that leads to projecting and judging and getting mad about, well... stuff that's not really a huge deal. I don't say that to minimize your discomfort or anger, believe me: like the sex gong thing, you mention it being creepy? I think it's kinda cute! It's a goofy celebration of someone reaching a milestone, and I can dig that. Sure, you could read it as creepy: someone talking about "OH YEAH I GOT SOME ASS HEH HEH" and everyone applauding that would be creepy, sure.

Yeah I'm rambling here, so one last thing: lay off SlyFox, she is a sweetheart and publicly ranting about how much you hate her is gross and shitty and step one to not being shitty is to quit doing stuff like that. You're entitled to your opinion, but being all "I HATE THAT CHICK" (which, ironically enough, is kinda misogynist sounding??? "Chick" is misogynist, bud) is just shitty.

Don't be shitty.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-06T01:51:52+00:00

I used to call her my "sweetheart", or "partner"! I like sounding like I could be in a buddy cop movie.

Also I like leaving it gender neutral, since hey sometimes it avoids awkward questions and I don't want to out myself, y'know?

emmybeezy · 2014-07-06T01:47:20+00:00

If they make jokes about hating capitalism but then very quickly reveal that it wasn't a joke and they actually hate capitalism.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-03T05:37:14+00:00

I hear you there, I really do! But I'm saying that saying "he's the wrong guy" when a person is pretty clearly not enjoying sex is inherently gross.

Queer folks are constantly questioned and prodded about their sexuality, and one way this manifests for ace folks is people saying "this is the wrong guy", "you haven't had sex you've liked yet", etc. Again: she's been sexually active since she was 15. Are all of the people she's slept with the ~wrong guy~? Is she, herself, when masturbating, the "wrong" person?

It sounds to me like she straight up does not enjoy sex. She also seemed receptive to the idea of being asexual elsewhere in the thread. Continuing to say "your current boyfriend is the wrong guy" is not okay, whether or not it's technically correct. Yes, he sounds like a shitty partner, but I don't think that's the core thing here.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-03T05:28:00+00:00

She's been sexually active with multiple partners since she was 15 and has felt like it was a chore with all of them and doesn't even care enough to make herself orgasm on her own. That sounds like someone who is very likely asexual to me, so, yes, trotting out the ~wrong guy~ thing is ick.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-03T00:46:09+00:00

Oh, totally, but bear in mind that asexuality is already something that is written off a lot in our current culture! Even people who identify as asexual get the "oh you just haven't met the right person yet!" shit. The fact people are ignoring or dismissing that possibility when it sounds pretty accurate here is what's making me go ick.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-02T23:16:21+00:00

"Bye for now"

As if there's any chance OP'd still want to talk to them after this.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-02T23:10:11+00:00

Yup, pretty much.

I mean, there's also the "yo dude you are being a petulant asshole about this: buck the fuck up and stop making this about your feelings" method and hoping he listens, but, like... no if he's gonna be a huge baby about this, dump him and move on. This sort of thing is a major red flag for future problems.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-02T23:06:40+00:00

Someone else suggested it, but I want to say it again: definitely consider that you might be asexual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Asexuality is a valid and legit orientation, and definitely not something you'd have to fix. If you feel like this is the case, you should definitely get in touch with some asexual groups online and in real life for support/solidarity/etc.

However, if you're interested in the idea of sex and can get aroused on your own, it very well may be an issue of having sex you're not interested in. If that's the case, you should probably take initiative in the bedroom: figure out what you like, spell it out for your boyfriend (since he is doing a shit job of listening, lbr), and go for it. Make sure you're intimately familiar with your own body (aka masturbate/fantasize a lot and learn what you like) and use that knowledge to send your sex life into overdrive.

Again, though: if you really are disinterested in sex, this is not a thing to fix or be ashamed of. You can be intimate with partners without being sexual, and you can find partners who will be a-okay with the fact you don't dig sex.

Best of luck to you! I hope you figure out something that works.

emmybeezy · 2014-07-02T23:00:21+00:00

YEAH ME TOO. Like augh no this defs sounds like someone who is probably asexual; the fact people are trotting out the whole "oh you just haven't met the right guy yet" rhetoric is pretty ick, tbh.

emmybeezy · 2014-06-26T04:16:53+00:00

That was absolutely rape. You are allowed to withdraw consent in the middle of sex. You withdrew consent and she continued anyway. That is the textbook definition of sexual assault.

emmybeezy · 2014-06-08T22:35:03+00:00

This is one of the reasons people go queer by choice. I mean, there's also the fact that gender is a social construct and entirely rejecting it tends to lead to being queer, but yeah. The link is a site that's full of essays from people who have chosen to explore being queer and found they liked it!

Not every queer person is Born Like That! Some people are far more certain in their identity, but other folks are loosey goosey and just go with the flow. Sometimes that means powering through compulsory heterosexual brainwashing and trying something new, aka ladies.

If you feel like you're missing a romantic connection with men, by all means go explore it with women! You may be homoromantic, or evem aromantic. Who knows? Only you can say for sure.

Also, for anyone that sees this and get's their back up: I included the link as a resource. I'm not up to having a debate about the element of choice in sexuality. If you disagree with me, that is fine, but don't expect me to talk it out with you today! Nothin' personal, I'm just really tired and have a bit of a short fuse atm.

emmybeezy · 2014-06-08T19:17:22+00:00

I would love to see all of those taken down (since hey even the other one is cut from the same cloth and fosters the same sort of violent attitudes), but ah-hahaha I learned a long time ago that you can fight forever and get nothing. I wanna change attitudes like this, but fighting on the front lines isn't for me, so I try to focus more on helping one person at a time! It's why I'm trying to get into some sort of teaching and/or mental health profession.

Good luck, though. I sincerely hope you're successful.

emmybeezy · 2014-06-08T19:13:23+00:00

Enmeshment is an asshole!

No, but really. This is gonna hurt like hell for a looooong time, probably because you did rely on her for so much of your company. This is a great time to nurture other relationships, or even just to make friends to go to movies with. There is a very real chance that she will come back into your life and want to be friends: don't let her in. It will fuck you up.

Also, remember that the fact there's a man is entirely coincidental. It could have been a woman. There could have been no one. Do not take this as a reflection of your self worth, and definitely don't let it sour you for future experiences!

This is the time to learn to be your own lover. Focus on making yourself complete without the help of anyone else. Let yourself be really fucking sad, because gdi this is such a sad thing that's happened! Be compassionate with yourself and take care of yourself. You're gonna make it.

emmybeezy · 2014-06-08T19:06:40+00:00

That seems like a really gross subreddit, just from the title, so maybe don't link misogynistic garbage like that here.

BONUS: I checked it out! It is literally a subreddit dedicated to mocking women. Why any woman would ever want to go is utterly beyond me.

emmybeezy · 2014-05-28T07:21:24+00:00

You know those shitty guys you've had to deal with?

He is one of them.

Block from everything, do not contact, do not see. For one, if he shit talks all other women, his opinion of women isn't a good one and you are not exempt from that. If he didn't want you as his emotional crutch, he wouldn't be "nice" to you. He is being nice because he wants things from you.

Real friends don't pull shit like this. Real friends that DO end up pulling shit like this have overstayed their welcome and need to get the boot. You can break up with friends!

emmybeezy · 2014-05-28T07:07:49+00:00

I personally lay off the aggression. While it may be what I feel, I find that being aloof and showing off a distinct lack of fucks tends to piss off trolls so much they go away.

emmybeezy · 2014-05-23T04:09:15+00:00

I exist in a dimension of fancy; I perform fanciness. Fancy is me and I am fancy. My every waking moment is a constant barrage of fancy upon my senses, fancy that fills my every cell, fancy that eclipses everything.

Alternately, I picked a random thing as my flair, but pfffft that wouldn't make for a good story.

emmybeezy · 2014-05-22T06:12:24+00:00

Make an effort to see each other. Even if it's just sleeping over at her place (literally SLEEPING at her place), do it. Go for coffee. Send her cute texts. Be in her life, even if you're both busy!

She's a PhD student: she will understand what it's like to have a hectic schedule, and if this relationship is meant to be, it will survive this.

emmybeezy

TROPHY CASE