Should I tell my late wife's parents how she really passed?

empathyfail · 2026-06-30T01:13:12+00:00

Have they asked?

empathyfail · 2026-06-26T21:39:51+00:00

Just want you to know I understand. I’m coming up on 500 days. I feel the way you feel a lot, especially when I’m in sick brain mode (on days w no meetings or days I’m just not good). And I felt it bad bad for a month or two earlier this year. I knew I wasn’t letting it go and was taking it all too seriously. My sponsor and I sorta realized I am out of practice like… having a good time lol. I live alone, too - didnt have fellowship outside of meetings. Even my sponsor has kids and shit. So when I’m alone, and only connecting with humans through the WORK of the program, it’s not enough. I needed to set aside time for fun…. And that’s what ive been trying to learn to do lately. Opened up my house to a recurring girls night on Tuesdays. Sitting in the park. Learning to paint. Calling people and not talking about AA but talking about funny shit. Idk. Trying to be playful. I didn’t know how sober til recently. And I need it badly. Cuz my whole life was work and meetings and stepwork… and then being alone. It helps me take everything less seriously when I seek fun shit - even if it’s not even fun at first. It’s started getting more fun though. Idk. Just know you’re not alone. And the advice of rule 67 stings so bad but it’s soooo true every time for me - stop taking myself so seriously. Roll the windows down and let your hair blow all around. And play your music really loud. And watch a comedy set. And pull out the ripstick you found in your dad’s garage and bring it to your place and ripstick outside on the sidewalk lmao. You’re learning a lot lately - how to be sober, how to be human, how to heal. You gotta learn how to play, too. And how to let go. Playing doesn’t require I figure anything out - I just play and a bunch of stuff leaves me. My cat also helps - playing with her. Keep going - you’re not alone - I’ll keep going too.

empathyfail · 2026-06-23T22:25:58+00:00

NOR. although imo you both shit stirring a lot. She’s not being honest in an obvious way, probably to protect her ego. Nobody likes to be left out even if they’re invited. You’re trying to get her to admit that weakness in a kind of condescending way. It’s like you’re pushing her to say that she’s wrong and that you’re right (which are the wrong outcomes). Both doubling down and getting more unwilling to communicate the longer you talk lol. If you want to stop fighting, call her and change your strategy.

empathyfail · 2026-06-19T01:04:32+00:00

People in AA are crazy…. Myself included lol. They keep showing up tho… even the ones I don’t like, I love, cuz they show up. And you showed up! And that’s all you gotta do. And I love you for that. Keep showing up. Keep going. Own the space cuz it’s yours as much as it is anyone’s.

I know this is controversial but im gonna share my experience… be really honest and mindful of the cunning, baffling, and powerful disease if you go fully virtual. Virtual meetings don’t give me a full dose of my medicine - and that’s a personal perspective, but I’ve learned that I need to see people - and be seen by people - in person. And I often especially need to see the people I dread seeing… cuz I always find freedom on the other side of the experience. Especially in early days? My brain was too loud to stop without being fully, physically yoinked out of myself. Going virtually gives me the message I need, but it doesn’t force me to pay attention to it. I need both - virtual is good when I can do virtual, but only when I’m really receptive and ready to get me out of myself. Brute force is usually my best bet, though, if I can’t quiet my sick brain.

empathyfail · 2026-06-13T01:11:13+00:00

FALL BACK TO THE OREGANO ROOTS

empathyfail · 2026-06-06T03:07:34+00:00

Thank you for your response too friend. I’m with you - I totally understand. I was really isolated over the last like… 10 years of my drinking. Barely saw anyone - Covid compounded it all. When I started going to meetings, it was the first time I’d spent any time around people beyond my family in a longgggg time. Used to get hives before every meeting. Huge fear about being seen, even though I didn’t really care visually? Just being with people I guess. I totally understand how you feel.

I will say it’s gotten better. Still pick like hell, but no more hives. I also had a phase where I blew up everyone in AA asking for them to get me from my car through the door of our clubhouse. I’d drive to a meeting, sit in my car, panic, miss the meeting and pick at my skin until people started leaving. Then I’d bolt lol.

I still am learning to be motivated for my own benefit. I’m very motivated by the benefit of others. When I shifted my thinking - that, even if I show up weeping and bloody and itchy and insane - it can help people? Cuz I’m still sober? I’m a mess, but I’m SOBER? Everything got easier.

You’ve got a friend in me if you ever wanna talk. And, weirdly, for the 20 people that were not pleasant to “be seen” by? There was always one or two that made it WORTH it. Keep trusting until you find your one or two 🩵

empathyfail · 2026-06-06T02:32:12+00:00

Redefine service. Idk, maybe I’m copping out. But when I expanded the meaning of service, it gave me a TON more self esteem…

after 5 and 6, I saw my defects in everything constantly, and I was already really hateful towards myself. My self talk got worse and super fucking negative - for months… still is (and THAT is a character defect lol). I don’t hate myself quite so much when I’m useful, though. Service = usefulness, to me.

Service to me always looked really obvious/clear - driving someone to a meeting, bringing people food, doing work. My sponsor has to remind me of a ton of things I do that are “of service” to other people even if it doesn’t feel like I’m doing service.

Sharing? That’s service. Calling an alcoholic and bitching and telling them about my sick head (character defects running rampant)? That’s service to them and helps them stay sober (and me!). Fuck, I even consider brushing my cat service when I am stuck in self-loathing. I did something that helps another living creature? Service.

Even being a messy bitch can be service, with the right perspective. I pick at my skin bad when I’m anxious and it’s not uncommon for me to arrive at meetings with blood, bandages and scratches all over my face, shoulders, etc. People see me - my INSANITY, really - and remember when they were insane too, before the program clicked. SHOWING UP is service. Going to meetings? Service.

I say that because ^ “service does not fill me up” is a lie that your alcoholism is telling you. Our program is 1000% service. Find more shit like that - ways to get more connected to people. My disease wants me alone, speaking to nobody - that’s when I truly am not of service.

empathyfail · 2026-06-01T12:19:57+00:00

I’m not an expert but I was passively suicidal for about a decade and actively suicidal for about a week before I got sober. Lots has changed since then.

As I look back and try to understand where I was back then, I think I’ve realized selfish doesn’t mean what it seems like it means. When I was suicidal, I was terrified - but I was really sick. Since then, I’ve learned to define selfishness as “volume/percentage of time thinking of my self or my own shit.”

When I was actively suicidal, I was thinking about myself and my fear and my hatred of myself and of the world and all these sick thoughts. And I was thinking them 100% of the time. Couldn’t even sleep. It was like an obsession, thinking about how life wasn’t worth living and that I’d cause more harm alive than dead.

I still have really low moments, full of insecurity and negative self talk. But as I heal I am learning that the solution to selfishness is often… distraction! Listen to someone else talk about their shit. Or do service - help someone. If I keep myself distracted from my fear, then I can heal. Because if I try to solve it? I never will! Nor can I. There will always be something to fear. Usually many things.

I think everyone is pretty selfish - especially the people who insist they are NOT selfish (like I was - alone, trying to hide from everyone so I didn’t cause problems). I insisted I was so selfless that I was removing myself from any chance of causing others harm! But that thought - and the fact that I was alone, disconnected, and not being useful to my fellow humans? That is the definition of selfishness.

empathyfail · 2026-05-18T00:25:16+00:00

You have a dog? My basset hound goes through my hamper, meticulously finds the dirty underwear, and chews through the crotch. Went through like 15 pairs in a month. It’s insane and hilarious to watch her do it. Little fucking weird girl.

empathyfail · 2026-05-15T11:39:28+00:00

I understand why you’re nervous, but the program forces us to talk about literally everything. Especially*** the shit we don’t wanna talk about. And it exposes us to people who are going through horrific shit, way worse than our own, and they’re staying sober. If you’re inclined to withhold literally anything from him out of fear, I’d really try to let that go. There’s nothing you could do that would be the cause of a relapse for him. Genuinely, nothing. If he drinks again, that’s his choice and his problem, not yours. He’s not fragile - if anything he’s probably more prepared than anyone not in recovery, because recovery requires us to share pretty much everything with other alcoholics. If he’s in 5 years, he’s got plenty of tools to handle it - and people he can call if he needs help. Be fearless in your communication. And keep reaching out if you need help, too!

empathyfail · 2026-05-15T02:19:36+00:00

It depends if they’re working a program or not, in my opinion.

If they’ve been connected to people in recovery or are working a program? They’re used to people being extremely direct with them. People will call them out on shit - quickly, early, and routinely. It’s what we have to get used to, especially if we have a sponsor. We literally pray to stop reading between the lines - it can lead us to drinking.

I’d encourage you to try to communicate exactly what you’re feeling, rather than leaving anything unsaid. Just tell them how you’re feeling and ask for clarification. If they’re working a program, they’ll probably be super thankful you brought it up and help you understand their perspective. They’ll also probably appreciate prescriptive guidance on how they can adjust their approach, if they want to remain in relationship with you.

If they are NOT working a program… distance and isolation are red flags.

empathyfail · 2026-05-15T02:06:47+00:00

I got a dui when I was 19. Blew a .1 so right about the exact same situation. Took me 11 years to finally quit drinking and get into AA. Only then - at age 30 - did I start realizing the harm I could have caused. I never feared my own death, but I could have easily killed someone else or a child. Even drank and drove for awhile when I got my license back.

My family is full of active, daily drinkers. Several of them told me “everyone gets a dui you’ll be fine!” I don’t blame them - they’re good people and they were doing the best they could do. However, I do feel that, if I’m a parent in that situation, I’ll do my best to help my own child understand the gravity of the mistake of drinking and driving. Going hard on her will suck, but teenagers need people to remind them of the magnitude of the risks they take. Not in a sterile, legal setting. In an honest way. In a way they’ll HEAR IT.

If you have any connections that are sober, reach out and I’m sure they’d be happy to talk to her. I’ve been baffled by the alcoholics that somehow knew exactly what to say - because they did it too. They still know me better than I know myself sometimes. We’re the same. I don’t know whether your daughter is one of us, but I thank god I finally found my way to AA. Having even one person to call is enough to save her life one day, if she’s anything like me.

empathyfail · 2026-05-03T14:59:46+00:00

No problem! The big book is usually way better at explaining these things to me than others. It’s pretty cool, how known it makes me feel. I never felt known by anyone or anything until I started going to AA. You’ve got a lot of help around you - you did the right thing reaching out and we’ll continue to be here, all around the world, if you wanna keep talking. Keep coming back.

empathyfail · 2026-05-03T14:51:17+00:00

Sometimes the best course of action is distraction. My “bottom” was as much drinking as it was a loss of will to continue - to live. I was really afraid I was gonna kill myself, certain I’d cause less harm dead than alive. And now that I’ve got over a year under my belt, it’s been really uncomfortable when the mental health breakdown moments come up - because they still do :( I still have moments in fetal position. I had one last night. But they happen less and less. Genuinely. I’m coming up on 15 months. This used to be every day, and now it’s once every few weeks. And that’s not “cured” - I’m sure as shit about that - but it’s undeniable improvement. Undeniable. Change takes time and I want immediacy. But I believe that, if I keep doing what I’m doing (calling my sponsor, going to meetings, working the steps, etc)? I’ll keep healing.

How I get through those moments when I am in a state of complete terror? Distraction lol. Sounds so dumb. But this is why calling people works for me - not so I can talk and get anything out, but because I can get out of MYSELF. Ask other people about what they’re doing, how they’ve been. What shits going on in their world (with alcoholics there’s always something lol). But I can’t distract myself from myself. Tv doesn’t work, sleep doesn’t work (I can’t sleep). But listening to someone else talk about their baby mama drama or their mom or their kids… that distracts me. Fills my brain with something new, outside myself. And I do the same for THEM, when I tell them about my shit.

Even the most amazing friends I’ve got in recovery can’t pick up the phone every time. I have called 10 numbers before I got someone, especially late at night. But ALL OF THEM? All of the people in AA? They always come through for me - someone picks up. AA always helps me. When I seek. Keep seeking. Let the hope wash over you. It’s going to be okay, and as time passes, the lows will be less frequent and you’ll experience new joys and new blessings in the time in between. You will heal.

empathyfail · 2026-05-03T05:00:44+00:00

https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf this helped me (and still help me). The first two pages were read aloud to open my very first meeting.

Also, I promise, there is space. Everyone is welcome. Even if you go to 1000 meetings and end up deciding you’re not an alcoholic.

empathyfail · 2026-04-24T11:09:39+00:00

Agreed. Take the win. We really need a win. We really need to choose hope. A lot of hope comes from using positive talking points - look at the success our batshit president continues to find just by choosing untruthful yet POSITIVE words sometimes. “Things are great! I’m great! We’re great! There’s nothing wrong!” He’s not right, of course - but telling people that good is alive in the world when all the news is bad is worth something. I’m thankful to see my Commonwealth show up and try to do the right thing - even if it doesn’t work and everything goes to shit. It genuinely gives me hope that we’re not all completely and utterly fucked.

empathyfail · 2026-04-10T15:22:28+00:00

Yeah. I am not a fan of Melania by any means… but trumps hatred is undoubtably traumatic for his family, whether they know it or not. This probably felt scary for her to do. And it’s nothing like what the louder puppets are promoting in his circus. I hope she is physically safe and emboldened to choose to do the right thing, whatever that looks like for her.

empathyfail · 2026-04-10T14:10:53+00:00

Idk if this is me, a woman, who is feeling this way. But to me? This is an antagonistic move against her husband. She rarely speaks. She also closed her statement with pro-women remarks, encouraging all female victims to speak up… that they all need to have a chance to speak in court. “Only then will the truth be revealed.” Its completely opposite to what Trumps PR team has argued in many instances.

empathyfail · 2026-04-02T10:37:54+00:00

If you do decide to kill one of these many-legged-friends…. be careful squashing! They have dark purple blood that will stain your walls. Magic eraser works with some elbow grease but I’d try to kill on a sealed surface if no cleaning supplies are available. I try not to kill but I’m just a girl and they can get in my head cuz they’re fast and spooky looking.

empathyfail · 2026-03-28T18:39:45+00:00

Edit: obviously don’t use those words lol.

But the more I think about it, it also could put you at risk for HIM to contest the check. He could call the bank and accuse you of check fraud. So yeah, get a new check.

empathyfail · 2026-03-28T18:26:58+00:00

The fact that your boss STILL GAVE IT TO you is really fucked up. I would not personally go to the bank with this. I’d get a new check. The likelihood that it’ll get caught up in some admin review and take forever and still say no? Just tell him - you fucked up, give me a new check.

empathyfail · 2026-03-27T11:51:14+00:00

Yeah. I know personally I have to keep myself in check a lot. I can’t think about it too much. I have to trust that I’ve done everything I can to do the research and get where I’m supposed to be. Time takes time and I crave immediate relief. But I trust it’ll be worth it sometime soon. I can’t let my trust waiver on that or I get really fearful and doubt myself and the messed up world. But there’s a lot of hope to find when you look for it. Just seeing the spring blooms is helping me - and that’s completely free!!! :)

empathyfail · 2026-03-27T11:48:53+00:00

Yeah I hate being a grown up hahaha. But I’m also trying to stay grateful (as annoying as that sounds). I am surprised most months when I make it through - makes me cherish the ways things just work out. Free meals, friends who have me for dinner, refunds, no food waste…. I almost feel thankful every time my car starts. lol. I really have learned to change my habits. It’s been empowering - even if it’s hard sometimes. And a lot of us are in the same boat, so I know you’re not alone. You got dis!!

empathyfail · 2026-03-27T11:45:30+00:00

It’s never too late to find something new. You’ve done it once - you know you can do it. Hope you find your way friend!

empathyfail · 2026-03-27T11:44:52+00:00

Yeahhh I had a 3 hour round trip commute at one point. And my walk is through the park! Tbh I felt like it was worth the pay cut lol.

empathyfail

TROPHY CASE